Youtube

I've made a YouTube video about me but I took it down because I was afraid people I know would see me and that I'd get no views.. Lol, that's a contradiction and a half! Anyway maybe I'll upload it again.

I'm really proud of myself. I broke a few rules today!

Firstly, I had a small glass of pineapple juice with breakfast. I don't drink  ium coffee instead of a small. I did that intentionally too, just to break the rule. Funny thing is, it made me feel sick and too full before breakfast. So then my head did it's usual, 'Now you know anything bigger than a small makes you feel sick so you will just have a small in the future' and I had to stop myself and realise that no, I will have whatever I want in the future, but I'll keep it in mind if I'm drinking a coffee before a meal because I don't want to spoil my appetite. Oh, and I also had JAM on my toast, which has been a big no-no for a while due to the sugar content, and it was delicious.

I did the shopping with my fiancee today for his new shop and I wanted to get a Boost Juice because there's a new protein chocolate one that looks delicious! Anyway, I thought about it and I'm not actually hungry and didn't really feel like it so I decided not to have it. I will have it when I want it though and I won't care that it's high in fat or sugar, because I just couldn't be bothered with that anymore.

I also bought some Sultana Bran from Aldi. I haven't had Sultana Bran since I was 14 and I used to love it. It reminds me of my mum and of being a teenager so I'm really looking forward to eating that with some banana and milk.

Gosh, when I read over this it sounds so bloody weird and so ridiculous. I'm doing a lot of study about Indigenous Australians and also applying for a job with a company that works with them in Arnhem Land, and something that just makes me realise how silly all this is is that they are suffering so much, and here I am wasting so much time on thinking about food and what I've eaten and what I haven't eaten and how fat I am getting and none of that matters. Anyway, if anyone reads this, let me know if you watch my YouTube video and tell me what you think! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWYOj_iKVIw&feature=youtu.be

Addicted?

I think I'm addicted to dieting. Seriously. Read this (from http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/addiction_hijacks_brain.htm) 

The word “addiction” is derived from a Latin term for “enslaved by” or “bound to.”...Addiction exerts a long and powerful influence on the brain that manifests in three distinct ways: craving for the object of addiction, loss of control over its use, and continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences.. addiction hijacks the brain. This happens as the brain goes through a series of changes, beginning with recognition of pleasure and ending with a drive toward compulsive behaviour....he brain registers all pleasures in the same way, whether they originate with a psychoactive drug, a monetary reward, a sexual encounter, or a satisfying meal. In the brain, pleasure has a distinct signature: the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, a cluster of nerve cells lying underneath the cerebral cortex (see illustration). Dopamine release in the nucleus accumbens is so consistently tied with pleasure that neuroscientists refer to the region as the brain’s pleasure center....All drugs of abuse, from nicotine to heroin, cause a particularly powerful surge of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens. The likelihood that the use of a drug or participation in a rewarding activity will lead to addiction is directly linked to the speed with which it promotes dopamine release, the intensity of that release, and the reliability of that release... Addictive drugs provide a shortcut to the brain’s reward system by flooding the nucleus accumbens with dopamine. The hippocampus lays down memories of this rapid sense of satisfaction, and the amygdala creates a conditioned response to certain stimuli.

The reward circuit in the brain includes areas involved with motivation and memory as well as with pleasure. Addictive substances and behaviors stimulate the same circuit—and then overload it.
Repeated exposure to an addictive substance or behavior causes nerve cells in the nucleus accumbens and the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain involved in planning and executing tasks) to communicate in a way that couples liking something with wanting it, in turn driving us to go after it. That is, this process motivates us to take action to seek out the source of pleasure.

And the most damning bit of all.. A “yes” answer to any of the following three questions suggests you might have a problem with addiction and should—at the very least—consult a health care provider for further evaluation and guidance.

• Do you use more of the substance or engage in the behavior more often than in the past? YES
• Do you have withdrawal symptoms when you don’t have the substance or engage in the behaviour? YES
• Have you ever lied to anyone about your use of the substance or extent of your behaviour? YES

Okay I do not want anyone to think I am minimising the seriousness of addiction (if anyone even reads this!) but I'm being serious. Being a student of psychology I fully understand that you CANNOT diagnose a mental illness or addiction using an internet info page, but I have been thinking about this for some time. I don't actually know the links between disordered eating and addiction, so I'll be interested in finding out, but I really think I'm addicted to dieting. 

In the intro paragraph it says:

* craving for the object of addiction - I guess the way I want to diet could be considered a craving. I think about it a lot. I convince myself it's a good idea even when I know it's not. 

* Loss of control over its use - I guess diets are used to lose weight, but I use them as a form of control, of punishment, of dealing with problems

* Continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences - does putting on weight, hating yourself, believing you're a failure and becoming a depressed sad sack count?

I've eaten SO. MANY. CARBS. TODAY. I'm like a bottomless pit. It is TTOM but seriously. I have a huge urge to write down what I ate today, and I just did it but then I deleted it. I don't want this blog to be about my crazy eating disordered mind, I want it to be about me overcoming it!! The biggest problem is that to overcome the need to diet I need to overcome the need to look a certain way. And I think that will be VERY difficult.

Two more rules:

1. Always eat from a small bowl. Snacks should be the size of a tea cup and meals the size of your hand. If you eat from a large bowl you're likely to pour yourself a huge serving and you'll end up enormous.
2. Always eat using a teaspoon. If you use a tablespoon you'll eat too quickly and just want more
3. Always measure grains and yogurt with a cup. Eg cereal and oats. Never guestimate or free pour because you'll end up having way too much.
4. Always have a meal plan because other wise you'll get bored and binge.
5. Never have an entree, main and dessert [I'm not sure if I ever stuck to this one, although I sure did try]
6. Never order pasta or risotto - there's way too many carbs.

Can you see why I am tired of this? Worst thing is they don't even work!! Sure, I'm not gaining weight, but I don't eat rubbish. This is what I ate yesterday (and tracking my food is NOT going to be a regular thing here, that's not what this is about)

B: Organic vanilla Greek yogurt with Organic cranberry and almond muesli & a banana
S: Wholemeal snail from the markets
L: Wholemeal roll with smoked salmon, kale & cashew dip & avocado
S: Watermelon & 2 rice cakes with peanut butter & raw honey
D: (OUT) Entree: Pc of smoked salmon bruscetta
Main: Moussaka with tomato salad
Dessert: 1 scoop vanilla gelato in a cone

And that is me eating exactly how, when and what I want. And to me, that's outrageous! To a past me the idea of doing that would have meant I freaked out. But look - it's mostly healthy food!!

All of these rules come from funny places like magazines & a few are from my own experience. But I'm so glad I'm done with them!

I've had 6 blogs. They're all on private. Really they're just diaries. This is how they start.

I'm giving up dieting. I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of restricting myself, hating myself, rejecting what I see in the mirror. It's going to change. I'm going to let go of all my restrictions and diet mentality and just love me for me. 

Then after a while (days, weeks, months) I'm back in:

I'm doing Michelle Bridges 12WBT. But it's not a diet. I need to learn portion sizes. And I need a community. I'm lonely. I need like-minded friends and this is where I'll meet them. This is a lifestyle change. It's a balanced meal plan and a healthy amount of exercise. I need direction on what to do. 

Then after a while it goes like this

I can't diet. I don't know what i was thinking. I hate myself. Why don't I have any self-control? I'm destined to be fat forever. It's so unfair - I'm so healthy and obsessed with my weight and always trying new things and I'm overweight [which I'm not]  and all my friends who are thin and have amazing bodies don't even try. I eat so healthily and I can't lose weight, why???

So now I don't know how to start. Maybe I'll just tell you about the name of this blog.

I have rules. I have so many rules. Here are some of my rules:

1. Never buy a pair of jeans up a size. If you try a pair on in your size and they don't fit, THEN SHRINK. Never go up. If you start going up you'll never stop.
2. Always have a small coffee. Large coffees are a waste of calories. If you start buying large coffees then you'll put on weight for no reason. You can have full fat milk but just never ever have a large.
3. Never eat the same thing twice in a day. If you have yogurt for breakfast you can't have it as a snack. If you've already had 1 banana you can't have another. You need variety and 2 of something is too much.
4. Most of your meals need to have fruit or vegetables. Too many snacks like rice cakes with honey or yogurt with nuts aren't good. You need to have mainly fruit and vegetables with each meal [and if I don't then I feel weird. I don't know how else to explain it.]
5. You can't eat when you aren't hungry [which I break all the time]. If you eat when you're not hungry you're almost guaranteed to become even fatter.
6. You have to do some sort of exercise every day. Even if it's just a walk. If not all your muscles will waste away VERY quickly.
7. Never ever ever drink anything but tea, coffee, water (or alcohol if I'm drinking). It's a waste of calories and full of sugar, and if I'm going to waste calories on sugar then I'd rather it be food.
8. Always eat sitting down. Never eat on the go, like walking around somewhere.
9. Never eat in public alone. That's just weird. And everyone will look at you.
10. Don't eat foods with gluten in them. They make you bloated. When you're bloated you look like a puffer fish.
11. Never have more than 1 treat a day. If you have something (like a croissant) in the morning then you can't have something else later that day or even the next day because then you're just eating unhealthily like everyone else [unsurprisingly I break this all the time].
12. Never go out on an empty stomach. It's better to eat before you go and not be hungry than be starving when you get somewhere [even though I rarely eat a lot or unhealthy foods in front of other people unless I'm a. drunk or b. hungover]
13. Never ever ever eat white bread. You'll die of constipation.
14. Don't eat sugar in any form [this is the latest one]
15. Everything is okay in moderation [after a couple of weeks on any diet I resort back to a firm believer of this one]
16. I don't need carbs, they're a waste of energy.
17. Carbs are necessary for energy, fat is the one to worry about.
18. Fat is full of important vitamins and minerals, just cut back on carbs.
19. ANimal protein is really bad for you, eat a vegan diet.
20. Veganism makes me tired, just make sure you limit protein.


Can you see how tiring this gets? Thus, this blog. I'm breaking ALL MY RULES. All of them. All the time. No rules. That's the only rule. But it's not even a rule. I'm going to eat WHATEVER, WHENEVER, HOWEVER. And some days I may not exercise. And I'm going to blog about it.