Today I had a great session with Juliet. Considering I went from feeling like I was going to jump off a cliff to feeling like I have a bit more room to move, I am very pleased.
We spoke about my inability to say no to other people, and to need to be the best at everything. "What if you're not the best?" she asked. It was a hard one to answer. "I'd feel inadequate, not special" even saying it was hard. "Is James the best at anything?" she asked me "no, but he's very popular and good at things" "do you think he's special" Yes.
It's given me room to move. I can do my best while simultaneously admitting that that doesn't have to mean driving myself into the ground to get there. Doing my best can mean saying no sometimes. I think that's what I have to learn, I'm certainly not doing my best with Arbonne when I'm shattered and have no energy, I'm not doing my best by my friends to saying yes to things that i don't have time for then not doing a good job. I'm not doing my best at work having to take time off because I'm exhausted and I'm not doing my best by James never having time to help him with the chores or spend quality time with him. And I'm definately not doing my best by myself not taking time to process what I need ot when it comes to having an eating disorder and recovering from it. So really by doing so much I'm actually doing worse than if I gave myself some room to move.
I need to leave my job though, that's taking up too much time. So I might stay there til the end of February, then go to India to do Kate's course and come back and get back into personal training & also do yoga teaching. That gives me some hope and it also helps me realise that I don't HAVE to finish area or push myself so hard if it's not the right time. Recovery needs to be my number 1 focus. My absolute number 1. I can't be focusing on other things right now. Or I'm going to burn out and relapse.
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