I am officially having the world's worst week. And for no reason. I just am. I hate everyone, I haven't stopped crying for 3 days, it's an effort to get me out of bed. My mum was being supportive but something changed and she's decided that actually my life is perfect, what do I have to be upset about? The worst thing is that I actually DON'T KNOW why I'm so upset. It usually ends up with me crying about my dad, I miss him and he's the only one that will understand me but that's been 4 years, surely I'm not upset about that. I think the problem is that I work for my partner and wake up at 4.30am. I find it really hard to nap during the day and I've been having trouble sleeping so I am just exhausted all day at work. Work is also really quiet so I've been BINGEING which I just don't want to even think about. I tried to tell my fiancee that I don't want to work for him any more but he tells me that it's just me changing my mind again and I'm always changing my mind about things and I need to commit to something. See, he was brought up to think that you just do as your told and don't try to change anything unless you're happy. I grew up thinking that you don't stop changing things until you're happy. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe i can't find happiness in anything else? I DO know that I don't have enough time in my day to work for him, run my own part time business, do some marketing work for my brother AND study PSYCHOLOGY. I just don't. And I feel like I can't do any of them properly because I'm so tired. But because in the past I've made so many changes to my jobs and my uni degree I now have to just stick everything out just to please everyone else. Plus I'm pissed off because I can't talk to my fiancee about things that upset me and he doesn't listen and he is so unsupportive and unsympathetic I can't even deal with it. So my relationship is REALLY not what I'd expect of 2 people who are about to get married and even thinking about that makes me so upset.
Anyway, I just got this bull crap email from my mum that makes me wish I really did cut her out of my life all those years ago. But I'm just saying that because she's the closest thing I have to a best friend and the ONLY person who I speak to about everything so I should just deal with it. She's also the only parent I have and I should know from dad dying that you really really really miss everything about them when they're gone.
Anyway, since it seems noone is on my side and I don't have any other options other than jumping of a cliff to end this the only other thing is to focus on what I can do. Here are the options:
1. Leave fiancee. Go live with my mum and she can support me while I finish uni. Positive is that I'm financially supported. Negative is that I actually really love him we just have some fundamental problems. Negative is also that I have to live at home again and I'm sure that will ruin my life more.
2. Stop working at his shop. Positive is that there's no more early mornings. Negative is that I don't have a real, steady income every week. Positive is that I can focus on my business so that I do have a steady income and could also do a few pT sessions to boost my income.
3. Keep working in the shop. Get sleeping tablets so that I'm asleep by 7.30 every night. Positive is that I have a steady income. Negative is that I can't run my part time business when I'm going to bed at 7.30 every night. Positive is that I'll have more energy.
4. Stop my part time business. Negative is that I love it, it's easy, I can see it taking me places, I have a team, and I really don't wan tot do that. Positive is that I have no more pressure and I can focus on my uni work. Negative is that I've pumped so much money into it and it's only just starting to go. Positive is that I can have a steady income. Negative is that I will be so disappointed in myself and i love doing it so wonder how my mental health will fare.
5. Drop a subject at uni. Positive is that I have more time. Negative is that it will take me 5000 years to finish my degree and it means EVEN longer working for the bakery and I don't want that.
I don't feel any clearer on the subject. I will wait to see what my commission check was this month. I find out in 3 days. Once I get that I will be able to make a good decision about what to do.
For the mean time I need to:
1. Eat well
2. Drink more water
3. Exercise daily - 1h walk every day FOR MENTAL HEALTH
4. Time manage better - I will do a time management chart right now for the next week.
5. Meditate 15 minutes every night before bed.
