Why it's so hard to quit dieting

I'm assuming that anyone who reads this (if anyone ever does) probably has an eating disorder or can sympathise. But just in case I'm going to explain why it's so hard to quit dieting and something I've realised lately.

It's so hard to quit because it's so hard to avoid triggering images. Whether it's photos of a leaner self, photos of a friend who's lost weight, photos in an advertisement or someone on TV it's very hard to look at these people and realise that you'll never look like that. Part of why I'm feeling so down lately is realising that I've failed at the one goal I've had for the last 10 years - to be thin. What's important though, is that I'm leaving it now. It's been 10 years. It's been too long.

Something I realised while watching a YouTube video of Shaye Boddington is that saying goodbye to dieting DOES NOT have to mean that you will never lose weight, or that you'll remain at the weight you are. It's very easy to think that you'll put on weight once you start eating more food or once you stop restricting. I'm not sure what's going to happen to be honest, but I do know that if I keep dieting I will put on more and more weight and be more and more unhappy.

So after a pretty miserable day here are some things I'm going to do to try to help myself during this hard time:
1. Get off social media - I've tried to unfollow all the fitness pages I follow but it just shows up time and time again and it is very triggering
2. Exercise every day. I didn't yesterday and I nearly didn't today but I NEVER regret a walk, it's good to clear the head, release the endorphins, realise that I am very lucky to have a beautiful place to walk free with fresh air and it's so fun for my little dogs. So I'm going to consider it my antidepressant and something I need to do every day.
3. I want to write 'talk to my fiancee about all of this' but I keep hesitating. It's REALLY hard to talk about an eating disorder with someone who's never had one. Just as hard to talk to someone who does (my best friend has anorexia and I always think that Bulimia is like the fat girl's answer to anorexia, she went to hospital and exercises all the time and often doesn't eat and I feel like my eating problems are nothing in comparison, which is ridiculous but that's just the way it is). Anyway, I need to talk to him about this and what it all means. But what does it mean? Today I called the dietician to make an appointment and for some reason her notes said I have Type 2 diabetes and I said no actually I had bulimia and I never really figured out how to eat healthily I'm either dieting or bingeing and she said 'okay so you're in recovery?' and I awkwardly laughed because I guess I am. It just sounds so formal. I am certainly not recovered, but I'm really not that sick so it's a strange place to be. Anyway, I guess I do need to explain that this is going to bring up lots of emotions and problems for me and be really difficult so I'll need his support.
4. Give myself time to clean the house and do chores. I feel really shit when I haven't done chores for a while but they always come last.
5. Let myself get a Pass for uni. A Pass is okay. I want an HD but honestly, recovering from all this crap and getting an HD and having my fiancee start his new shop is all a bit much, so a Pass will have to do.
6. Do something fun every day. I'm going to have to figure out what to do with this one because I don't have much time or money, but I really need to work on this.