Only once a month counselling - recovered?

So I had a session on Tuesday, and decided I no longer have to log my food AND I'll see her again in a month, not a fortnight, which is just MASSIVE progress.

I feel so much better about things - my weight was down 300g but still 67.1 which is SO HIGH for me.. but you know what? I just don't care. When you stop focusing on it, stop expecting it to drop and stop looking in the mirror a hundred times a day and replace all those things with other fulfilling things like relationship cultivating, spending time with loved ones and enjoying your life, it doesn't matter so much.

We spent the session really just talking about what I've learned, how far I've come and basically what this journey has taught me:
- eating diet foods leaves you feeling empty
- the pursuit of leanness is NOT the pursuit of happiness, and if you don't work on HOW to love yourself NOW then you'll never love yourself
- there's so much more to live than counting and measuring food in the hope it will change your body
- you (or I could anyway) could eat SO MUCH MORE than I was, of all the foods I loved, and in the end,over nearly 4 months I gained 1.5kg!!!!
- for me, dieting covered up an inner unhappiness and anxiety that once uncovered really reared it's head in full force. Sitting through that and dealing with it (and when I say 'dealing' I literally mean just letting it be without trying to medicate with things like dieting) really taught me that these things aren't to be feared and they'll go away.
- I experienced, really, the lowest of lows in this journey. I felt a way I can't remember EVER feeling, not even when my dad died - because then I knew there was hope and ONE DAY I'd feel better, it was a grief caused by an external event.. this was different, this was a grief that was so deep inside of me, stuck to me like the strongest adhesive, and seeping out like black muck. But I faced it head on, I cried, I didn't go to work, I felt depressed, I felt anxious, I felt like everything was awful and there was no hope.. and once I felt all of that i increasingly got better, to the point where I'm at now where I feel like I have good days and bad days but none of that depends on my weight or what I eat, and none of it will be made better by an improvement in those factors either.
- I am able to enjoy ANYTHING I want.. and strangely, most of the time, I'm happy with something healthy. I have no rules and try to rebel against those deep seated ones (like bread only once per day).. but the other day I ate pizza and only had 3 pieces, which is really unlike me because I'm so black and white usually I'd eat the whole thing.
- I am learning to not be so black and white in general.. and it's funny because whilst trying to live in the gray it means naturally I don't go so black.. like the pizza, but also like wine - I have been having a glass with dinner a couple of times a week, and last night we went out for drinks with friends and had to leave early and I'd only had 2 glasses, I felt like I'd had enough, rather than going out and either having none and feeling tense the whole time, or having 8 and then kicking and screaming when we were going home.
- i am much more relaxed with exercise. I'm back at uni so very busy so do a HIIT session in the morning and then walk from the station to work (20 mins) and back to the station, and take the dogs for a little walk and that's enough for me.
- I am able to get into other things I enjoy and have time for them
- I got off social media and love it, and it's made a huge difference to my perception of self.
- I'm just generally happier
- My body will tell me whta i need and want, if only I learn to listen. 

I still struggle with thinking 'maybe I should do that diet' because I feel like a diet will make me learn how to eat, but I don't think that's wise. I think my own body tells me what I want. Like I thought of doing the CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet, surely that's a healthy approach to food with all food groups? But I don't want to eat low fat. I love full fat dairy. And sometimes I won't feel like what's on the meal plan and what then? THen I'd eat pizza, even if what i really felt like was some pork instead of the chicken they recommended and it's all ridiculous. I'm the best guru when it comes to me!

 I woke up this morning and read this http://kellybroganmd.com/yoga-eating-lose-dogma-find/

and wanted to share this...

Day 13 Intuitive Eating Journal

I went out to dinner last night and forgot about my diary! I had a shocking day to begin with - weighed myself and weigh 65.9!! I couldn't believe it. That's the most I've weighed in SO LONG. I don't know what's going on. I suddenly questioned all this intuitive eating stuff, but then I thought about it and I remember at the beginning expecting a little weight gain - for the first time ever I'm giving myself permission to eat whatever I want, so of course I've been choosing less healthy options. I had 2 waffle cones last week with 2 scoops of gelato each time, I had 3 or 4 of those bulla choc coated ice creams, plus I had the vegan chocolate brownie thing.. and I had 2 cupcakes saturday and 3 glasses of champagne, plus little puff pastry squares, so really I should be happy I didn't put on more! Anyway, I'm focused this week, I've committed to the 12wbt workouts, to be honest I am calorie counting as well to hit 1500 BUT my main thing is appetite and eating what I really want, so I will be okay going over the cals if I'm really hungry and my body asks for it.

B: -2 2 gluten free weetbix, 1/4 cup muesli, 3/4 cup rice milk, 1 banana +3
S: -3 flat white +1
L: (half hour later) -3 2 x gluten free toast with 100g red tinned salmon, 40g light cream cheese, dill & 1/2 a cucumber +3
S: -2 150g pineapple, 100g yogurt  +2
1/2 hour run/walk (12 min run, 9 min walk, 9 min run)
L: -3 1 cup vegan mushroom risotto, 2 cups salad +2
Dessert: 1 bite (literally half a teaspoon) raw vegan beetroot mudcake; peppermint tea

To be honest I went to bed hungry, but I'd rather wake up hungry and eat early than eat before bed and have to wait for breakfast.

Anyway, much healthier day today - lots of vegetables and got my 2 fruits in so very happy with that.

Why it's so hard to quit dieting

I'm assuming that anyone who reads this (if anyone ever does) probably has an eating disorder or can sympathise. But just in case I'm going to explain why it's so hard to quit dieting and something I've realised lately.

It's so hard to quit because it's so hard to avoid triggering images. Whether it's photos of a leaner self, photos of a friend who's lost weight, photos in an advertisement or someone on TV it's very hard to look at these people and realise that you'll never look like that. Part of why I'm feeling so down lately is realising that I've failed at the one goal I've had for the last 10 years - to be thin. What's important though, is that I'm leaving it now. It's been 10 years. It's been too long.

Something I realised while watching a YouTube video of Shaye Boddington is that saying goodbye to dieting DOES NOT have to mean that you will never lose weight, or that you'll remain at the weight you are. It's very easy to think that you'll put on weight once you start eating more food or once you stop restricting. I'm not sure what's going to happen to be honest, but I do know that if I keep dieting I will put on more and more weight and be more and more unhappy.

So after a pretty miserable day here are some things I'm going to do to try to help myself during this hard time:
1. Get off social media - I've tried to unfollow all the fitness pages I follow but it just shows up time and time again and it is very triggering
2. Exercise every day. I didn't yesterday and I nearly didn't today but I NEVER regret a walk, it's good to clear the head, release the endorphins, realise that I am very lucky to have a beautiful place to walk free with fresh air and it's so fun for my little dogs. So I'm going to consider it my antidepressant and something I need to do every day.
3. I want to write 'talk to my fiancee about all of this' but I keep hesitating. It's REALLY hard to talk about an eating disorder with someone who's never had one. Just as hard to talk to someone who does (my best friend has anorexia and I always think that Bulimia is like the fat girl's answer to anorexia, she went to hospital and exercises all the time and often doesn't eat and I feel like my eating problems are nothing in comparison, which is ridiculous but that's just the way it is). Anyway, I need to talk to him about this and what it all means. But what does it mean? Today I called the dietician to make an appointment and for some reason her notes said I have Type 2 diabetes and I said no actually I had bulimia and I never really figured out how to eat healthily I'm either dieting or bingeing and she said 'okay so you're in recovery?' and I awkwardly laughed because I guess I am. It just sounds so formal. I am certainly not recovered, but I'm really not that sick so it's a strange place to be. Anyway, I guess I do need to explain that this is going to bring up lots of emotions and problems for me and be really difficult so I'll need his support.
4. Give myself time to clean the house and do chores. I feel really shit when I haven't done chores for a while but they always come last.
5. Let myself get a Pass for uni. A Pass is okay. I want an HD but honestly, recovering from all this crap and getting an HD and having my fiancee start his new shop is all a bit much, so a Pass will have to do.
6. Do something fun every day. I'm going to have to figure out what to do with this one because I don't have much time or money, but I really need to work on this.

What am I doing and why am I doing it?

I've decided to see a dietitian. I waste so much money on diet books and programs the money would be better spent seeing a professional who can help me deal with my problems.

Anyway, this is not completely diet/food related, but it's life related and I don't believe life is made up of many different, separate parts, but instead each part is a part of a whole so it all counts towards the same thing.

So, today and yesterday have been really unmotivated. I can't help asking myself lately

What am I doing and why am I doing it?

This all started because my fiancee was really rude to me this morning at work (we work together) and later he apologised and said he's tired and stressed (he's expanding his business and it's hard work). I asked him if it was worth it, and should we just throw in the towel and give up on all of this, when it's all just for money. He didn't really reply and later my mum told me I shouldn't ask him to give up his dreams for mine.

So what are my dreams?

My ultimate dream:

Live in the country or by the beach, in a small house with my children and my husband, neither of us working but just growing vegetables, living a simple life.

That is my dream. Pretty simple. Is it attainable?

Last year one of my favourite people packed up and moved to India to be with her yoga instructor who she'd fallen in love with during a yoga course over the Summer. I was so envious. My mum says it's different because she has no parents so she could leave easily. I feel like a piece of bubble gum stretched so far. I'm not happy. I'm just not. But would moving overseas really make me happy? My fiancee would never leave. But then why stay somewhere for someone else to fulfil their dreams? Because i'm scared. I love him. I don't want to leave him. I couldn't leave him. I can't imagine life without him. But just having him is not enough and really that's the problem. Is life always going to be like this? Will I always feel like something is missing? Should I just get a real job and forget about uni? What's the point in making sacrifices if it's not for your own goals? How do you go for your own goals when you're in a relationship? I guess you just do what you want and hope your partner comes along for the ride.

Struggling today

Fuck. I feel like every time I really try to battle all this diet crap I get really depressed. I know it's good for me. I know I need to do this and I know that the fact it really messes with my head means that it's NEEDED but it's just really hard. It's just so much easier to travel along in life pretending like everything is okay.

So I haven't done any study. I have a sore back and I just wasn't in the mood for study. I feel like I've been eating too much bread and stuff like that. I had a gozleme for lunch which was delicious and then 3 pieces of toast. i guess I just need to get all these wheat products out of the restricted pile. It's frustrating. I'm lucky it's winter because I'm not focusing on my body. It's really easy atm to just say stuff it I don't care what my legs look like! But I know come summer and bikinis and shorts it won't be so easy.

There's a saying "being overweight is hard. Losing weight is hard. Choose your hard." I guess that's how it is right? Difference is, after all my restricting I can't lose weight, not just because my metabolism is stuffed but because my mind is. I can't commit to it for long enough. I can't restrict myself and I guess that's a good thing.

 I didn't go for my walk today. I should have. It's like my antidepressant. i'm just feeling so "ground hog day" these days. Especially because I don't get weekends, every day is the same. What a bore. I'm bored. I'm so bored with life. I'm so over having a messy house, eating foods that make me feel crap, having a messy study, having to study at all, having to put washing away, having to do washing, having a boring life. This is my life: wake up at 4.30am. Eat breakfast. Work. Drive home. Eat lunch. Study. Walk dogs. Make Dinner. Eat. Go to bed. Then repeat. 7 days a week. No, that's a lie. I have uni 1 day which I love and Saturdays are my day off. But I still have to study and I have no money so I can't see friends.

Addicted?

I think I'm addicted to dieting. Seriously. Read this (from http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/addiction_hijacks_brain.htm) 

The word “addiction” is derived from a Latin term for “enslaved by” or “bound to.”...Addiction exerts a long and powerful influence on the brain that manifests in three distinct ways: craving for the object of addiction, loss of control over its use, and continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences.. addiction hijacks the brain. This happens as the brain goes through a series of changes, beginning with recognition of pleasure and ending with a drive toward compulsive behaviour....he brain registers all pleasures in the same way, whether they originate with a psychoactive drug, a monetary reward, a sexual encounter, or a satisfying meal. In the brain, pleasure has a distinct signature: the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, a cluster of nerve cells lying underneath the cerebral cortex (see illustration). Dopamine release in the nucleus accumbens is so consistently tied with pleasure that neuroscientists refer to the region as the brain’s pleasure center....All drugs of abuse, from nicotine to heroin, cause a particularly powerful surge of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens. The likelihood that the use of a drug or participation in a rewarding activity will lead to addiction is directly linked to the speed with which it promotes dopamine release, the intensity of that release, and the reliability of that release... Addictive drugs provide a shortcut to the brain’s reward system by flooding the nucleus accumbens with dopamine. The hippocampus lays down memories of this rapid sense of satisfaction, and the amygdala creates a conditioned response to certain stimuli.

The reward circuit in the brain includes areas involved with motivation and memory as well as with pleasure. Addictive substances and behaviors stimulate the same circuit—and then overload it.
Repeated exposure to an addictive substance or behavior causes nerve cells in the nucleus accumbens and the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain involved in planning and executing tasks) to communicate in a way that couples liking something with wanting it, in turn driving us to go after it. That is, this process motivates us to take action to seek out the source of pleasure.

And the most damning bit of all.. A “yes” answer to any of the following three questions suggests you might have a problem with addiction and should—at the very least—consult a health care provider for further evaluation and guidance.

• Do you use more of the substance or engage in the behavior more often than in the past? YES
• Do you have withdrawal symptoms when you don’t have the substance or engage in the behaviour? YES
• Have you ever lied to anyone about your use of the substance or extent of your behaviour? YES

Okay I do not want anyone to think I am minimising the seriousness of addiction (if anyone even reads this!) but I'm being serious. Being a student of psychology I fully understand that you CANNOT diagnose a mental illness or addiction using an internet info page, but I have been thinking about this for some time. I don't actually know the links between disordered eating and addiction, so I'll be interested in finding out, but I really think I'm addicted to dieting. 

In the intro paragraph it says:

* craving for the object of addiction - I guess the way I want to diet could be considered a craving. I think about it a lot. I convince myself it's a good idea even when I know it's not. 

* Loss of control over its use - I guess diets are used to lose weight, but I use them as a form of control, of punishment, of dealing with problems

* Continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences - does putting on weight, hating yourself, believing you're a failure and becoming a depressed sad sack count?

I've eaten SO. MANY. CARBS. TODAY. I'm like a bottomless pit. It is TTOM but seriously. I have a huge urge to write down what I ate today, and I just did it but then I deleted it. I don't want this blog to be about my crazy eating disordered mind, I want it to be about me overcoming it!! The biggest problem is that to overcome the need to diet I need to overcome the need to look a certain way. And I think that will be VERY difficult.