I promised myself I'd write more, yet I haven't been too committed to that by the lack of posts! Anyway here I am. Mostly, on the whole, I am very content and happy where I am. I enjoyed a beautiful Christmas day with family full of turkey, ham, prawns, potato bake and salads. I devoured 2 servings of pavlova for dinner because I could. Then I ate a couple of chocolates and it didn't bother me. We woke up, went for a big run/walk and got in the car for a drive for 8 hours to Melbourne.

 I am allowing myself to indulge in the food that I love, but trying to not graze between meals. Am I happy with how my body looks? No. It is soft, I have cellulite and the beautiful lines and firm muscles I used to have are gone. BUT appearance is temporary and it means nothing. Would I have been happier on Christmas day had I been lean but counting macros - unlikely able to eat particular foods, anxious about not being able to weigh and measure my meal and probably annoyed because I would have binged.. definately self-conscious anyway because despite being lean I still never looked good enough? No. I wouldn't have. I'm happier now, because my weight and my body fat are never low enough, never good enough.. but enjoying food and moments with family and loved ones are always enough and should always be savoured.

However, despite all this I go on Instagram and see people with the bodies I want and I feel a tug inside me... I could look like that! I know what I need to do, but my thoughts don't go that far, not planning how to get there, just reacting to that tug inside me that causes me to feel envious, jealous, a longing for something I feel I'll never have..

But then I remind myself, I can have that. I can be fit and healthy if I don't get extreme. But why do I want it so bad? It took away my ability to live, that obsession with appearance. It negated all the other incredible things about myself, it covered up my creativity and caused rifts in my relationships. Is that what I really want? Looking like that won't make me happy. Perhaps when I'm truly happy I'll look like that anyway because I'm no longer medicating with food and I have a healthy relationship with the gym, but to focus on my appearance as the outcome? That's not what I want anymore.

What do I want? I want to see friends at amazing cafes and indulge in the foods I truly want. I want to feel TRULY in control of what I eat. I want to go to the gym and workout because I love it, not because I hate me. I want to have wine at dinner and dessert afterwards. I want to draw and write and colour and sing in my spare time, because my mind is not filled with 'fitspo' and 'inspo' and my eyes are not glued to social media, in the hope that if I look enough I'll starting looking 'enough'.

In four days a new year begins. 2016, for me, is a year of healing. It's a year of finding myself and learning to love myself again. It's a year of enjoying myself and 'being', not always having to be 'doing'. It's a year that will not have diets or restrictions. It's the year that I will realise I am enough. Right now. As I am. And I look forward to that.