Day 4 Intuitive Eating Diary Saturday 18th October

I'm doing this on Sunday because I had a wedding last night.

Yesterday wasn't the greatest in terms of intuitive eating. I felt a bit picky all day, it wasn't too bad in the day but then at the wedding it was really bad. I didn't pay attention to my hunger at all, ate and drank way too much, ate HEAPS of lollies and then came home and made a wrap and I didn't even need it because I definately wasn't hungry!

B: -3, 2x gluten free weetbix, almond and coconut milk, handful muesli & 1 small banana +1 so added 1 piece gluten free toast with vegemite and cheese +3
S: -2, flat white, +3
L: -2 wrap with avocado and cheese, banana bread +4
S: 0 flat white +1
Wedding: -1 red & white wine, champagne, 2 arancini balls, 1 satay stick, 1 goats cheese tart +3
Entree: 0 3 scallops with cauliflower puree, heaps of lollies
Main: Duck with greens
Dessert: Creme brulee (I only ate half of it and I'd thrown the lollies away by then)
Home: Wrap with vegan chilli, cheese and avocado.

So as you can see I ate alot yesterday, but I'm glad I stopped eating the creme brulee and put the lollies away. I defaintely could have done better but oh well! The wedding was a really fun time and the bride and groom are so in love,it was just beautiful. I love weddings they make me so excited for mine!!

Day 3 Intuitive Eating Diary October 17

Another successful day. I feel like I probably ate to a fuller satiety but then I got my TOM so... that might explain it. I also did a workout today and that helped. I'm loving that I went out to dinner with friends and didn't need to stress - I even told her to just order because I couldn't be bothered. No over the top analysing and being picky - so nice. I enjoyed a glass of wine as well!

B: -2 Protein shake with a banana in it +3
S: -3 Vegan gluten free banana bread with butter and a full cream flat white +3
S: -4 Raw vegan jaffa slice 1/2 and 1/2 raw vegan peanut butter fudge before training
1 hour gym session with brother
Coconut water
L: -3 Wrap with vegan chilli, avo, chobani, cheese, lettuce; chobani apricot yogurt with a hand ful of muesli+4
This was weird because I was sort of hungry and then after I ate I was still hungry, or unsatisfied until I had the yogurt. I guess I worked out and had a small breakfast.
D: -3 1 dumpling, 1 dim sim, 2 piece sashimi; beef stir fry, rice, pork belly stir fry & pork curry; 1 glass wine +1
Dessert: -1 scoop chocolate gelato, scoop hazelnut gelato +4

So I am a bit unsure of the hunger ratings. I feel like I'm never ravaged when I eat, but I am hungry, but I feel like I'm either hungry or not hungry, so I'm not used to the different scales yet. -1 is barely hungry, -2 is getting hungrier -3 is need to eat - 4 is pretty hungry and -5 is ravaged. But I feel like I always eat at the same and it's when I notice I'm hungry. I'm not comfortable waiting and seeing if I get hungrier yet. Before dinner I was still full from lunch but then I got hungrier waiting there, and I didn't eat so much I was stuffed and I had room for gelato. COuld have done with 1 scoop but again, I think I'm not used to it yet. I am quite proud of myself though because I haven't eaten when not at all hungry, and today I had a nap and knew i was going out to dinner and normally I'd have a snack anyway just because a few hours had past so I was 'allowed' to eat but I didn't because I wasn't hungry. And although it felt weird having the yogurt after my wrap I definately felt more satisfied afterward.

I read this article last night. I really loved it. It's good because she describes everything at the beginning that I'm going through as well - that need to get all the unhealthy food out of your system, but I'm pretty pleased with my healthy choices. I still go to bed and think about breakfast, and plan my meals ahead but it's only been 3 days - early days yet!

I have a wedding tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that. It will be interesting as it will be 3 courses and you're never hungry by the end so I might try to make sure I'm extra hungry!

Day 2 Intuitive Eating Diary 16 Oct 2014

I just went and saw If I go to Sleep with Nicole Kidman. It was amazing!

I had another good day. I'm proud of how it ended even if I did go a bit over.

I had breakfast at about a -2.5 of 2 gluten free weetbix, home made muesli, almond milk and a small banana which took me to a +3
Snack at -3 was a flat white which actually made me hungrier!
Lunch was only 1 hour after that so I held out it was a -3 for vegan chilli with kale salad, guacamole, cashew cheese and a gluten free corn tortilla, followed by a raw snickers and a cup of tea took me to a +3
Snack at -2 was a cherry chobani +2 satiety
Dog walk for an hour
Then dinner was sushi, we had about 8 plates between us and I had one sushi off each plate, then 2 scoops of gelato in a cone!

I was pleased because although I was very satisfied from the sushi I did stop myself early knowing I could have gelato. I'm not good at having just one flavour, I'm sure as I get used to it I will be able to, and I must remember to always just choose hazelnut as it's my favourite, that or chocolate. I do love waffle cones too!

I'm very proud of myself though because I didn't have anything other than the yogurt and usually I'd nibble when I got home. Even though I didn't go to the gym I did go for a big walk and that's something I've been noticing the past 2 days - if I'm not hungry enough to eat then it's good to make myself busy to distract myself, and it really works. It was lovely having a full cream coffee this morning too - it really is delicious.

All in all I feel very good because this time round I know that even though I'm eating things i wouldn't normally I am not eating when I'm not hungry and that's a REALLY bad habit, and i'm consciously thinking about what I'm feeling like if I know I want to have something like ice cream later. Only 19 days until this is a habit :)

Day 1 Intuitive Eating

I'm going to diarise my progress with this because I really need to do it. Watched this video last night & something that hit home was when she said "you will probably lose weight doing this if you are eating when you're not hungry too often" and that's me! I'm not going to weigh myself, focus on what my body looks like or do anything but try to accept my body and love it for what it is.

Then I read this Article from intuitiveeating.org about emotional eating, and the client in the case study really didn't admit he had a problem with emotional eating, but then the counsellor noted the fact that if he's eating past satiety then clearly he has a problem with emotional eating because why else would he do it? And I really realised this too. Another thing it helped me realise was that, like the client, I am concerned about giving up my attachment to food because it has really helped me through a few things. But, to be honest, I'm not giving up food entirely - just taking back the control. And in reality, I'm going to enjoy my favourite foods MORE because there'll be no guilt.

I'm a little concerned, at this point, about putting on weight before my wedding - because I always go a bit mad when I start 'intuitive eating', eating all sorts of things, but this time I'm going to let myself explore 'forbidden' foods, but I'm still only going to eat when I'm hungry. The question I will ask myself is 'Do I want this now, or later?' to remind myself it's still an option later when I'm actually hungry and 'Will I feel good if I eat this now?' because I get worried all I'll want is glutenous sugarey carbs and they make me feel so awful, so being aware of how they make me feel will help.

Today I ate:

5am: -3 Hunger Chobani, honey & muesli +4 Satiety
7am: 0 Hunger Long Black
8.30am: -2 Hunger LF Soy hot choc with 2 marshmallows +3 Satiety
10.30am: -3 Hunger Wholemeal cheese, avo, chobani & chilli con carne toastie; Banana bread piece +4 Satiety
5pm: -4 Hunger Pumpkin ravioli with tomato pasta sauce, parmesan & baby spinach; Magnum Ego Satiety +4
6.30pm: Tea

Wow. I can't believe I actually didn't eat between lunch and dinner. Like that's really amazing. And although I did eat lots of sugarey, carb dense foods, I know at the moment that's me really wanting to get them out of my system, and I know I'll get bored of that. All in all, I'm so proud of myself. I ate when hungry, stopped when satisfied enough and forgot about eating in between! I never forget about eating. It was because I was hungry and told myself I could have pasta and a magnum for dinner but wanted to be hungry for the magnum so decided to eat dinner early enough so the magnum could come later and I wouldn't need a snack in between.

I'm really excited now.

For exercise I cleaned the house including mopping and vacuuming, putting washing away and also did 3 laps of the park.

NOTE TO SELF: WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY

I know these days come and go. They come; but they also go. So here is a few points to remember:
1. This too shall pass. Repeat it like a mantra while breathing deeply.
2. You have things you love in your life: your fiancee, the dogs, your big beautiful family, the best friends in the world, an AMAZING business with supportive people, legs, arms, a body, a home, a brain, ambition, values, freedom... Write yourself a grateful list.
3. Be gentle. Why do you need to do it all today? Can it wait? What can wait? Write a TO DO list (or knowing me you already have), now highlight things that ABSOLUTELY MUST be done today (dog walking etc.). Do those things, TICK THEM OFF and reward yourself for doing them by having a very gentle, relaxing day.
4. How to have a nice day:

1. Put the kettle on
2. Get a novel, a fiction novel that's engrossing
3. Sit on the couch (with a blanket if it's cold), make yourself a big cup of tea or a hot chocolate with honey, hot water and almond milk.
4. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself everything is perfect right now at this very moment. Repeat this mantra Everything is okay, right now, in this moment continually until you're feeling better
5. Sit on the couch, drinking tea and reading your book for as long as you need. Take the rest of the day off! You've done enough

YOU ARE ENOUGH! 

It's been a while..

So really I'm at this impasse (maybe that's not a real word) and I am not having a good day. I've realised by now that these bad days come, but then they also go. So I really just have to ride it out. Some days, I guess, things are just a lot harder. I definately think one of the problems I have is that I set myself too many goals. There is not one area in my life that I am 'maintaining'. I am doing uni, which is constantly striving for good marks and achievement'; my business is still not making enough time to warrant 'maintaining' so that's something I'm striving to improve (although, honestly, it takes me about 2 hours a week of work so who's complaining?); I am getting married in 3 months so I feel I really need to get a few things straight in my relationship AND I will just be devastated if I have fat arms and back fat on my wedding day. Since I don't know how to maintain my weight and I certainly don't want to gain (plus I have a few kgs to lose) I really need to just stick to something once and for all and DO IT. But as you can see, everything in my life is a constant need to be better, stronger, lighter, smaller, smarter, richer.. in no part of my life am I just going 'you know what, here I am, this is me, everything is fine' but then I don't even know if I'd be okay with that.

For a second let's just imagine I have already achieved everything I want:

1. I've finished my degree
2. My business is raking in the cash and I'm at the top
3. I'm finally at my 'goal' weight
4. My relationship is just perfect

What do I do? How do I spend my day? I'll tell you how - doing another degree, striving for more within my business, maintaining that body and maintaining that relationship. I don't think maintenance of something and aiming to get it are all that different - really I think to get somewhere you do what you'd be doing if you were already there. If I had a great body it would be because I walk every day, go to the gym, and nourish my body with healthy food. If I had finished my degree with Honours I'd be working in the field - constantly challenging myself; If I'd reached top status in my business I'd have a huge team below me and I'd be maintaining that status - which means I'd be doing everything I need to do now to get there. I guess the thing is, if you're not happy with things in the now, then you need to make them better, but with that comes consequences and payoffs. You will need to study, work harder, have less recreation time, eat less food, say 'no' to naughty food more often, go to the gym daily, walk every day, and socialise in ways that don't involve alcohol. If you're happy doing all those things, then you have to be happy dealing with the consequences - low mood, no energy, not enough money, don't fit in clothes, spend weekends hung over, working in a job you hate. I guess you just need to choose which consequence you want?

What CAN I do?

I am officially having the world's worst week. And for no reason. I just am. I hate everyone, I haven't stopped crying for 3 days, it's an effort to get me out of bed. My mum was being supportive but something changed and she's decided that actually my life is perfect, what do I have to be upset about? The worst thing is that I actually DON'T KNOW why I'm so upset. It usually ends up with me crying about my dad, I miss him and he's the only one that will understand me but that's been 4 years, surely I'm not upset about that. I think the problem is that I work for my partner and wake up at 4.30am. I find it really hard to nap during the day and I've been having trouble sleeping so I am just exhausted all day at work. Work is also really quiet so I've been BINGEING which I just don't want to even think about. I tried to tell my fiancee that I don't want to work for him any more but he tells me that it's just me changing my mind again and I'm always changing my mind about things and I need to commit to something. See, he was brought up to think that you just do as your told and don't try to change anything unless you're happy. I grew up thinking that you don't stop changing things until you're happy. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe i can't find happiness in anything else? I DO know that I don't have enough time in my day to work for him, run my own part time business, do some marketing work for my brother AND study PSYCHOLOGY. I just don't. And I feel like I can't do any of them properly because I'm so tired. But because in the past I've made so many changes to my jobs and my uni degree I now have to just stick everything out just to please everyone else. Plus I'm pissed off because I can't talk to my fiancee about things that upset me and he doesn't listen and he is so unsupportive and unsympathetic I can't even deal with it. So my relationship is REALLY not what I'd expect of 2 people who are about to get married and even thinking about that makes me so upset.

Anyway, I just got this bull crap email from my mum that makes me wish I really did cut her out of my life all those years ago. But I'm just saying that because she's  the closest thing I have to a best friend and the ONLY person who I speak to about everything so I should just deal with it. She's also the only parent I have and I should know from dad dying that you really really really miss everything about them when they're gone.

Anyway, since it seems noone is on my side and I don't have any other options other than jumping of a cliff to end this the only other thing is to focus on what I can do. Here are the options:
1. Leave fiancee. Go live with my mum and she can support me while I finish uni. Positive is that I'm financially supported. Negative is that I actually really love him we just have some fundamental problems. Negative is also that I have to live at home again and I'm sure that will ruin my life more.
2. Stop working at his shop. Positive is that there's no more early mornings. Negative is that I don't have a real, steady income every week. Positive is that I can focus on my business so that I do have a steady income and could also do a few pT sessions to boost my income.
3. Keep working in the shop. Get sleeping tablets so that I'm asleep by 7.30 every night. Positive is that I have a steady income. Negative is that I can't run my part time business when I'm going to bed at 7.30 every night. Positive is that I'll have more energy.
4. Stop my part time business. Negative is that I love it, it's easy, I can see it taking me places, I have a team, and I really don't wan tot do that. Positive is that I have no more pressure and I can focus on my uni work. Negative is that I've pumped so much money into it and it's only just starting to go. Positive is that I can have a steady income. Negative is that I will be so disappointed in myself and i love doing it so wonder how my mental health will fare.
5. Drop a subject at uni. Positive is that I have more time. Negative is that it will take me 5000 years to finish my degree and it means EVEN longer working for the bakery and I don't want that.

I don't feel any clearer on the subject. I will wait to see what my commission check was this month. I find out in 3 days. Once I get that I will be able to make a good decision about what to do.

For the mean time I need to:
1. Eat well
2. Drink more water
3. Exercise daily - 1h walk every day FOR MENTAL HEALTH
4. Time manage better - I will do a time management chart right now for the next week.
5. Meditate 15 minutes every night before bed.