I went out to a friend's birthday on a weekend. I was tagged in a photo afterwards and while I'm not genuinely smiling but posing (because 'what if my top lip goes thin in the photo?', 'what if my eyes are squinty?', 'what if my cheeks look chubby?' etc. etc. run through my head too often when I see a photo being taken) I think 'she looks like a normal, fairly pretty girl'.
For 12 years I have looked like a normal girl. It's funny that no one can tell what's going on behind those eyes. No one would know the number of times my head has been in a toilet bowl, fingers down my throat. No one would know the tears I've cried at my inadequacy, my failure, my inability to be successful at anything, not even dieting. No one would know how little I think of myself, or how much I beat myself up for breaking my rules, yet again. No one at work would know that on some days every minute I sit there I am in excruciating emotional pain, unsure how I will get through the next 60 seconds, let alone the whole day.
We had a family lunch on the weekend (with all my siblings who have no idea about the bulimia) and my 19 year old niece was telling me about a book she read about eating disorders. I thought to myself 'why is she reading that? Maybe she has one!' And I would never know. We don't talk about it. It's shameful. It's embarrassing. It's raw and awkward and while it's completely acceptable to fat-shame yourself and whinge about how much weight you've put on, it seems like it's not okay to open up and say you have an eating disorder. Saying you have anxiety is fine. Saying you deal with it with the mechanisms you do, doesn't seem socially acceptable. Maybe that's just my views.
I've been toying with the idea of telling people. I don't know. Only my mum, my fiancee and my best friend know. I have a friend who knows I've been seeing a psychologist, she knows I've been having some trouble, but she has no idea that I'm bulimic. (Actually, that's just spurred me into an idea. Which has nothing to do with what I'm typing. Language is reality. If I keep saying "I'm bulimic, I have an eating disorder" then I will stay stuck in that situation. I am a recovering bulimic. I'm in recovery. I can put those bad habits(?) in the past. I'm recovering. I am recovering too. I've done so well. Four weeks and no restriction.)
I digress. Back to the telling people thing. Should I talk about it? I'm sure they know I've got some sort of issue - I'm always on a diet, always not eating something in particular. I don't want to be that girl any more. It's also the friend's hens this weekend that I want to tell, and I feel like it would help to be more open about it, because I'm very anxious about the hens and want to have a get out of jail free card if I need it. I guess I can just leave. But I want an excuse to be driving not drinking. I guess I don't need one do I? One of the things I need to learn is that I don't need excuses, the truth is usually sufficient. One of the things I need to work on is owning my shit. Like being able to say 'do you know what, I am exhausted and I am not drinking and I love you and this is no indication of my care for you, but I need to go home, I hope you understand'. And not give a shit if someone thinks that's rude, or thinks it's uncaring. That's their issue, not mine. I know I adore my friend, she knows how much I adore her, I don't think how long you stay out for is an issue.
And the other friend of mine who's going and last weekend was saying how glad she was I was going to drink. I need to just say to her, 'I've changed my mind. I'm going through some heavy stuff at the moment, this isn't the time or the place but I'm seeing a psychologist and I need to stay sober for my own peace of mind. I'm still going to have a good time and enjoy myself, but this is what I need to do.' And I need to forget about impressing her by getting drunk. Because at the end of the day, that's her shit if she can't have a good time without drinking, or needs me to be drunk too.
I took yesterday off work AND today. And I felt really guilty. But then the other day my friend said to me 'mental ILLNESS is still an illness' and she's right. It' s a shame we can't call our boss and say, you know I'm just not coping emotionally with life right now, and I need a bit of a break. It's a shame we can't say that to our doctors to get a medical certificate, but to be honest, I think that's what I am going to say - I'm going to to to the medical centre and tell the doctor I am a recovering bulimic and life has just been really crazy and I needed a break. And I'm going to see what they say. Maybe all of these ideas that society doesn't like us admitting mental illness are just in my head. I mean, if I had an employee who said they were struggling with a mental illness and needed time off I wouldn't challenge it, would anyone?
I knew writing would help me again!!
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