Imagine..

I was walking along and thinking about the number of times I look in the mirror a day. Imagine if instead of assessing myself based on my appearance 30+ times a day, I checked in with myself on what I'd done to make someone else smile, what had made me laugh, what I had done to make someone's day better, how I'd made the world a better place. When was the last time I actually checked in on that? When was the last time I'd woken up and thought 'I'm going to make someone's day brighter today'? Because almost every day since I can remember I've woken up and thought 'today I'm going to eat perfectly, go to the gym, go for a walk, and make sure I don't do anything that could affect the way I look'. Like what the f.

So I was looking through instagram, and starting to think 'maybe I'm ready for my fitness account again. Maybe I'm ready to go back and start following these pages I used to follow' but then I looked at one of them and I just thought how bloody sad it is. A girl is in a bikini in front of a bathtub. All the comments were "goals" "dream body" "argh why don't I look like this" is it seriously motivating? No. You can see from the comments it makes all the girls feel shit that they will never look like that, especially not wearing a prada bikini with $600 sunglasses on in a hotel that costs $700 a night. And to be honest, will those things make us happy? No. Yes these people work hard. But they work in gyms! These two girls own their own cafe. One of them is married to the number one expert in strength in Australia. Am I saying it's easier for them? No. They work out - hard. One of them is fucking strong and that takes dedication and hard work. But I'm just saying comparing ourselves to them and thinking 'I wish I had their lives' is demoralising and fruitless. And to top it all off, the photo in the hotel she took.. the same setting is peppered throughout their instagram feed, and she said they were staying there for there 7 year wedding anniversary. Have we really become so narcissistic that we would spend an incredibly meaningful, special time in our relationship taking photos of ourselves? Time away from instagram has helped me see how ridiculously self-obsessive and psycho it is. Do I want to get back on? No. not if that is what it's all about.

What makes me happy? Laughing. Playing with my dogs. Hugging my dogs. Running through the bush. Watching a movie with James. Drinking tea in bed. Spending time with my family. Drinking wine with girlfriends and eating cheese. Being silly. Snowboarding. Going to the gym. Laughing with Phoebe & the Goodwin's. Hugging James. Meditating. Swimming. Going to the beach. Running along Anna bay beach. Eating yogurberry. Eating gelato. Eating delicious food. Sleeping in. Seeing friends. Hanging out with my mum. Laughing. Laughing more. Those things make me happy. Not wearing particular clothes, not fitting into a size 8, not seeing my abs.. those things don't deeply make me happy, because it makes me anxious that I'm not good enough, that I'm going to lose it all soon and that I need to give up the things I love to get it.