Only once a month counselling - recovered?

So I had a session on Tuesday, and decided I no longer have to log my food AND I'll see her again in a month, not a fortnight, which is just MASSIVE progress.

I feel so much better about things - my weight was down 300g but still 67.1 which is SO HIGH for me.. but you know what? I just don't care. When you stop focusing on it, stop expecting it to drop and stop looking in the mirror a hundred times a day and replace all those things with other fulfilling things like relationship cultivating, spending time with loved ones and enjoying your life, it doesn't matter so much.

We spent the session really just talking about what I've learned, how far I've come and basically what this journey has taught me:
- eating diet foods leaves you feeling empty
- the pursuit of leanness is NOT the pursuit of happiness, and if you don't work on HOW to love yourself NOW then you'll never love yourself
- there's so much more to live than counting and measuring food in the hope it will change your body
- you (or I could anyway) could eat SO MUCH MORE than I was, of all the foods I loved, and in the end,over nearly 4 months I gained 1.5kg!!!!
- for me, dieting covered up an inner unhappiness and anxiety that once uncovered really reared it's head in full force. Sitting through that and dealing with it (and when I say 'dealing' I literally mean just letting it be without trying to medicate with things like dieting) really taught me that these things aren't to be feared and they'll go away.
- I experienced, really, the lowest of lows in this journey. I felt a way I can't remember EVER feeling, not even when my dad died - because then I knew there was hope and ONE DAY I'd feel better, it was a grief caused by an external event.. this was different, this was a grief that was so deep inside of me, stuck to me like the strongest adhesive, and seeping out like black muck. But I faced it head on, I cried, I didn't go to work, I felt depressed, I felt anxious, I felt like everything was awful and there was no hope.. and once I felt all of that i increasingly got better, to the point where I'm at now where I feel like I have good days and bad days but none of that depends on my weight or what I eat, and none of it will be made better by an improvement in those factors either.
- I am able to enjoy ANYTHING I want.. and strangely, most of the time, I'm happy with something healthy. I have no rules and try to rebel against those deep seated ones (like bread only once per day).. but the other day I ate pizza and only had 3 pieces, which is really unlike me because I'm so black and white usually I'd eat the whole thing.
- I am learning to not be so black and white in general.. and it's funny because whilst trying to live in the gray it means naturally I don't go so black.. like the pizza, but also like wine - I have been having a glass with dinner a couple of times a week, and last night we went out for drinks with friends and had to leave early and I'd only had 2 glasses, I felt like I'd had enough, rather than going out and either having none and feeling tense the whole time, or having 8 and then kicking and screaming when we were going home.
- i am much more relaxed with exercise. I'm back at uni so very busy so do a HIIT session in the morning and then walk from the station to work (20 mins) and back to the station, and take the dogs for a little walk and that's enough for me.
- I am able to get into other things I enjoy and have time for them
- I got off social media and love it, and it's made a huge difference to my perception of self.
- I'm just generally happier
- My body will tell me whta i need and want, if only I learn to listen. 

I still struggle with thinking 'maybe I should do that diet' because I feel like a diet will make me learn how to eat, but I don't think that's wise. I think my own body tells me what I want. Like I thought of doing the CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet, surely that's a healthy approach to food with all food groups? But I don't want to eat low fat. I love full fat dairy. And sometimes I won't feel like what's on the meal plan and what then? THen I'd eat pizza, even if what i really felt like was some pork instead of the chicken they recommended and it's all ridiculous. I'm the best guru when it comes to me!

 I woke up this morning and read this http://kellybroganmd.com/yoga-eating-lose-dogma-find/

and wanted to share this...

FAT FEELINGS..

Today I went to the gym and while I was pulling up my tights in the mirror I caught sight of my fat, flabby tummy. I walked out into the gym floor and saw my thick, shapeless legs. How sad that my beautifully sculpted body had gone, as I had suspected it had. Back I was to the shapeless, short, thick body I had for so long tried to get rid of. It is here to stay or so it would seem.

My whole set of squats was ruined, and each time I squatted down I could see my fat squishing over my hips. I couldn't talk. I could hardly even finish my second set without crying. Literally. I was devastated and so upset. What can I do? I can't diet. How else does one lose weight? I doubt Juliet would even be okay with me losing weight as I'm at a 'healthy' weight.

Halfway through the sets as I jammed the weight onto the end of the barbell I thought to myself "you're choosing to let this ruin your workout. You're here. You're working out. You're doing your best." Then I reminded myself "you have God within you. Your strength comes from the eternal, divine energy that you share with all sentient beings and all life, your body is a vessel, it's a body, it's not your soul, your soul radiates from within" and just like that I felt better.

I'm glad I managed to feel that energy within and realise it's not the outer. I have a long way to go, and yes, I can stop drinking so much wine, exercise more regularly, and eat healthier foods. I don't need to deprive myself of anything. I can be healthier and lose the excess weight, slowly. And that's what I'll do. Slow and steady, no restrictions, no measuring, no deprivation.

January 1 2016!

How refreshing is January 1? It has so much hope, a sparkle and a freshness that I hope I can carry on for every new day.

I have a few random thoughts I wish to share..

I was reading aloud The Alchemist to James and playing with the excess fat on my hips, as I tend to, unconsciously. I started instead to rub my hand lightly over my thigh, and noticed how soft and smooth my skin is there. As I continued I realised that all this time I have been so concerned with how flabby I am there, that I have not noticed how smooth and soft the skin is. The more I continue this journey, the more I see this is the case. While I have been concerned with all of my 'faults', I have not noticed all of my 'perfections'. The way I'm starting to see it, you can choose to see your faults or you can choose to see your perfections but like it says in my book 'Overcoming Binge Eating' if you look for fat, you will find it. All that time I've focused on my fat, and failed to notice the beauty of my skin.

The other day I felt James was upset with me, and I put more makeup on and considered straightening my hair, thinking if he'd just see how pretty I look he'll change his attitude. I realised suddenly that this is not what he wants, nor is it what he is attracted to, so I went out and offered to help him with something instead, I committed an act of love, instead of thinking my looks would do the work and the more I focused on him and making him feel good the more things got better. I realised that to make someone fall in love with you, or to keep them there, you must love them and show you love them. My looks will not keep our relationship together. When I am upset with James never do I think 'oh well he's so good looking it doesn't matter' although I easily could. No. It's the things he does and the person he is that helps me to forgive him and all this time I have been leaning on my looks to fix things instead of my acts.

So we come to a new year and of course I have resolutions. But this year they're different. I'm not committing to ridiculously unbalanced health goals. I have one key theme and that is healing. My focus this year is to heal and to do this I am going to:
1. Focus more on being and less on doing
2. Aim to meditate every day
3. Continue to see Juliet and write this diary/blog and continue structured eating and continue avoiding diets.
4. Explore my creativity through writing, drawing and colouring in. Focus on creating, for the journey not for the product. 
5. Continue to explore who Acacia really is. All these years I try to figure out what I want to be and it always changes, but that's no surprise when I don't even know who I am and have lost touch with what I love.
6. Read lots of books. Fiction and non-fiction. Whatever I please.
7. Make James's life as happy and as easy as possible.. Commit an act of love every day.

It's none of my business

So I had this realization today. James and I have been fighting and it made me so anxious to think about if we split up, and also if he doesn't love m.. but I realised oh if someone else likes me it's none of my business. Even if James loves me or not, it's none of my business. I have finally realised I can't control someone else's feelings towards me. I can try to control them, by doing artificial, incongruous actions that I think will impress them, but truly deep down I don't know. I don't know why James loves me - if it was my decision I'd say it was my looks, but then I don't think that much of my looks so sort of think it's not that. But either way, it's only a guess.