I feel so much better about things - my weight was down 300g but still 67.1 which is SO HIGH for me.. but you know what? I just don't care. When you stop focusing on it, stop expecting it to drop and stop looking in the mirror a hundred times a day and replace all those things with other fulfilling things like relationship cultivating, spending time with loved ones and enjoying your life, it doesn't matter so much.
We spent the session really just talking about what I've learned, how far I've come and basically what this journey has taught me:
- eating diet foods leaves you feeling empty
- the pursuit of leanness is NOT the pursuit of happiness, and if you don't work on HOW to love yourself NOW then you'll never love yourself
- there's so much more to live than counting and measuring food in the hope it will change your body
- you (or I could anyway) could eat SO MUCH MORE than I was, of all the foods I loved, and in the end,over nearly 4 months I gained 1.5kg!!!!
- for me, dieting covered up an inner unhappiness and anxiety that once uncovered really reared it's head in full force. Sitting through that and dealing with it (and when I say 'dealing' I literally mean just letting it be without trying to medicate with things like dieting) really taught me that these things aren't to be feared and they'll go away.
- I experienced, really, the lowest of lows in this journey. I felt a way I can't remember EVER feeling, not even when my dad died - because then I knew there was hope and ONE DAY I'd feel better, it was a grief caused by an external event.. this was different, this was a grief that was so deep inside of me, stuck to me like the strongest adhesive, and seeping out like black muck. But I faced it head on, I cried, I didn't go to work, I felt depressed, I felt anxious, I felt like everything was awful and there was no hope.. and once I felt all of that i increasingly got better, to the point where I'm at now where I feel like I have good days and bad days but none of that depends on my weight or what I eat, and none of it will be made better by an improvement in those factors either.
- I am able to enjoy ANYTHING I want.. and strangely, most of the time, I'm happy with something healthy. I have no rules and try to rebel against those deep seated ones (like bread only once per day).. but the other day I ate pizza and only had 3 pieces, which is really unlike me because I'm so black and white usually I'd eat the whole thing.
- I am learning to not be so black and white in general.. and it's funny because whilst trying to live in the gray it means naturally I don't go so black.. like the pizza, but also like wine - I have been having a glass with dinner a couple of times a week, and last night we went out for drinks with friends and had to leave early and I'd only had 2 glasses, I felt like I'd had enough, rather than going out and either having none and feeling tense the whole time, or having 8 and then kicking and screaming when we were going home.
- i am much more relaxed with exercise. I'm back at uni so very busy so do a HIIT session in the morning and then walk from the station to work (20 mins) and back to the station, and take the dogs for a little walk and that's enough for me.
- I am able to get into other things I enjoy and have time for them
- I got off social media and love it, and it's made a huge difference to my perception of self.
- I'm just generally happier
- My body will tell me whta i need and want, if only I learn to listen.
I still struggle with thinking 'maybe I should do that diet' because I feel like a diet will make me learn how to eat, but I don't think that's wise. I think my own body tells me what I want. Like I thought of doing the CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet, surely that's a healthy approach to food with all food groups? But I don't want to eat low fat. I love full fat dairy. And sometimes I won't feel like what's on the meal plan and what then? THen I'd eat pizza, even if what i really felt like was some pork instead of the chicken they recommended and it's all ridiculous. I'm the best guru when it comes to me!
I woke up this morning and read this http://kellybroganmd.com/yoga-eating-lose-dogma-find/
and wanted to share this...
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