Only once a month counselling - recovered?

So I had a session on Tuesday, and decided I no longer have to log my food AND I'll see her again in a month, not a fortnight, which is just MASSIVE progress.

I feel so much better about things - my weight was down 300g but still 67.1 which is SO HIGH for me.. but you know what? I just don't care. When you stop focusing on it, stop expecting it to drop and stop looking in the mirror a hundred times a day and replace all those things with other fulfilling things like relationship cultivating, spending time with loved ones and enjoying your life, it doesn't matter so much.

We spent the session really just talking about what I've learned, how far I've come and basically what this journey has taught me:
- eating diet foods leaves you feeling empty
- the pursuit of leanness is NOT the pursuit of happiness, and if you don't work on HOW to love yourself NOW then you'll never love yourself
- there's so much more to live than counting and measuring food in the hope it will change your body
- you (or I could anyway) could eat SO MUCH MORE than I was, of all the foods I loved, and in the end,over nearly 4 months I gained 1.5kg!!!!
- for me, dieting covered up an inner unhappiness and anxiety that once uncovered really reared it's head in full force. Sitting through that and dealing with it (and when I say 'dealing' I literally mean just letting it be without trying to medicate with things like dieting) really taught me that these things aren't to be feared and they'll go away.
- I experienced, really, the lowest of lows in this journey. I felt a way I can't remember EVER feeling, not even when my dad died - because then I knew there was hope and ONE DAY I'd feel better, it was a grief caused by an external event.. this was different, this was a grief that was so deep inside of me, stuck to me like the strongest adhesive, and seeping out like black muck. But I faced it head on, I cried, I didn't go to work, I felt depressed, I felt anxious, I felt like everything was awful and there was no hope.. and once I felt all of that i increasingly got better, to the point where I'm at now where I feel like I have good days and bad days but none of that depends on my weight or what I eat, and none of it will be made better by an improvement in those factors either.
- I am able to enjoy ANYTHING I want.. and strangely, most of the time, I'm happy with something healthy. I have no rules and try to rebel against those deep seated ones (like bread only once per day).. but the other day I ate pizza and only had 3 pieces, which is really unlike me because I'm so black and white usually I'd eat the whole thing.
- I am learning to not be so black and white in general.. and it's funny because whilst trying to live in the gray it means naturally I don't go so black.. like the pizza, but also like wine - I have been having a glass with dinner a couple of times a week, and last night we went out for drinks with friends and had to leave early and I'd only had 2 glasses, I felt like I'd had enough, rather than going out and either having none and feeling tense the whole time, or having 8 and then kicking and screaming when we were going home.
- i am much more relaxed with exercise. I'm back at uni so very busy so do a HIIT session in the morning and then walk from the station to work (20 mins) and back to the station, and take the dogs for a little walk and that's enough for me.
- I am able to get into other things I enjoy and have time for them
- I got off social media and love it, and it's made a huge difference to my perception of self.
- I'm just generally happier
- My body will tell me whta i need and want, if only I learn to listen. 

I still struggle with thinking 'maybe I should do that diet' because I feel like a diet will make me learn how to eat, but I don't think that's wise. I think my own body tells me what I want. Like I thought of doing the CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet, surely that's a healthy approach to food with all food groups? But I don't want to eat low fat. I love full fat dairy. And sometimes I won't feel like what's on the meal plan and what then? THen I'd eat pizza, even if what i really felt like was some pork instead of the chicken they recommended and it's all ridiculous. I'm the best guru when it comes to me!

 I woke up this morning and read this http://kellybroganmd.com/yoga-eating-lose-dogma-find/

and wanted to share this...

hmm...

It's very easy to sit back and tout how we've got to stand up for 'normal' bodies and stop focusing on weight loss. But then I look in the mirror and I just WISH I looked as fit as I felt. Why isn't there some happy in between land? I am running 2-3 times per week, working out 3-4 times per week and I thought being reasonably healthy (within limits). But I weigh the most I've ever weighed. And I look fat. I do. My legs have lost their shape. How can I find an in between? I know it's not the be all and end all, and I'm grateful for a body that works and functions but can't I have some happy medium? I guess that's what I'm learning. Genetically women in my family have big thighs, it's just a fact. I've also been drinking wine during the week so I could slow down on that, and I have dessert almost every night, so perhaps I can swap that for a tea most nights and just have a dessert some times? I also think maybe I have too much fat, so I could slow down on the fat. Maybe I need to see a dietitian..

Imagine..

I was walking along and thinking about the number of times I look in the mirror a day. Imagine if instead of assessing myself based on my appearance 30+ times a day, I checked in with myself on what I'd done to make someone else smile, what had made me laugh, what I had done to make someone's day better, how I'd made the world a better place. When was the last time I actually checked in on that? When was the last time I'd woken up and thought 'I'm going to make someone's day brighter today'? Because almost every day since I can remember I've woken up and thought 'today I'm going to eat perfectly, go to the gym, go for a walk, and make sure I don't do anything that could affect the way I look'. Like what the f.

So I was looking through instagram, and starting to think 'maybe I'm ready for my fitness account again. Maybe I'm ready to go back and start following these pages I used to follow' but then I looked at one of them and I just thought how bloody sad it is. A girl is in a bikini in front of a bathtub. All the comments were "goals" "dream body" "argh why don't I look like this" is it seriously motivating? No. You can see from the comments it makes all the girls feel shit that they will never look like that, especially not wearing a prada bikini with $600 sunglasses on in a hotel that costs $700 a night. And to be honest, will those things make us happy? No. Yes these people work hard. But they work in gyms! These two girls own their own cafe. One of them is married to the number one expert in strength in Australia. Am I saying it's easier for them? No. They work out - hard. One of them is fucking strong and that takes dedication and hard work. But I'm just saying comparing ourselves to them and thinking 'I wish I had their lives' is demoralising and fruitless. And to top it all off, the photo in the hotel she took.. the same setting is peppered throughout their instagram feed, and she said they were staying there for there 7 year wedding anniversary. Have we really become so narcissistic that we would spend an incredibly meaningful, special time in our relationship taking photos of ourselves? Time away from instagram has helped me see how ridiculously self-obsessive and psycho it is. Do I want to get back on? No. not if that is what it's all about.

What makes me happy? Laughing. Playing with my dogs. Hugging my dogs. Running through the bush. Watching a movie with James. Drinking tea in bed. Spending time with my family. Drinking wine with girlfriends and eating cheese. Being silly. Snowboarding. Going to the gym. Laughing with Phoebe & the Goodwin's. Hugging James. Meditating. Swimming. Going to the beach. Running along Anna bay beach. Eating yogurberry. Eating gelato. Eating delicious food. Sleeping in. Seeing friends. Hanging out with my mum. Laughing. Laughing more. Those things make me happy. Not wearing particular clothes, not fitting into a size 8, not seeing my abs.. those things don't deeply make me happy, because it makes me anxious that I'm not good enough, that I'm going to lose it all soon and that I need to give up the things I love to get it.

FAT FEELINGS..

Today I went to the gym and while I was pulling up my tights in the mirror I caught sight of my fat, flabby tummy. I walked out into the gym floor and saw my thick, shapeless legs. How sad that my beautifully sculpted body had gone, as I had suspected it had. Back I was to the shapeless, short, thick body I had for so long tried to get rid of. It is here to stay or so it would seem.

My whole set of squats was ruined, and each time I squatted down I could see my fat squishing over my hips. I couldn't talk. I could hardly even finish my second set without crying. Literally. I was devastated and so upset. What can I do? I can't diet. How else does one lose weight? I doubt Juliet would even be okay with me losing weight as I'm at a 'healthy' weight.

Halfway through the sets as I jammed the weight onto the end of the barbell I thought to myself "you're choosing to let this ruin your workout. You're here. You're working out. You're doing your best." Then I reminded myself "you have God within you. Your strength comes from the eternal, divine energy that you share with all sentient beings and all life, your body is a vessel, it's a body, it's not your soul, your soul radiates from within" and just like that I felt better.

I'm glad I managed to feel that energy within and realise it's not the outer. I have a long way to go, and yes, I can stop drinking so much wine, exercise more regularly, and eat healthier foods. I don't need to deprive myself of anything. I can be healthier and lose the excess weight, slowly. And that's what I'll do. Slow and steady, no restrictions, no measuring, no deprivation.

Session with Juliet - 5 Jan 2016

I had another session with Juliet yesterday. I'd gained 900g, which put me at 66.1 which is the highest I've been in a long time. That said, I weigh with her in the afternoon fully clothed, and I've only ever weighed myself first thing in the morning butt naked.. so I'm probably still under my heaviest weight. I knew I'd gained weight, because I ate so indulgently in Melbourne, but I guess 450g per week over Christmas while on holidays isn't bad at all - probably helped that I had food poisoning half the time there!

She was very impressed with me though, no binges or purges, no restricting, and confronted a few of my rules (such as no leftover pizza the next day). I really like her attitude towards things - she still focuses on health, or realises that it's important and being overweight or eating unhealthy foods all the time are never okay. She also said when I have a baby and put on weight she will be there to support me to lose it again, she said there is healthy ways and I can do it with support, so that's really reassuring.

Overall I feel pretty good about things. I wasn't eating like I'd usually eat because i was away, and I wasn't exercising as much as I'd like, so with the gym back in force and regular eating back in I'm sure my weight will stabilise.

I have been feeling reluctant towards structured eating again, because it feels like so much food, but she got me to look at that and it's not really so much food, and I'm not eating all the time - 3 hours between eating is pretty good, and I'm usually not full because my meals are smaller when I'm eating structured. Plus, I tend to eat bigger meals if it's not structured because I tell myself I'll just not eat afternoon tea, for example, so then I end up eating more, so on an energy level it's probably less, even though it's more frequent.

She also asked me if I think I still need to record my meals. I said yes because I feel flaky at the moment, and it keeps me accountable. Not so much to see patterns or that I'm eating the right things, but more so that I don't start restricting and convince myself I'm not actually restricting.

January 1 2016!

How refreshing is January 1? It has so much hope, a sparkle and a freshness that I hope I can carry on for every new day.

I have a few random thoughts I wish to share..

I was reading aloud The Alchemist to James and playing with the excess fat on my hips, as I tend to, unconsciously. I started instead to rub my hand lightly over my thigh, and noticed how soft and smooth my skin is there. As I continued I realised that all this time I have been so concerned with how flabby I am there, that I have not noticed how smooth and soft the skin is. The more I continue this journey, the more I see this is the case. While I have been concerned with all of my 'faults', I have not noticed all of my 'perfections'. The way I'm starting to see it, you can choose to see your faults or you can choose to see your perfections but like it says in my book 'Overcoming Binge Eating' if you look for fat, you will find it. All that time I've focused on my fat, and failed to notice the beauty of my skin.

The other day I felt James was upset with me, and I put more makeup on and considered straightening my hair, thinking if he'd just see how pretty I look he'll change his attitude. I realised suddenly that this is not what he wants, nor is it what he is attracted to, so I went out and offered to help him with something instead, I committed an act of love, instead of thinking my looks would do the work and the more I focused on him and making him feel good the more things got better. I realised that to make someone fall in love with you, or to keep them there, you must love them and show you love them. My looks will not keep our relationship together. When I am upset with James never do I think 'oh well he's so good looking it doesn't matter' although I easily could. No. It's the things he does and the person he is that helps me to forgive him and all this time I have been leaning on my looks to fix things instead of my acts.

So we come to a new year and of course I have resolutions. But this year they're different. I'm not committing to ridiculously unbalanced health goals. I have one key theme and that is healing. My focus this year is to heal and to do this I am going to:
1. Focus more on being and less on doing
2. Aim to meditate every day
3. Continue to see Juliet and write this diary/blog and continue structured eating and continue avoiding diets.
4. Explore my creativity through writing, drawing and colouring in. Focus on creating, for the journey not for the product. 
5. Continue to explore who Acacia really is. All these years I try to figure out what I want to be and it always changes, but that's no surprise when I don't even know who I am and have lost touch with what I love.
6. Read lots of books. Fiction and non-fiction. Whatever I please.
7. Make James's life as happy and as easy as possible.. Commit an act of love every day.

I promised myself I'd write more, yet I haven't been too committed to that by the lack of posts! Anyway here I am. Mostly, on the whole, I am very content and happy where I am. I enjoyed a beautiful Christmas day with family full of turkey, ham, prawns, potato bake and salads. I devoured 2 servings of pavlova for dinner because I could. Then I ate a couple of chocolates and it didn't bother me. We woke up, went for a big run/walk and got in the car for a drive for 8 hours to Melbourne.

 I am allowing myself to indulge in the food that I love, but trying to not graze between meals. Am I happy with how my body looks? No. It is soft, I have cellulite and the beautiful lines and firm muscles I used to have are gone. BUT appearance is temporary and it means nothing. Would I have been happier on Christmas day had I been lean but counting macros - unlikely able to eat particular foods, anxious about not being able to weigh and measure my meal and probably annoyed because I would have binged.. definately self-conscious anyway because despite being lean I still never looked good enough? No. I wouldn't have. I'm happier now, because my weight and my body fat are never low enough, never good enough.. but enjoying food and moments with family and loved ones are always enough and should always be savoured.

However, despite all this I go on Instagram and see people with the bodies I want and I feel a tug inside me... I could look like that! I know what I need to do, but my thoughts don't go that far, not planning how to get there, just reacting to that tug inside me that causes me to feel envious, jealous, a longing for something I feel I'll never have..

But then I remind myself, I can have that. I can be fit and healthy if I don't get extreme. But why do I want it so bad? It took away my ability to live, that obsession with appearance. It negated all the other incredible things about myself, it covered up my creativity and caused rifts in my relationships. Is that what I really want? Looking like that won't make me happy. Perhaps when I'm truly happy I'll look like that anyway because I'm no longer medicating with food and I have a healthy relationship with the gym, but to focus on my appearance as the outcome? That's not what I want anymore.

What do I want? I want to see friends at amazing cafes and indulge in the foods I truly want. I want to feel TRULY in control of what I eat. I want to go to the gym and workout because I love it, not because I hate me. I want to have wine at dinner and dessert afterwards. I want to draw and write and colour and sing in my spare time, because my mind is not filled with 'fitspo' and 'inspo' and my eyes are not glued to social media, in the hope that if I look enough I'll starting looking 'enough'.

In four days a new year begins. 2016, for me, is a year of healing. It's a year of finding myself and learning to love myself again. It's a year of enjoying myself and 'being', not always having to be 'doing'. It's a year that will not have diets or restrictions. It's the year that I will realise I am enough. Right now. As I am. And I look forward to that.