Only once a month counselling - recovered?

So I had a session on Tuesday, and decided I no longer have to log my food AND I'll see her again in a month, not a fortnight, which is just MASSIVE progress.

I feel so much better about things - my weight was down 300g but still 67.1 which is SO HIGH for me.. but you know what? I just don't care. When you stop focusing on it, stop expecting it to drop and stop looking in the mirror a hundred times a day and replace all those things with other fulfilling things like relationship cultivating, spending time with loved ones and enjoying your life, it doesn't matter so much.

We spent the session really just talking about what I've learned, how far I've come and basically what this journey has taught me:
- eating diet foods leaves you feeling empty
- the pursuit of leanness is NOT the pursuit of happiness, and if you don't work on HOW to love yourself NOW then you'll never love yourself
- there's so much more to live than counting and measuring food in the hope it will change your body
- you (or I could anyway) could eat SO MUCH MORE than I was, of all the foods I loved, and in the end,over nearly 4 months I gained 1.5kg!!!!
- for me, dieting covered up an inner unhappiness and anxiety that once uncovered really reared it's head in full force. Sitting through that and dealing with it (and when I say 'dealing' I literally mean just letting it be without trying to medicate with things like dieting) really taught me that these things aren't to be feared and they'll go away.
- I experienced, really, the lowest of lows in this journey. I felt a way I can't remember EVER feeling, not even when my dad died - because then I knew there was hope and ONE DAY I'd feel better, it was a grief caused by an external event.. this was different, this was a grief that was so deep inside of me, stuck to me like the strongest adhesive, and seeping out like black muck. But I faced it head on, I cried, I didn't go to work, I felt depressed, I felt anxious, I felt like everything was awful and there was no hope.. and once I felt all of that i increasingly got better, to the point where I'm at now where I feel like I have good days and bad days but none of that depends on my weight or what I eat, and none of it will be made better by an improvement in those factors either.
- I am able to enjoy ANYTHING I want.. and strangely, most of the time, I'm happy with something healthy. I have no rules and try to rebel against those deep seated ones (like bread only once per day).. but the other day I ate pizza and only had 3 pieces, which is really unlike me because I'm so black and white usually I'd eat the whole thing.
- I am learning to not be so black and white in general.. and it's funny because whilst trying to live in the gray it means naturally I don't go so black.. like the pizza, but also like wine - I have been having a glass with dinner a couple of times a week, and last night we went out for drinks with friends and had to leave early and I'd only had 2 glasses, I felt like I'd had enough, rather than going out and either having none and feeling tense the whole time, or having 8 and then kicking and screaming when we were going home.
- i am much more relaxed with exercise. I'm back at uni so very busy so do a HIIT session in the morning and then walk from the station to work (20 mins) and back to the station, and take the dogs for a little walk and that's enough for me.
- I am able to get into other things I enjoy and have time for them
- I got off social media and love it, and it's made a huge difference to my perception of self.
- I'm just generally happier
- My body will tell me whta i need and want, if only I learn to listen. 

I still struggle with thinking 'maybe I should do that diet' because I feel like a diet will make me learn how to eat, but I don't think that's wise. I think my own body tells me what I want. Like I thought of doing the CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet, surely that's a healthy approach to food with all food groups? But I don't want to eat low fat. I love full fat dairy. And sometimes I won't feel like what's on the meal plan and what then? THen I'd eat pizza, even if what i really felt like was some pork instead of the chicken they recommended and it's all ridiculous. I'm the best guru when it comes to me!

 I woke up this morning and read this http://kellybroganmd.com/yoga-eating-lose-dogma-find/

and wanted to share this...

January 1 2016!

How refreshing is January 1? It has so much hope, a sparkle and a freshness that I hope I can carry on for every new day.

I have a few random thoughts I wish to share..

I was reading aloud The Alchemist to James and playing with the excess fat on my hips, as I tend to, unconsciously. I started instead to rub my hand lightly over my thigh, and noticed how soft and smooth my skin is there. As I continued I realised that all this time I have been so concerned with how flabby I am there, that I have not noticed how smooth and soft the skin is. The more I continue this journey, the more I see this is the case. While I have been concerned with all of my 'faults', I have not noticed all of my 'perfections'. The way I'm starting to see it, you can choose to see your faults or you can choose to see your perfections but like it says in my book 'Overcoming Binge Eating' if you look for fat, you will find it. All that time I've focused on my fat, and failed to notice the beauty of my skin.

The other day I felt James was upset with me, and I put more makeup on and considered straightening my hair, thinking if he'd just see how pretty I look he'll change his attitude. I realised suddenly that this is not what he wants, nor is it what he is attracted to, so I went out and offered to help him with something instead, I committed an act of love, instead of thinking my looks would do the work and the more I focused on him and making him feel good the more things got better. I realised that to make someone fall in love with you, or to keep them there, you must love them and show you love them. My looks will not keep our relationship together. When I am upset with James never do I think 'oh well he's so good looking it doesn't matter' although I easily could. No. It's the things he does and the person he is that helps me to forgive him and all this time I have been leaning on my looks to fix things instead of my acts.

So we come to a new year and of course I have resolutions. But this year they're different. I'm not committing to ridiculously unbalanced health goals. I have one key theme and that is healing. My focus this year is to heal and to do this I am going to:
1. Focus more on being and less on doing
2. Aim to meditate every day
3. Continue to see Juliet and write this diary/blog and continue structured eating and continue avoiding diets.
4. Explore my creativity through writing, drawing and colouring in. Focus on creating, for the journey not for the product. 
5. Continue to explore who Acacia really is. All these years I try to figure out what I want to be and it always changes, but that's no surprise when I don't even know who I am and have lost touch with what I love.
6. Read lots of books. Fiction and non-fiction. Whatever I please.
7. Make James's life as happy and as easy as possible.. Commit an act of love every day.

I promised myself I'd write more, yet I haven't been too committed to that by the lack of posts! Anyway here I am. Mostly, on the whole, I am very content and happy where I am. I enjoyed a beautiful Christmas day with family full of turkey, ham, prawns, potato bake and salads. I devoured 2 servings of pavlova for dinner because I could. Then I ate a couple of chocolates and it didn't bother me. We woke up, went for a big run/walk and got in the car for a drive for 8 hours to Melbourne.

 I am allowing myself to indulge in the food that I love, but trying to not graze between meals. Am I happy with how my body looks? No. It is soft, I have cellulite and the beautiful lines and firm muscles I used to have are gone. BUT appearance is temporary and it means nothing. Would I have been happier on Christmas day had I been lean but counting macros - unlikely able to eat particular foods, anxious about not being able to weigh and measure my meal and probably annoyed because I would have binged.. definately self-conscious anyway because despite being lean I still never looked good enough? No. I wouldn't have. I'm happier now, because my weight and my body fat are never low enough, never good enough.. but enjoying food and moments with family and loved ones are always enough and should always be savoured.

However, despite all this I go on Instagram and see people with the bodies I want and I feel a tug inside me... I could look like that! I know what I need to do, but my thoughts don't go that far, not planning how to get there, just reacting to that tug inside me that causes me to feel envious, jealous, a longing for something I feel I'll never have..

But then I remind myself, I can have that. I can be fit and healthy if I don't get extreme. But why do I want it so bad? It took away my ability to live, that obsession with appearance. It negated all the other incredible things about myself, it covered up my creativity and caused rifts in my relationships. Is that what I really want? Looking like that won't make me happy. Perhaps when I'm truly happy I'll look like that anyway because I'm no longer medicating with food and I have a healthy relationship with the gym, but to focus on my appearance as the outcome? That's not what I want anymore.

What do I want? I want to see friends at amazing cafes and indulge in the foods I truly want. I want to feel TRULY in control of what I eat. I want to go to the gym and workout because I love it, not because I hate me. I want to have wine at dinner and dessert afterwards. I want to draw and write and colour and sing in my spare time, because my mind is not filled with 'fitspo' and 'inspo' and my eyes are not glued to social media, in the hope that if I look enough I'll starting looking 'enough'.

In four days a new year begins. 2016, for me, is a year of healing. It's a year of finding myself and learning to love myself again. It's a year of enjoying myself and 'being', not always having to be 'doing'. It's a year that will not have diets or restrictions. It's the year that I will realise I am enough. Right now. As I am. And I look forward to that.

Day 13 Intuitive Eating Journal

I went out to dinner last night and forgot about my diary! I had a shocking day to begin with - weighed myself and weigh 65.9!! I couldn't believe it. That's the most I've weighed in SO LONG. I don't know what's going on. I suddenly questioned all this intuitive eating stuff, but then I thought about it and I remember at the beginning expecting a little weight gain - for the first time ever I'm giving myself permission to eat whatever I want, so of course I've been choosing less healthy options. I had 2 waffle cones last week with 2 scoops of gelato each time, I had 3 or 4 of those bulla choc coated ice creams, plus I had the vegan chocolate brownie thing.. and I had 2 cupcakes saturday and 3 glasses of champagne, plus little puff pastry squares, so really I should be happy I didn't put on more! Anyway, I'm focused this week, I've committed to the 12wbt workouts, to be honest I am calorie counting as well to hit 1500 BUT my main thing is appetite and eating what I really want, so I will be okay going over the cals if I'm really hungry and my body asks for it.

B: -2 2 gluten free weetbix, 1/4 cup muesli, 3/4 cup rice milk, 1 banana +3
S: -3 flat white +1
L: (half hour later) -3 2 x gluten free toast with 100g red tinned salmon, 40g light cream cheese, dill & 1/2 a cucumber +3
S: -2 150g pineapple, 100g yogurt  +2
1/2 hour run/walk (12 min run, 9 min walk, 9 min run)
L: -3 1 cup vegan mushroom risotto, 2 cups salad +2
Dessert: 1 bite (literally half a teaspoon) raw vegan beetroot mudcake; peppermint tea

To be honest I went to bed hungry, but I'd rather wake up hungry and eat early than eat before bed and have to wait for breakfast.

Anyway, much healthier day today - lots of vegetables and got my 2 fruits in so very happy with that.

http://www.intuitiveeating.org/content/10-principles-intuitive-eating

10 Principles of Intuitive Eating

1. Reject the Diet Mentality Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently. Get angry at the lies that have led you to feel as if you were a failure every time a new diet stopped working and you gained back all of the weight. If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.
2. Honor Your Hunger Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for re-building trust with yourself and food.
3. Make Peace with Food Call a truce, stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, bingeing When you finally “give-in” to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt.
4. Challenge the Food Police .Scream a loud "NO" to thoughts in your head that declare you're "good" for eating minimal calories or "bad" because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created . The police station is housed deep in your psyche, and its loud speaker shouts negative barbs, hopeless phrases, and guilt-provoking indictments. Chasing the Food Police away is a critical step in returning to Intuitive Eating.
5. Respect Your Fullness Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show that you're comfortably full. Pause in the middle of a meal or food and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what is your current fullness level?
6. Discover the Satisfaction Factor The Japanese have the wisdom to promote pleasure as one of their goals of healthy living In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence--the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting and conducive, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. By providing this experience for yourself, you will find that it takes much less food to decide you've had "enough".
7. Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food Find ways to comfort , nurture, distract, and resolve your issues without using food. Anxiety, loneliness, boredom, anger are emotions we all experience throughout life. Each has its own trigger, and each has its own appeasement. Food won't fix any of these feelings. It may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you into a food hangover. But food won't solve the problem. If anything, eating for an emotional hunger will only make you feel worse in the long run. You'll ultimately have to deal with the source of the emotion, as well as the discomfort of overeating.
8. Respect Your Body Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally as futile (and uncomfortable) to have the same expectation with body size. But mostly, respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are. It's hard to reject the diet mentality if you are unrealistic and overly critical about your body shape.
9. Exercise--Feel the Difference Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise. If you focus on how you feel from working out, such as energized, it can make the difference between rolling out of bed for a brisk morning walk or hitting the snooze alarm. If when you wake up, your only goal is to lose weight, it's usually not a motivating factor in that moment of time.
10 Honor Your Health--Gentle Nutrition Make food choices that honor your health and tastebuds while making you feel well. Remember that you don't have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy. You will not suddenly get a nutrient deficiency or gain weight from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating. It's what you eat consistently over time that matters, progress not perfection is what counts.

Day 7 Tuesday 21 October

So. I weighed myself this morning. I shouldn't have, you're not meant to weigh for a month, but I did just in case. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't lost weight - there's literally no other option for me now. Anyway, I lost 700g!! So I'm really happy about that.

I went for a big bush walk this morning for an hour, it was great. I didn't do my workout - I'm trying to think of how I can start exercising because long workouts by myself don't happen and are so boring.

My eating was good. I'm still finding it hard to balance between my brain telling me I  "should" be full from what I've eaten and being actually full, like dinner tonight.

B: -4 flat white, 2 weetbix, homemade coconut water milk (blended with flesh), handful muesli +3
L: -3 Wrap with goats cheese, carrot, cucumber, avocado; 1 bulla choc coated ice cream; bowl yogurt with half a banana +3
D: -2 3 beef chapi, salad with green apple, dried apricot, radish, cucumber, sesame seeds and tahini; bulla choc coated ice cream, rice milk +2

So I guess I didn't really eat much today. I definately didn't eat when I wasn't hungry, but like at dinner I just felt like I just wasn't satisfied - I still feel like that. I think I wanted the ice blocks so I didn't eat as much so I could make room for it. At least I'm eating more vegetables now and I'm suprised because I'm not snacking.

Day 4 Intuitive Eating Diary Saturday 18th October

I'm doing this on Sunday because I had a wedding last night.

Yesterday wasn't the greatest in terms of intuitive eating. I felt a bit picky all day, it wasn't too bad in the day but then at the wedding it was really bad. I didn't pay attention to my hunger at all, ate and drank way too much, ate HEAPS of lollies and then came home and made a wrap and I didn't even need it because I definately wasn't hungry!

B: -3, 2x gluten free weetbix, almond and coconut milk, handful muesli & 1 small banana +1 so added 1 piece gluten free toast with vegemite and cheese +3
S: -2, flat white, +3
L: -2 wrap with avocado and cheese, banana bread +4
S: 0 flat white +1
Wedding: -1 red & white wine, champagne, 2 arancini balls, 1 satay stick, 1 goats cheese tart +3
Entree: 0 3 scallops with cauliflower puree, heaps of lollies
Main: Duck with greens
Dessert: Creme brulee (I only ate half of it and I'd thrown the lollies away by then)
Home: Wrap with vegan chilli, cheese and avocado.

So as you can see I ate alot yesterday, but I'm glad I stopped eating the creme brulee and put the lollies away. I defaintely could have done better but oh well! The wedding was a really fun time and the bride and groom are so in love,it was just beautiful. I love weddings they make me so excited for mine!!

Day 3 Intuitive Eating Diary October 17

Another successful day. I feel like I probably ate to a fuller satiety but then I got my TOM so... that might explain it. I also did a workout today and that helped. I'm loving that I went out to dinner with friends and didn't need to stress - I even told her to just order because I couldn't be bothered. No over the top analysing and being picky - so nice. I enjoyed a glass of wine as well!

B: -2 Protein shake with a banana in it +3
S: -3 Vegan gluten free banana bread with butter and a full cream flat white +3
S: -4 Raw vegan jaffa slice 1/2 and 1/2 raw vegan peanut butter fudge before training
1 hour gym session with brother
Coconut water
L: -3 Wrap with vegan chilli, avo, chobani, cheese, lettuce; chobani apricot yogurt with a hand ful of muesli+4
This was weird because I was sort of hungry and then after I ate I was still hungry, or unsatisfied until I had the yogurt. I guess I worked out and had a small breakfast.
D: -3 1 dumpling, 1 dim sim, 2 piece sashimi; beef stir fry, rice, pork belly stir fry & pork curry; 1 glass wine +1
Dessert: -1 scoop chocolate gelato, scoop hazelnut gelato +4

So I am a bit unsure of the hunger ratings. I feel like I'm never ravaged when I eat, but I am hungry, but I feel like I'm either hungry or not hungry, so I'm not used to the different scales yet. -1 is barely hungry, -2 is getting hungrier -3 is need to eat - 4 is pretty hungry and -5 is ravaged. But I feel like I always eat at the same and it's when I notice I'm hungry. I'm not comfortable waiting and seeing if I get hungrier yet. Before dinner I was still full from lunch but then I got hungrier waiting there, and I didn't eat so much I was stuffed and I had room for gelato. COuld have done with 1 scoop but again, I think I'm not used to it yet. I am quite proud of myself though because I haven't eaten when not at all hungry, and today I had a nap and knew i was going out to dinner and normally I'd have a snack anyway just because a few hours had past so I was 'allowed' to eat but I didn't because I wasn't hungry. And although it felt weird having the yogurt after my wrap I definately felt more satisfied afterward.

I read this article last night. I really loved it. It's good because she describes everything at the beginning that I'm going through as well - that need to get all the unhealthy food out of your system, but I'm pretty pleased with my healthy choices. I still go to bed and think about breakfast, and plan my meals ahead but it's only been 3 days - early days yet!

I have a wedding tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that. It will be interesting as it will be 3 courses and you're never hungry by the end so I might try to make sure I'm extra hungry!

Day 2 Intuitive Eating Diary 16 Oct 2014

I just went and saw If I go to Sleep with Nicole Kidman. It was amazing!

I had another good day. I'm proud of how it ended even if I did go a bit over.

I had breakfast at about a -2.5 of 2 gluten free weetbix, home made muesli, almond milk and a small banana which took me to a +3
Snack at -3 was a flat white which actually made me hungrier!
Lunch was only 1 hour after that so I held out it was a -3 for vegan chilli with kale salad, guacamole, cashew cheese and a gluten free corn tortilla, followed by a raw snickers and a cup of tea took me to a +3
Snack at -2 was a cherry chobani +2 satiety
Dog walk for an hour
Then dinner was sushi, we had about 8 plates between us and I had one sushi off each plate, then 2 scoops of gelato in a cone!

I was pleased because although I was very satisfied from the sushi I did stop myself early knowing I could have gelato. I'm not good at having just one flavour, I'm sure as I get used to it I will be able to, and I must remember to always just choose hazelnut as it's my favourite, that or chocolate. I do love waffle cones too!

I'm very proud of myself though because I didn't have anything other than the yogurt and usually I'd nibble when I got home. Even though I didn't go to the gym I did go for a big walk and that's something I've been noticing the past 2 days - if I'm not hungry enough to eat then it's good to make myself busy to distract myself, and it really works. It was lovely having a full cream coffee this morning too - it really is delicious.

All in all I feel very good because this time round I know that even though I'm eating things i wouldn't normally I am not eating when I'm not hungry and that's a REALLY bad habit, and i'm consciously thinking about what I'm feeling like if I know I want to have something like ice cream later. Only 19 days until this is a habit :)

Day 1 Intuitive Eating

I'm going to diarise my progress with this because I really need to do it. Watched this video last night & something that hit home was when she said "you will probably lose weight doing this if you are eating when you're not hungry too often" and that's me! I'm not going to weigh myself, focus on what my body looks like or do anything but try to accept my body and love it for what it is.

Then I read this Article from intuitiveeating.org about emotional eating, and the client in the case study really didn't admit he had a problem with emotional eating, but then the counsellor noted the fact that if he's eating past satiety then clearly he has a problem with emotional eating because why else would he do it? And I really realised this too. Another thing it helped me realise was that, like the client, I am concerned about giving up my attachment to food because it has really helped me through a few things. But, to be honest, I'm not giving up food entirely - just taking back the control. And in reality, I'm going to enjoy my favourite foods MORE because there'll be no guilt.

I'm a little concerned, at this point, about putting on weight before my wedding - because I always go a bit mad when I start 'intuitive eating', eating all sorts of things, but this time I'm going to let myself explore 'forbidden' foods, but I'm still only going to eat when I'm hungry. The question I will ask myself is 'Do I want this now, or later?' to remind myself it's still an option later when I'm actually hungry and 'Will I feel good if I eat this now?' because I get worried all I'll want is glutenous sugarey carbs and they make me feel so awful, so being aware of how they make me feel will help.

Today I ate:

5am: -3 Hunger Chobani, honey & muesli +4 Satiety
7am: 0 Hunger Long Black
8.30am: -2 Hunger LF Soy hot choc with 2 marshmallows +3 Satiety
10.30am: -3 Hunger Wholemeal cheese, avo, chobani & chilli con carne toastie; Banana bread piece +4 Satiety
5pm: -4 Hunger Pumpkin ravioli with tomato pasta sauce, parmesan & baby spinach; Magnum Ego Satiety +4
6.30pm: Tea

Wow. I can't believe I actually didn't eat between lunch and dinner. Like that's really amazing. And although I did eat lots of sugarey, carb dense foods, I know at the moment that's me really wanting to get them out of my system, and I know I'll get bored of that. All in all, I'm so proud of myself. I ate when hungry, stopped when satisfied enough and forgot about eating in between! I never forget about eating. It was because I was hungry and told myself I could have pasta and a magnum for dinner but wanted to be hungry for the magnum so decided to eat dinner early enough so the magnum could come later and I wouldn't need a snack in between.

I'm really excited now.

For exercise I cleaned the house including mopping and vacuuming, putting washing away and also did 3 laps of the park.

NOTE TO SELF: WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY

I know these days come and go. They come; but they also go. So here is a few points to remember:
1. This too shall pass. Repeat it like a mantra while breathing deeply.
2. You have things you love in your life: your fiancee, the dogs, your big beautiful family, the best friends in the world, an AMAZING business with supportive people, legs, arms, a body, a home, a brain, ambition, values, freedom... Write yourself a grateful list.
3. Be gentle. Why do you need to do it all today? Can it wait? What can wait? Write a TO DO list (or knowing me you already have), now highlight things that ABSOLUTELY MUST be done today (dog walking etc.). Do those things, TICK THEM OFF and reward yourself for doing them by having a very gentle, relaxing day.
4. How to have a nice day:

1. Put the kettle on
2. Get a novel, a fiction novel that's engrossing
3. Sit on the couch (with a blanket if it's cold), make yourself a big cup of tea or a hot chocolate with honey, hot water and almond milk.
4. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself everything is perfect right now at this very moment. Repeat this mantra Everything is okay, right now, in this moment continually until you're feeling better
5. Sit on the couch, drinking tea and reading your book for as long as you need. Take the rest of the day off! You've done enough

YOU ARE ENOUGH! 

Why it's so hard to quit dieting

I'm assuming that anyone who reads this (if anyone ever does) probably has an eating disorder or can sympathise. But just in case I'm going to explain why it's so hard to quit dieting and something I've realised lately.

It's so hard to quit because it's so hard to avoid triggering images. Whether it's photos of a leaner self, photos of a friend who's lost weight, photos in an advertisement or someone on TV it's very hard to look at these people and realise that you'll never look like that. Part of why I'm feeling so down lately is realising that I've failed at the one goal I've had for the last 10 years - to be thin. What's important though, is that I'm leaving it now. It's been 10 years. It's been too long.

Something I realised while watching a YouTube video of Shaye Boddington is that saying goodbye to dieting DOES NOT have to mean that you will never lose weight, or that you'll remain at the weight you are. It's very easy to think that you'll put on weight once you start eating more food or once you stop restricting. I'm not sure what's going to happen to be honest, but I do know that if I keep dieting I will put on more and more weight and be more and more unhappy.

So after a pretty miserable day here are some things I'm going to do to try to help myself during this hard time:
1. Get off social media - I've tried to unfollow all the fitness pages I follow but it just shows up time and time again and it is very triggering
2. Exercise every day. I didn't yesterday and I nearly didn't today but I NEVER regret a walk, it's good to clear the head, release the endorphins, realise that I am very lucky to have a beautiful place to walk free with fresh air and it's so fun for my little dogs. So I'm going to consider it my antidepressant and something I need to do every day.
3. I want to write 'talk to my fiancee about all of this' but I keep hesitating. It's REALLY hard to talk about an eating disorder with someone who's never had one. Just as hard to talk to someone who does (my best friend has anorexia and I always think that Bulimia is like the fat girl's answer to anorexia, she went to hospital and exercises all the time and often doesn't eat and I feel like my eating problems are nothing in comparison, which is ridiculous but that's just the way it is). Anyway, I need to talk to him about this and what it all means. But what does it mean? Today I called the dietician to make an appointment and for some reason her notes said I have Type 2 diabetes and I said no actually I had bulimia and I never really figured out how to eat healthily I'm either dieting or bingeing and she said 'okay so you're in recovery?' and I awkwardly laughed because I guess I am. It just sounds so formal. I am certainly not recovered, but I'm really not that sick so it's a strange place to be. Anyway, I guess I do need to explain that this is going to bring up lots of emotions and problems for me and be really difficult so I'll need his support.
4. Give myself time to clean the house and do chores. I feel really shit when I haven't done chores for a while but they always come last.
5. Let myself get a Pass for uni. A Pass is okay. I want an HD but honestly, recovering from all this crap and getting an HD and having my fiancee start his new shop is all a bit much, so a Pass will have to do.
6. Do something fun every day. I'm going to have to figure out what to do with this one because I don't have much time or money, but I really need to work on this.

What am I doing and why am I doing it?

I've decided to see a dietitian. I waste so much money on diet books and programs the money would be better spent seeing a professional who can help me deal with my problems.

Anyway, this is not completely diet/food related, but it's life related and I don't believe life is made up of many different, separate parts, but instead each part is a part of a whole so it all counts towards the same thing.

So, today and yesterday have been really unmotivated. I can't help asking myself lately

What am I doing and why am I doing it?

This all started because my fiancee was really rude to me this morning at work (we work together) and later he apologised and said he's tired and stressed (he's expanding his business and it's hard work). I asked him if it was worth it, and should we just throw in the towel and give up on all of this, when it's all just for money. He didn't really reply and later my mum told me I shouldn't ask him to give up his dreams for mine.

So what are my dreams?

My ultimate dream:

Live in the country or by the beach, in a small house with my children and my husband, neither of us working but just growing vegetables, living a simple life.

That is my dream. Pretty simple. Is it attainable?

Last year one of my favourite people packed up and moved to India to be with her yoga instructor who she'd fallen in love with during a yoga course over the Summer. I was so envious. My mum says it's different because she has no parents so she could leave easily. I feel like a piece of bubble gum stretched so far. I'm not happy. I'm just not. But would moving overseas really make me happy? My fiancee would never leave. But then why stay somewhere for someone else to fulfil their dreams? Because i'm scared. I love him. I don't want to leave him. I couldn't leave him. I can't imagine life without him. But just having him is not enough and really that's the problem. Is life always going to be like this? Will I always feel like something is missing? Should I just get a real job and forget about uni? What's the point in making sacrifices if it's not for your own goals? How do you go for your own goals when you're in a relationship? I guess you just do what you want and hope your partner comes along for the ride.

Struggling today

Fuck. I feel like every time I really try to battle all this diet crap I get really depressed. I know it's good for me. I know I need to do this and I know that the fact it really messes with my head means that it's NEEDED but it's just really hard. It's just so much easier to travel along in life pretending like everything is okay.

So I haven't done any study. I have a sore back and I just wasn't in the mood for study. I feel like I've been eating too much bread and stuff like that. I had a gozleme for lunch which was delicious and then 3 pieces of toast. i guess I just need to get all these wheat products out of the restricted pile. It's frustrating. I'm lucky it's winter because I'm not focusing on my body. It's really easy atm to just say stuff it I don't care what my legs look like! But I know come summer and bikinis and shorts it won't be so easy.

There's a saying "being overweight is hard. Losing weight is hard. Choose your hard." I guess that's how it is right? Difference is, after all my restricting I can't lose weight, not just because my metabolism is stuffed but because my mind is. I can't commit to it for long enough. I can't restrict myself and I guess that's a good thing.

 I didn't go for my walk today. I should have. It's like my antidepressant. i'm just feeling so "ground hog day" these days. Especially because I don't get weekends, every day is the same. What a bore. I'm bored. I'm so bored with life. I'm so over having a messy house, eating foods that make me feel crap, having a messy study, having to study at all, having to put washing away, having to do washing, having a boring life. This is my life: wake up at 4.30am. Eat breakfast. Work. Drive home. Eat lunch. Study. Walk dogs. Make Dinner. Eat. Go to bed. Then repeat. 7 days a week. No, that's a lie. I have uni 1 day which I love and Saturdays are my day off. But I still have to study and I have no money so I can't see friends.