An epidemic of beauty sickness: Renee Engeln at TEDxUConn 2013

Eating Disorders from the Inside Out: Laura Hill at TEDxColumbus.

Food?

What do I want from food?

• Flavour
• Excitement
• I identify with food
• Weight loss
• Health
• Energy

At the end of the day I want food to make me happy. I want to feel happy while I’m eating and I want to feel happy after I’ve eaten and I want to feel happy in other areas of my life and I feel I can’t when I’m carrying extra weight.

My biggest problem is planning ahead for all my meals (essentially for the rest of my life by becoming ‘vegan’ ‘801010’ ‘sugar free’ etc. and identifying with an ideology). At the end of the day all diets and ways of eating are ideologies because we have so much CHOICE that we get to identify with IDEAS ABOUT FOOD. What I need to do is 

1. Stop planning what I’ll eat next meal, tomorrow, next week
2. Eat every meal exactly AS I FEEL. If I feel like chocolate I will eat chocolate. If I feel like pineapple juice I will have that. I need to listen to my body. 
3. Stop cutting things out. When i cut out fat I crave it so I cut out sugar and then crave it! 

I found the above notes on my computer. Pretty astute. If only I could pay attention!! 

Why it's so hard to quit dieting

I'm assuming that anyone who reads this (if anyone ever does) probably has an eating disorder or can sympathise. But just in case I'm going to explain why it's so hard to quit dieting and something I've realised lately.

It's so hard to quit because it's so hard to avoid triggering images. Whether it's photos of a leaner self, photos of a friend who's lost weight, photos in an advertisement or someone on TV it's very hard to look at these people and realise that you'll never look like that. Part of why I'm feeling so down lately is realising that I've failed at the one goal I've had for the last 10 years - to be thin. What's important though, is that I'm leaving it now. It's been 10 years. It's been too long.

Something I realised while watching a YouTube video of Shaye Boddington is that saying goodbye to dieting DOES NOT have to mean that you will never lose weight, or that you'll remain at the weight you are. It's very easy to think that you'll put on weight once you start eating more food or once you stop restricting. I'm not sure what's going to happen to be honest, but I do know that if I keep dieting I will put on more and more weight and be more and more unhappy.

So after a pretty miserable day here are some things I'm going to do to try to help myself during this hard time:
1. Get off social media - I've tried to unfollow all the fitness pages I follow but it just shows up time and time again and it is very triggering
2. Exercise every day. I didn't yesterday and I nearly didn't today but I NEVER regret a walk, it's good to clear the head, release the endorphins, realise that I am very lucky to have a beautiful place to walk free with fresh air and it's so fun for my little dogs. So I'm going to consider it my antidepressant and something I need to do every day.
3. I want to write 'talk to my fiancee about all of this' but I keep hesitating. It's REALLY hard to talk about an eating disorder with someone who's never had one. Just as hard to talk to someone who does (my best friend has anorexia and I always think that Bulimia is like the fat girl's answer to anorexia, she went to hospital and exercises all the time and often doesn't eat and I feel like my eating problems are nothing in comparison, which is ridiculous but that's just the way it is). Anyway, I need to talk to him about this and what it all means. But what does it mean? Today I called the dietician to make an appointment and for some reason her notes said I have Type 2 diabetes and I said no actually I had bulimia and I never really figured out how to eat healthily I'm either dieting or bingeing and she said 'okay so you're in recovery?' and I awkwardly laughed because I guess I am. It just sounds so formal. I am certainly not recovered, but I'm really not that sick so it's a strange place to be. Anyway, I guess I do need to explain that this is going to bring up lots of emotions and problems for me and be really difficult so I'll need his support.
4. Give myself time to clean the house and do chores. I feel really shit when I haven't done chores for a while but they always come last.
5. Let myself get a Pass for uni. A Pass is okay. I want an HD but honestly, recovering from all this crap and getting an HD and having my fiancee start his new shop is all a bit much, so a Pass will have to do.
6. Do something fun every day. I'm going to have to figure out what to do with this one because I don't have much time or money, but I really need to work on this.

What am I doing and why am I doing it?

I've decided to see a dietitian. I waste so much money on diet books and programs the money would be better spent seeing a professional who can help me deal with my problems.

Anyway, this is not completely diet/food related, but it's life related and I don't believe life is made up of many different, separate parts, but instead each part is a part of a whole so it all counts towards the same thing.

So, today and yesterday have been really unmotivated. I can't help asking myself lately

What am I doing and why am I doing it?

This all started because my fiancee was really rude to me this morning at work (we work together) and later he apologised and said he's tired and stressed (he's expanding his business and it's hard work). I asked him if it was worth it, and should we just throw in the towel and give up on all of this, when it's all just for money. He didn't really reply and later my mum told me I shouldn't ask him to give up his dreams for mine.

So what are my dreams?

My ultimate dream:

Live in the country or by the beach, in a small house with my children and my husband, neither of us working but just growing vegetables, living a simple life.

That is my dream. Pretty simple. Is it attainable?

Last year one of my favourite people packed up and moved to India to be with her yoga instructor who she'd fallen in love with during a yoga course over the Summer. I was so envious. My mum says it's different because she has no parents so she could leave easily. I feel like a piece of bubble gum stretched so far. I'm not happy. I'm just not. But would moving overseas really make me happy? My fiancee would never leave. But then why stay somewhere for someone else to fulfil their dreams? Because i'm scared. I love him. I don't want to leave him. I couldn't leave him. I can't imagine life without him. But just having him is not enough and really that's the problem. Is life always going to be like this? Will I always feel like something is missing? Should I just get a real job and forget about uni? What's the point in making sacrifices if it's not for your own goals? How do you go for your own goals when you're in a relationship? I guess you just do what you want and hope your partner comes along for the ride.

Struggling today

Fuck. I feel like every time I really try to battle all this diet crap I get really depressed. I know it's good for me. I know I need to do this and I know that the fact it really messes with my head means that it's NEEDED but it's just really hard. It's just so much easier to travel along in life pretending like everything is okay.

So I haven't done any study. I have a sore back and I just wasn't in the mood for study. I feel like I've been eating too much bread and stuff like that. I had a gozleme for lunch which was delicious and then 3 pieces of toast. i guess I just need to get all these wheat products out of the restricted pile. It's frustrating. I'm lucky it's winter because I'm not focusing on my body. It's really easy atm to just say stuff it I don't care what my legs look like! But I know come summer and bikinis and shorts it won't be so easy.

There's a saying "being overweight is hard. Losing weight is hard. Choose your hard." I guess that's how it is right? Difference is, after all my restricting I can't lose weight, not just because my metabolism is stuffed but because my mind is. I can't commit to it for long enough. I can't restrict myself and I guess that's a good thing.

 I didn't go for my walk today. I should have. It's like my antidepressant. i'm just feeling so "ground hog day" these days. Especially because I don't get weekends, every day is the same. What a bore. I'm bored. I'm so bored with life. I'm so over having a messy house, eating foods that make me feel crap, having a messy study, having to study at all, having to put washing away, having to do washing, having a boring life. This is my life: wake up at 4.30am. Eat breakfast. Work. Drive home. Eat lunch. Study. Walk dogs. Make Dinner. Eat. Go to bed. Then repeat. 7 days a week. No, that's a lie. I have uni 1 day which I love and Saturdays are my day off. But I still have to study and I have no money so I can't see friends.

Resisting 801010

Jeez. So I got totally sucked in again. I watched all these YouTube videos and everyone's so happy and loves their fruit and I love fruit too! So I figured I should just have fruit for breakfast. So I did that a couple of days then I thought today was a good day to go fully raw. So I had 2L of fresh orange juice for breakfast and resisted a coffee at work, and I told myself I'd just see how I feel. Well, I started falling asleep driving after my OJ and I was STARVING after work which was only 1 hour since I finished the juice. Both of which indicate to me a low blood sugar. Anyway, I was driving home and realised I was being silly. This was just another diet. This would not be any easier this time. This would not lead to eternal happiness and a feeling of belonging. So I bought a medium coffee on the way home and had exactly what I wanted for lunch - a toasted sandwich and some scrambled eggs followed by a chai tea.

I really need to remember that health isn't just about what you put in your body. It's also your relationship with food, and I have a great relationship with food if I'm not restricting. I don't go overboard, and I mostly want healthier foods. So I need to remember this. 

I think I need to cancel Instagram and stay off Youtube for a while, it's the only way.

On the way home I listened to this radio interview of a pro skateboarder who became a drug addict, and he said he's clean and much happier now but it's still a struggle sometimes and he needs to know his triggers and to avoid them. Well, it's the same with me. Watching YouTube videos of skinny people wearing no clothes advocating a VERY restrictive DIET is a major trigger, what am I thinking? I get so upset with my friend who has anorexia for over exercising but who am I to judge when I do things like this? 

So, I think it's now 2 weeks into my no diets plan.. we'll see how i go for the next 10 weeks!

No diets for 3 months.

So I deleted my Youtube videos. I just couldn't do it. Too embarrassing. Maybe once I've been doing this a bit longer.

Anyway, I have been sucked in to watching lots of 801010 raw vegans on youtube and I just keep thinking 'Oh, I didn't give 801010 a proper go. They're all so happy!! I should try it again, just commit for 3 months straight and see how I feel' but then I realised I should COMMIT TO THIS for 3 months first! It's hard right now because I feel like I'm putting on weight and eating unhealthy food (breakfast was a mixture of strawberry kefir with vanilla greek yogurt, gluten free muesli and a banana; lunch a wholegrain wrap with avo, cheese and ham, snack watermelon & pineapple and a few squares of dark chocolate and dinner will be roast lamb & veg so actually I'm eating HEALTHY). Anyway, I know that this will only work if I give it enough of a go.
I remember last time I tried 801010 and I said to myself, if it doesn't work out I can always just go back to eating according to my intuition and I'll feel okay again but I never give intuitive eating enough of a try for it to calm down. I always have to go through the period of referring where I eat all the foods I've restricted. To be fair to myself, I haven't binged in SUCH A LONG TIME I can't even remember, so that's really a start.

So my deal with myself is that I'm going to give intuitive eating a go for 3 months. I watch these 801010 videos and think, oh but those smoothies look so yum. With intuitive eating I can eat those smoothies! It just means I'm not committing to something with rules that I have to do for the rest of my life. And it's cold and winter and all I want to eat is warm food. In my head I think, I could have a watermelon for breakfast, and yes it's delicious and sweet but sometimes I want other things and it's not as fun after a while when you have no other options. So yes, I am certain this is the thing to do - 12 weeks of NO DIETS. No restricting, no rules, just eating according to my appetite. I think it will do me a world of good. Already I'm not wanting as much bread and processed carbs. Last night I felt really full and gluggy and I don't like feeling that way, so I've made other choices today like fruit for snack and it really helps. I know the challenge will be AVOIDING the 801010 videos because everyone on the lifestyle just seems so happy.
There's a you tuber called Raw Nourishment and she said she started 801010 because she had acne and she watched the videos and she loved the outlook on life raw foodists have, and i realised that's one of the reasons I like it too. So I've decided I'm going to have that outlook anyway.

I remember a couple of times after I've been restricting and I go out to dinner and decide to have something that breaks the rules and momentarily it makes me so happy. I feel free and relaxed as though there's no pressure to look a certain way, pressure from myself anyway, and it feels great. So I know i've just got to keep this going, like with ANY DIET it's the consistency that makes a difference. So off i go. I'm going to count it from the first post I made on here, so I think it's been a week!