Only once a month counselling - recovered?

So I had a session on Tuesday, and decided I no longer have to log my food AND I'll see her again in a month, not a fortnight, which is just MASSIVE progress.

I feel so much better about things - my weight was down 300g but still 67.1 which is SO HIGH for me.. but you know what? I just don't care. When you stop focusing on it, stop expecting it to drop and stop looking in the mirror a hundred times a day and replace all those things with other fulfilling things like relationship cultivating, spending time with loved ones and enjoying your life, it doesn't matter so much.

We spent the session really just talking about what I've learned, how far I've come and basically what this journey has taught me:
- eating diet foods leaves you feeling empty
- the pursuit of leanness is NOT the pursuit of happiness, and if you don't work on HOW to love yourself NOW then you'll never love yourself
- there's so much more to live than counting and measuring food in the hope it will change your body
- you (or I could anyway) could eat SO MUCH MORE than I was, of all the foods I loved, and in the end,over nearly 4 months I gained 1.5kg!!!!
- for me, dieting covered up an inner unhappiness and anxiety that once uncovered really reared it's head in full force. Sitting through that and dealing with it (and when I say 'dealing' I literally mean just letting it be without trying to medicate with things like dieting) really taught me that these things aren't to be feared and they'll go away.
- I experienced, really, the lowest of lows in this journey. I felt a way I can't remember EVER feeling, not even when my dad died - because then I knew there was hope and ONE DAY I'd feel better, it was a grief caused by an external event.. this was different, this was a grief that was so deep inside of me, stuck to me like the strongest adhesive, and seeping out like black muck. But I faced it head on, I cried, I didn't go to work, I felt depressed, I felt anxious, I felt like everything was awful and there was no hope.. and once I felt all of that i increasingly got better, to the point where I'm at now where I feel like I have good days and bad days but none of that depends on my weight or what I eat, and none of it will be made better by an improvement in those factors either.
- I am able to enjoy ANYTHING I want.. and strangely, most of the time, I'm happy with something healthy. I have no rules and try to rebel against those deep seated ones (like bread only once per day).. but the other day I ate pizza and only had 3 pieces, which is really unlike me because I'm so black and white usually I'd eat the whole thing.
- I am learning to not be so black and white in general.. and it's funny because whilst trying to live in the gray it means naturally I don't go so black.. like the pizza, but also like wine - I have been having a glass with dinner a couple of times a week, and last night we went out for drinks with friends and had to leave early and I'd only had 2 glasses, I felt like I'd had enough, rather than going out and either having none and feeling tense the whole time, or having 8 and then kicking and screaming when we were going home.
- i am much more relaxed with exercise. I'm back at uni so very busy so do a HIIT session in the morning and then walk from the station to work (20 mins) and back to the station, and take the dogs for a little walk and that's enough for me.
- I am able to get into other things I enjoy and have time for them
- I got off social media and love it, and it's made a huge difference to my perception of self.
- I'm just generally happier
- My body will tell me whta i need and want, if only I learn to listen. 

I still struggle with thinking 'maybe I should do that diet' because I feel like a diet will make me learn how to eat, but I don't think that's wise. I think my own body tells me what I want. Like I thought of doing the CSIRO Total Wellbeing Diet, surely that's a healthy approach to food with all food groups? But I don't want to eat low fat. I love full fat dairy. And sometimes I won't feel like what's on the meal plan and what then? THen I'd eat pizza, even if what i really felt like was some pork instead of the chicken they recommended and it's all ridiculous. I'm the best guru when it comes to me!

 I woke up this morning and read this http://kellybroganmd.com/yoga-eating-lose-dogma-find/

and wanted to share this...

hmm...

It's very easy to sit back and tout how we've got to stand up for 'normal' bodies and stop focusing on weight loss. But then I look in the mirror and I just WISH I looked as fit as I felt. Why isn't there some happy in between land? I am running 2-3 times per week, working out 3-4 times per week and I thought being reasonably healthy (within limits). But I weigh the most I've ever weighed. And I look fat. I do. My legs have lost their shape. How can I find an in between? I know it's not the be all and end all, and I'm grateful for a body that works and functions but can't I have some happy medium? I guess that's what I'm learning. Genetically women in my family have big thighs, it's just a fact. I've also been drinking wine during the week so I could slow down on that, and I have dessert almost every night, so perhaps I can swap that for a tea most nights and just have a dessert some times? I also think maybe I have too much fat, so I could slow down on the fat. Maybe I need to see a dietitian..

Imagine..

I was walking along and thinking about the number of times I look in the mirror a day. Imagine if instead of assessing myself based on my appearance 30+ times a day, I checked in with myself on what I'd done to make someone else smile, what had made me laugh, what I had done to make someone's day better, how I'd made the world a better place. When was the last time I actually checked in on that? When was the last time I'd woken up and thought 'I'm going to make someone's day brighter today'? Because almost every day since I can remember I've woken up and thought 'today I'm going to eat perfectly, go to the gym, go for a walk, and make sure I don't do anything that could affect the way I look'. Like what the f.

So I was looking through instagram, and starting to think 'maybe I'm ready for my fitness account again. Maybe I'm ready to go back and start following these pages I used to follow' but then I looked at one of them and I just thought how bloody sad it is. A girl is in a bikini in front of a bathtub. All the comments were "goals" "dream body" "argh why don't I look like this" is it seriously motivating? No. You can see from the comments it makes all the girls feel shit that they will never look like that, especially not wearing a prada bikini with $600 sunglasses on in a hotel that costs $700 a night. And to be honest, will those things make us happy? No. Yes these people work hard. But they work in gyms! These two girls own their own cafe. One of them is married to the number one expert in strength in Australia. Am I saying it's easier for them? No. They work out - hard. One of them is fucking strong and that takes dedication and hard work. But I'm just saying comparing ourselves to them and thinking 'I wish I had their lives' is demoralising and fruitless. And to top it all off, the photo in the hotel she took.. the same setting is peppered throughout their instagram feed, and she said they were staying there for there 7 year wedding anniversary. Have we really become so narcissistic that we would spend an incredibly meaningful, special time in our relationship taking photos of ourselves? Time away from instagram has helped me see how ridiculously self-obsessive and psycho it is. Do I want to get back on? No. not if that is what it's all about.

What makes me happy? Laughing. Playing with my dogs. Hugging my dogs. Running through the bush. Watching a movie with James. Drinking tea in bed. Spending time with my family. Drinking wine with girlfriends and eating cheese. Being silly. Snowboarding. Going to the gym. Laughing with Phoebe & the Goodwin's. Hugging James. Meditating. Swimming. Going to the beach. Running along Anna bay beach. Eating yogurberry. Eating gelato. Eating delicious food. Sleeping in. Seeing friends. Hanging out with my mum. Laughing. Laughing more. Those things make me happy. Not wearing particular clothes, not fitting into a size 8, not seeing my abs.. those things don't deeply make me happy, because it makes me anxious that I'm not good enough, that I'm going to lose it all soon and that I need to give up the things I love to get it.

FAT FEELINGS..

Today I went to the gym and while I was pulling up my tights in the mirror I caught sight of my fat, flabby tummy. I walked out into the gym floor and saw my thick, shapeless legs. How sad that my beautifully sculpted body had gone, as I had suspected it had. Back I was to the shapeless, short, thick body I had for so long tried to get rid of. It is here to stay or so it would seem.

My whole set of squats was ruined, and each time I squatted down I could see my fat squishing over my hips. I couldn't talk. I could hardly even finish my second set without crying. Literally. I was devastated and so upset. What can I do? I can't diet. How else does one lose weight? I doubt Juliet would even be okay with me losing weight as I'm at a 'healthy' weight.

Halfway through the sets as I jammed the weight onto the end of the barbell I thought to myself "you're choosing to let this ruin your workout. You're here. You're working out. You're doing your best." Then I reminded myself "you have God within you. Your strength comes from the eternal, divine energy that you share with all sentient beings and all life, your body is a vessel, it's a body, it's not your soul, your soul radiates from within" and just like that I felt better.

I'm glad I managed to feel that energy within and realise it's not the outer. I have a long way to go, and yes, I can stop drinking so much wine, exercise more regularly, and eat healthier foods. I don't need to deprive myself of anything. I can be healthier and lose the excess weight, slowly. And that's what I'll do. Slow and steady, no restrictions, no measuring, no deprivation.

Session with Juliet - 5 Jan 2016

I had another session with Juliet yesterday. I'd gained 900g, which put me at 66.1 which is the highest I've been in a long time. That said, I weigh with her in the afternoon fully clothed, and I've only ever weighed myself first thing in the morning butt naked.. so I'm probably still under my heaviest weight. I knew I'd gained weight, because I ate so indulgently in Melbourne, but I guess 450g per week over Christmas while on holidays isn't bad at all - probably helped that I had food poisoning half the time there!

She was very impressed with me though, no binges or purges, no restricting, and confronted a few of my rules (such as no leftover pizza the next day). I really like her attitude towards things - she still focuses on health, or realises that it's important and being overweight or eating unhealthy foods all the time are never okay. She also said when I have a baby and put on weight she will be there to support me to lose it again, she said there is healthy ways and I can do it with support, so that's really reassuring.

Overall I feel pretty good about things. I wasn't eating like I'd usually eat because i was away, and I wasn't exercising as much as I'd like, so with the gym back in force and regular eating back in I'm sure my weight will stabilise.

I have been feeling reluctant towards structured eating again, because it feels like so much food, but she got me to look at that and it's not really so much food, and I'm not eating all the time - 3 hours between eating is pretty good, and I'm usually not full because my meals are smaller when I'm eating structured. Plus, I tend to eat bigger meals if it's not structured because I tell myself I'll just not eat afternoon tea, for example, so then I end up eating more, so on an energy level it's probably less, even though it's more frequent.

She also asked me if I think I still need to record my meals. I said yes because I feel flaky at the moment, and it keeps me accountable. Not so much to see patterns or that I'm eating the right things, but more so that I don't start restricting and convince myself I'm not actually restricting.

January 1 2016!

How refreshing is January 1? It has so much hope, a sparkle and a freshness that I hope I can carry on for every new day.

I have a few random thoughts I wish to share..

I was reading aloud The Alchemist to James and playing with the excess fat on my hips, as I tend to, unconsciously. I started instead to rub my hand lightly over my thigh, and noticed how soft and smooth my skin is there. As I continued I realised that all this time I have been so concerned with how flabby I am there, that I have not noticed how smooth and soft the skin is. The more I continue this journey, the more I see this is the case. While I have been concerned with all of my 'faults', I have not noticed all of my 'perfections'. The way I'm starting to see it, you can choose to see your faults or you can choose to see your perfections but like it says in my book 'Overcoming Binge Eating' if you look for fat, you will find it. All that time I've focused on my fat, and failed to notice the beauty of my skin.

The other day I felt James was upset with me, and I put more makeup on and considered straightening my hair, thinking if he'd just see how pretty I look he'll change his attitude. I realised suddenly that this is not what he wants, nor is it what he is attracted to, so I went out and offered to help him with something instead, I committed an act of love, instead of thinking my looks would do the work and the more I focused on him and making him feel good the more things got better. I realised that to make someone fall in love with you, or to keep them there, you must love them and show you love them. My looks will not keep our relationship together. When I am upset with James never do I think 'oh well he's so good looking it doesn't matter' although I easily could. No. It's the things he does and the person he is that helps me to forgive him and all this time I have been leaning on my looks to fix things instead of my acts.

So we come to a new year and of course I have resolutions. But this year they're different. I'm not committing to ridiculously unbalanced health goals. I have one key theme and that is healing. My focus this year is to heal and to do this I am going to:
1. Focus more on being and less on doing
2. Aim to meditate every day
3. Continue to see Juliet and write this diary/blog and continue structured eating and continue avoiding diets.
4. Explore my creativity through writing, drawing and colouring in. Focus on creating, for the journey not for the product. 
5. Continue to explore who Acacia really is. All these years I try to figure out what I want to be and it always changes, but that's no surprise when I don't even know who I am and have lost touch with what I love.
6. Read lots of books. Fiction and non-fiction. Whatever I please.
7. Make James's life as happy and as easy as possible.. Commit an act of love every day.

I promised myself I'd write more, yet I haven't been too committed to that by the lack of posts! Anyway here I am. Mostly, on the whole, I am very content and happy where I am. I enjoyed a beautiful Christmas day with family full of turkey, ham, prawns, potato bake and salads. I devoured 2 servings of pavlova for dinner because I could. Then I ate a couple of chocolates and it didn't bother me. We woke up, went for a big run/walk and got in the car for a drive for 8 hours to Melbourne.

 I am allowing myself to indulge in the food that I love, but trying to not graze between meals. Am I happy with how my body looks? No. It is soft, I have cellulite and the beautiful lines and firm muscles I used to have are gone. BUT appearance is temporary and it means nothing. Would I have been happier on Christmas day had I been lean but counting macros - unlikely able to eat particular foods, anxious about not being able to weigh and measure my meal and probably annoyed because I would have binged.. definately self-conscious anyway because despite being lean I still never looked good enough? No. I wouldn't have. I'm happier now, because my weight and my body fat are never low enough, never good enough.. but enjoying food and moments with family and loved ones are always enough and should always be savoured.

However, despite all this I go on Instagram and see people with the bodies I want and I feel a tug inside me... I could look like that! I know what I need to do, but my thoughts don't go that far, not planning how to get there, just reacting to that tug inside me that causes me to feel envious, jealous, a longing for something I feel I'll never have..

But then I remind myself, I can have that. I can be fit and healthy if I don't get extreme. But why do I want it so bad? It took away my ability to live, that obsession with appearance. It negated all the other incredible things about myself, it covered up my creativity and caused rifts in my relationships. Is that what I really want? Looking like that won't make me happy. Perhaps when I'm truly happy I'll look like that anyway because I'm no longer medicating with food and I have a healthy relationship with the gym, but to focus on my appearance as the outcome? That's not what I want anymore.

What do I want? I want to see friends at amazing cafes and indulge in the foods I truly want. I want to feel TRULY in control of what I eat. I want to go to the gym and workout because I love it, not because I hate me. I want to have wine at dinner and dessert afterwards. I want to draw and write and colour and sing in my spare time, because my mind is not filled with 'fitspo' and 'inspo' and my eyes are not glued to social media, in the hope that if I look enough I'll starting looking 'enough'.

In four days a new year begins. 2016, for me, is a year of healing. It's a year of finding myself and learning to love myself again. It's a year of enjoying myself and 'being', not always having to be 'doing'. It's a year that will not have diets or restrictions. It's the year that I will realise I am enough. Right now. As I am. And I look forward to that.

It's none of my business

So I had this realization today. James and I have been fighting and it made me so anxious to think about if we split up, and also if he doesn't love m.. but I realised oh if someone else likes me it's none of my business. Even if James loves me or not, it's none of my business. I have finally realised I can't control someone else's feelings towards me. I can try to control them, by doing artificial, incongruous actions that I think will impress them, but truly deep down I don't know. I don't know why James loves me - if it was my decision I'd say it was my looks, but then I don't think that much of my looks so sort of think it's not that. But either way, it's only a guess.

Balancing Decisions, Drinking alcohol & moving to Goa!

I really need to write more. And meditate more. Most of all just be more. In the now type 'be' not 'I'm insufficient'. Let's rephrase. I'd love to make more time to write! I'd also like to write a guide on loving yourself. But I guess I have to learn that first.

Our friends Kate & Gaurav are here to stay from Goa, India and it's so incredible to have them. They own and run a yoga studio in Goa and James and I are going next year to do their course which is very exciting. We had a wonderful night drinking wine & eating cheese and talking about all sorts of things, including loving yourself. Gaurav told this story about how he once saw a celebrity wearing a certain type of shoes so he thought 'I must have them'. He goes to buy them but they don't have his size, only a size smaller. But he buys them anyway because he had to have those shoes. His feet were sore and cramped but he wore them anyway until one day he realised he didn't like having sore feet trying to fit into these celebrity shoes. So he bought shoes that fit him, still wonderful shoes that looked good, but ones that fit him and he was much more comfortable. I laughed at the thought of how many shoes I've bought that were too small just because I had to have those ones. And now I have bursitis and arthritis in my toe and I'm 27! I still own a pair of shorts I bought in Holland. I remember dieting and exercising for over 2 hours a day. I was so insecure about James cheating on me with this girl, Donne, or another girl Lauren, that I thought I should lose weight because he'd never leave me then (the irony of this came only just this weekend). Anyway I shrunk enormously, so I fit into these teeny tiny shorts for about a week until James came over. One of the things we have always loved to do together is eat.. so we did... and I ended up putting the weight back on. I've never fit into those shorts since.. but ridiculously still hold onto them. Waiting for the day they'll fit. Omg that was in 2007!! I have been holding onto them for 8 years!!!!!! For 8 years I have tried to fit into those shorts and yet I haven't again.. and instead of giving up on the shorts and the diets I've scolded myself and thought I need to work harder and be more persistent. Fuck. Trying to lose weight for 8 years.. if that's not persistent I don't know what is!!!

Anyway I've digressed. As usual. So the irony of this notion that James would never leave me if I lost weight.. is that over the weekend we had a wedding & I was hanging around this guy all night, dancing and having a good time, but of course incredibly immature and disrespectful to James... and he and I almost broke up yesterday. So the irony of wanting to look good to save my relationship, is that my need to impress others and have external validation for my looks is that it actually almost lost my relationship, and all this focus on my appearance has meant I have lost focus on the values that are important to me. The person I want to be. It's like Gaurav said, when you focus so much on trying to be something that you're not, you lose focus on who you really are, and that side of you becomes unconscious. It's like the other day when I realised how much I used to love to write and draw. Every holidays, every weekend, I would be drawing or writing, or doing both in these great books I used to write for my dad. And then I became a teenager, and became focused on boys and how I looked, and I lost that creative side of me. It served no purpose (or so I thought). And then I became an adult and everything I did became about earning money and trying to be the best at something that would earn me money, like fitness for example. And I never drew and I never wrote because they were pointless, they weren't going to earn me money, unless i did a journalism course which I considered for a while.. but decided against because there's no money in it and I want to write creatively.. so I just never wrote at all. So I am very excited because today is the first day of nearly 2 weeks off and I want to write and read and draw every day.

I am also very excited because Kate and Gaurav told us we could buy a house in Goa for $30,000 and live off about $2000 a month (lavishly). If we sold our house and James's business we could literally just put our money in a savings or term deposit and live. Just live. Not work. Just live. And it would give us the space to meditate, and be creative and live the life we've always wanted. We have to leave every 6 months for our visa, but that is okay because we could travel! And come back to Australia to see family. It makes me so excited because I see photos of Kate on Facebook living this incredible life and I watch her journey longingly and thinking how I wish I could have that life.. and now I find out that James would be keen on it! So we will go in November (11 months away, too long!) and we will not sell our house until we have done that. We will also not have a baby (which I am fine with) because moving with a kid would be too hard, although I guess not really but taking mum's first grandchild overseas might make life difficult. I would miss mum so much though, and my family.. and our friends, but I think it would be okay. Mum could come to visit and I would go home to visit her.. I am just so excited!

So I also had my psych yesterday and she said my eating looks more relaxed (which it is) and my weight is stable (which is great because I thought I'd gain) despite eating and drinking like a Queen the last week! So I am learning that I will not gain weight if I just eat normally. And I am learning to love myself and not try to lose weight. She's also helping me see that you can be healthy and focus on health by including more exercise and more fruit and vegetables and less processed food, but not excluding whole things like sugar or carbs or fat or counting calories. And I'm happy with that. We also had a big chat about the weekend and what happens when you drink and she drew a circle and said normally we have boundaries set by our values and morals but when we drink these become blurry and we do something outside of those boundaries because the alcohol affects the front part of our brain that is responsible, and makes decisions and problem solves. It is a depressant so it slows this ability to make decisions down, and delays our decision making so sometimes we act first, or it completely interferes with our decision making so we don't think at all ( like the boy who climbed on the crane and fell to his death one new years eve). So we did a balance of pros and cons of drinking and I realised the two things that draw me to drink are the confidence and relaxation it gives me (which I can find in other ways and will increase the more I do positive things) and also the social aspect. But there's no reason I can't go to things and see friends and enjoy myself without drinking. Also, like last night when I drank a bottle of wine, I can still have nights like that with friends.. just maybe not the massive benders out with lots of people.. perhaps it's better to go easy on those nights. And so through all this analysing we found a middle way for me. And that's what I'm finding more and more, is that there's a middle way. I can have my cake and eat it after all!

A picture sometimes doesn't tell any words

I went out to a friend's birthday on a weekend. I was tagged in a photo afterwards and while I'm not genuinely smiling but posing (because 'what if my top lip goes thin in the photo?', 'what if my eyes are squinty?', 'what if my cheeks look chubby?' etc. etc. run through my head too often when I see a photo being taken) I think 'she looks like a normal, fairly pretty girl'.

For 12 years I have looked like a normal girl. It's funny that no one can tell what's going on behind those eyes. No one would know the number of times my head has been in a toilet bowl, fingers down my throat. No one would know the tears I've cried at my inadequacy, my failure, my inability to be successful at anything, not even dieting. No one would know how little I think of myself, or how much I beat myself up for breaking my rules, yet again. No one at work would know that on some days every minute I sit there I am in excruciating emotional pain, unsure how I will get through the next 60 seconds, let alone the whole day.

We had a family lunch on the weekend (with all my siblings who have no idea about the bulimia) and my 19 year old niece was telling me about a book she read about eating disorders. I thought to myself 'why is she reading that? Maybe she has one!' And I would never know. We don't talk about it. It's shameful. It's embarrassing. It's raw and awkward and while it's completely acceptable to fat-shame yourself and whinge about how much weight you've put on, it seems like it's not okay to open up and say you have an eating disorder. Saying you have anxiety is fine. Saying you deal with it with the mechanisms you do, doesn't seem socially acceptable. Maybe that's just my views.

I've been toying with the idea of telling people. I don't know. Only my mum, my fiancee and my best friend know. I have a friend who knows I've been seeing a psychologist, she knows I've been having some trouble, but she has no idea that I'm bulimic. (Actually, that's just spurred me into an idea. Which has nothing to do with what I'm typing. Language is reality. If I keep saying "I'm bulimic, I have an eating disorder" then I will stay stuck in that situation. I am a recovering bulimic. I'm in recovery. I can put those bad habits(?) in the past. I'm recovering. I am recovering too. I've done so well. Four weeks and no restriction.)

I digress. Back to the telling people thing. Should I talk about it? I'm sure they know I've got some sort of issue - I'm always on a diet, always not eating something in particular. I don't want to be that girl any more. It's also the friend's hens this weekend that I want to tell, and I feel like it would help to be more open about it, because I'm very anxious about the hens and want to have a get out of jail free card if I need it. I guess I can just leave. But I want an excuse to be driving not drinking. I guess I don't need one do I? One of the things I need to learn is that I don't need excuses, the truth is usually sufficient. One of the things I need to work on is owning my shit. Like being able to say 'do you know what, I am exhausted and I am not drinking and I love you and this is no indication of my care for you, but I need to go home, I hope you understand'. And not give a shit if someone thinks that's rude, or thinks it's uncaring. That's their issue, not mine. I know I adore my friend, she knows how much I adore her, I don't think how long you stay out for is an issue.

And the other friend of mine who's going and last weekend was saying how glad she was I was going to drink. I need to just say to her, 'I've changed my mind. I'm going through some heavy stuff at the moment, this isn't the time or the place but I'm seeing a psychologist and I need to stay sober for my own peace of mind. I'm still going to have a good time and enjoy myself, but this is what I need to do.' And I need to forget about impressing her by getting drunk. Because at the end of the day, that's her shit if she can't have a good time without drinking, or needs me to be drunk too.

I took yesterday off work AND today. And I felt really guilty. But then the other day my friend said to me 'mental ILLNESS is still an illness' and she's right. It' s a shame we can't call our boss and say, you know I'm just not coping emotionally with life right now, and I need a bit of a break. It's a shame we can't say that to our doctors to get a medical certificate, but to be honest, I think that's what I am going to say - I'm going to to to the medical centre and tell the doctor I am a recovering bulimic and life has just been really crazy and I needed a break. And I'm going to see what they say. Maybe all of these ideas that society doesn't like us admitting mental illness are just in my head. I mean, if I had an employee who said they were struggling with a mental illness and needed time off I wouldn't challenge it, would anyone? 

I knew writing would help me again!!

Tuesday 8 December 2015

Today I had a great session with Juliet. Considering I went from feeling like I was going to jump off a cliff to feeling like I have a bit more room to move, I am very pleased.

We spoke about my inability to say no to other people, and to need to be the best at everything. "What if you're not the best?" she asked. It was a hard one to answer. "I'd feel inadequate, not special" even saying it was hard. "Is James the best at anything?" she asked me "no, but he's very popular and good at things" "do you think he's special" Yes.

It's given me room to move. I can do my best while simultaneously admitting that that doesn't have to mean driving myself into the ground to get there. Doing my best can mean saying no sometimes. I think that's what I have to learn, I'm certainly not doing my best with Arbonne when I'm shattered and have no energy, I'm not doing my best by my friends to saying yes to things that i don't have time for then not doing a good job. I'm not doing my best at work having to take time off because I'm exhausted and I'm not doing my best by James never having time to help him with the chores or spend quality time with him. And I'm definately not doing my best by myself not taking time to process what I need ot when it comes to having an eating disorder and recovering from it. So really by doing so much I'm actually doing worse than if I gave myself some room to move.

I need to leave my job though, that's taking up too much time. So I might stay there til the end of February, then go to India to do Kate's course and come back and get back into personal training & also do yoga teaching. That gives me some hope and it also helps me realise that I don't HAVE to finish area or push myself so hard if it's not the right time. Recovery needs to be my number 1 focus. My absolute number 1. I can't be focusing on other things right now. Or I'm going to burn out and relapse.

Thursday 27 November

I'm back with my tail between my legs. Seriously when will I learn? I'm back because I tried the diet- I EXCELLED at the diet - 1500 calories every day (some left) no matter what, I exercised 6 days a week, I went running, I did a workout at 6pm on a Saturday night in 35 degree heat on the tiles in front of the kitchen. Then I went away. And I had a mini freak out about not being able to weigh my food, which turned into all around excitement about being able to eat WHATEVER I wanted.. and led to coming on 2 WEEKS of crappy eating. I was getting lean, I was losing weight but at the end of the day it's not MAINTAINABLE. Why can't I realise this? I keep saying to myself 'oh but you've got to learn these lessons' I think I'm learning the wrong lesson. Anyway. I've been watching a lot of Jess Ainscough on Youtube and I've also spoken to my friend about her wedding diet and she said 'no matter how hard you work you won't be happy about how you look anyway' and it made me realise that's so true. If I don't learn to love myself now I won't love myself no matter how thin I look. I really expect that being lean will make my life easier somehow, that my outward appearance affects my inward being - and I know that just isn't the truth. I need to work on my self and my soul, not on my body. It's just a vessel.

Anyway, that's it from me for now. I'm tired and have work tomorrow early, but I am going back to Intuitive Eating. It's the only thing that stops that incessant desire for food - so eating when hungry, stopping when full and eating exactly what it is I want. Hopefully by 8 weeks time for my wedding I will have gotten over the typical eating all I can in my face at once and I'll have balanced out.

Day 18 Intuitive Eating Journal & Day 6 12WBT

Wow, I feel amazing. Today was a stinker - it was so hot I just felt like a big lump. But I managed to do a workout while waiting for my treat meal (Lite & Easy pumpkin lasagne) to cook in the oven. It was FULL ON. But I'm so proud of myself. I've definately come a long way from the person I used to be. I used to throw in the towel so quickly. "It's too hot to workout today, I'll never be able to do things consistently, I'm quitting because there's no point". That sort of thinking is SO RIDICULOUS.

I also realised today that I'm full aware of my hunger signals now. I have no questions as to when I'm hungry and when I'm not! I am definately more hungry than I'd like, but I think I'll get used to that. I weighed myself this morning and have lost 1.5kg in 6 days! It's so exciting, weigh in is next Wednesday and today is Saturday so I'm hoping 2kg in my first week. That would be the kick start I need. That means by my hens in 4 weeks (today) I should have lost like 4kg which is DEFINATELY noticable.

I'm not going to write down what I ate anymore. I write it in My Fitness Pal and I'm definately not eating when I'm not hungry. If I ever slip up then I might start again. Anyway, feeling really great about my health and how much I'm trying.

I also realised on days i haven't had enough WATER I am SO much more hungry, so I make sure when I'm feeling hungry soon after a meal that I drink alot of water.

Day 16 Intuitive Eating Journal & Day 4 12WBT

I'm going to forget what day i'm up to soon.

Today was hard. I was hungry all day. And I kept warring with myself "eat - you're hungry" "don't eat - it's an old habit you're not hungry" so I just tried to satisfy myself with low cal volume. Guess it sort of worked.

I was pleased though - we went to take the dogs for a walk and ended up running! I ran the whole way to the rock and then most of the way back until we ran into 2 staffies. Anyway, that was a major goal of mine - to run both ways, so I've nearly done it already. Made me feel better about snacking on some rice crackers.

B: -3 40g multigrain gf sultana bran, 1 banana, 3/4 cup oat milk; flat white +3
L: -3 2 gf toast with 25g avo, 20g lite cream cheese, 1 fried egg +2
S: -3 200g rockmelon, 50g sheeps milk yogurt +2
S2: -3 3 rice crackers, 1.5 pc sweet potato +1
S3: -2 BULLA choc coated ice cream +3
D: -3 200g (raw) chicken breast, cooked, 3 cups salad no dressing, 180g brocollini & asparagus steamed. +2

Anwyay, pretty healthy day and i'm glad I tracked the bulla ice cream and made up for it with my dinner so it fit in to my day!

Day 5 12wbt tomorrow - my exercise has been amazing - repeat this week and I'll be cheering!

Day 15 Intuitive Eating Journal

Today was great. I actually had one moment where all of a sudden I realised I was quite hungry and I thought 'I can't do this - being hungry that is - it's so hard' but then I realised I'd let myself get too hungry and really, I'm just paying attention to my appetite and not starving at all!

B: -2 40g freedom foods sultana bran, 3/4 cup oat milk, 1 banana +3
S: -2 flat white +2
L: -3 2 pc gf toast with light cream cheese, tin salmon, cucumber & dilL; TEA +3
S: -3 100g greek yogurt, 1 green apple grated +2
Michelle BRidges workout - I died!
D: -3 pc baguette with smoked trout, 2 oysters, v small pc beef fillet, rocket salad, grilled medit. veg. +2; 1 glass wine

 

Day 14 Intuitive Eating Journal

Today was good. I felt in control most of the day - although for a little bit I was thinking 'oh what a long journey ahead, I wonder if I can do it and replaying all the times I haven't been able to before' but I know I can! Anyway, it made me realise that although my wedding is at the end of January I need to have shorter goals to keep me going. I'm still unsure about my hunger factors but I'm definately getting better. So my short term goals are:

1. I can only try on my wedding dress once I reach 63.9kg - 2kg loss & should be on 19.11 or before.
3. Hen's Night on 29 November (exactly one month and 2 days away)
3. Christmas Day on 25 December (exactly 7 weeks and 5 days away)


B:  - 3 2 GF weetbix with the crumbles from the bag, so really 3, oat milk, banana +1 half hour later a flat white +2
S: -2 paleo banana bread, cup of tea with oat milk +2
L: -3 2 GF toast with lite cream cheese, 100g tinned salmon, cucumber and dill +3
S: -2 half an apple +3
D: -3 150g flat head with salad and 1/4 cup sweet potato +2

Pretty happy with myself because in the past 2 weeks I've really consciously paid attention to my hunger and not eaten when I'm not hungry - I've definately gotten out of the habit of just eating all the time! 

Day 13 Intuitive Eating Journal

I went out to dinner last night and forgot about my diary! I had a shocking day to begin with - weighed myself and weigh 65.9!! I couldn't believe it. That's the most I've weighed in SO LONG. I don't know what's going on. I suddenly questioned all this intuitive eating stuff, but then I thought about it and I remember at the beginning expecting a little weight gain - for the first time ever I'm giving myself permission to eat whatever I want, so of course I've been choosing less healthy options. I had 2 waffle cones last week with 2 scoops of gelato each time, I had 3 or 4 of those bulla choc coated ice creams, plus I had the vegan chocolate brownie thing.. and I had 2 cupcakes saturday and 3 glasses of champagne, plus little puff pastry squares, so really I should be happy I didn't put on more! Anyway, I'm focused this week, I've committed to the 12wbt workouts, to be honest I am calorie counting as well to hit 1500 BUT my main thing is appetite and eating what I really want, so I will be okay going over the cals if I'm really hungry and my body asks for it.

B: -2 2 gluten free weetbix, 1/4 cup muesli, 3/4 cup rice milk, 1 banana +3
S: -3 flat white +1
L: (half hour later) -3 2 x gluten free toast with 100g red tinned salmon, 40g light cream cheese, dill & 1/2 a cucumber +3
S: -2 150g pineapple, 100g yogurt  +2
1/2 hour run/walk (12 min run, 9 min walk, 9 min run)
L: -3 1 cup vegan mushroom risotto, 2 cups salad +2
Dessert: 1 bite (literally half a teaspoon) raw vegan beetroot mudcake; peppermint tea

To be honest I went to bed hungry, but I'd rather wake up hungry and eat early than eat before bed and have to wait for breakfast.

Anyway, much healthier day today - lots of vegetables and got my 2 fruits in so very happy with that.

Day 12 Intuitive Eating Journal

Wow. I can't believe it's already 12 days. I definately feel like I no longer have that crazy, manic 'I want to eat all the foods I never allowed myself' thing. I allow myself to eat whatever I want, but most of the time it's healthy food. We went to the movies today and I had 1L of water instead of a choc top. At first I really wanted the choc top but I'd just had sushi and I am really determined to finally get to a fit, healthy and toned body this summer. I am desperate to lie on the beach and be proud of my body - lying next to Roxy I just felt so fat and lumpy and I hate it. I might also start tanning every day. After work Monday Wed and Fri I'm going to go for a swim at Newport before  driving home. I can't wait! It'll be such a nice way to start the day.

B: - 2 bowl fruit salad and a blob of yogurt -1
45 min later: -3 2 GF weetbix, handful muesli, handful GF sultana bran, rice milk and banana +3
S: -2 flat white +3
L: -3 sushi - 2 brown rice rolls and 3 pc sashimi +3
D: 1 pc pork belly, steamed carrots with coconut oil, steamed kale & home made sauerkraut +2 2 pieces pineapple, 3 pieces papaya & a hot carob water with dash rice milk +2

Anyway, as you can see a fairly healthy day - I'm also finding I'm snacking a lot less. I really wanted a coffee so I shouldn't really have had the flat white but that's okay.

Day 11 Intuitive Eating Journal

So today and last night were very interesting in terms of learning curves. A few weeks ago before I started this journal I joined Michelle Bridges 12WBT. I'd already signed up when I decided to do intuitive eating, so I've made my mind up NOT to do the 12wbt meal plan but use the midset, the support, the forums and the workouts because these meal plans don't work for me. Anyway, one of the pre-course tasks are to mark your 'red flags' in your diary for when you have things coming up that will be difficult so you can prepare for them. Anyway, I've thought oh that's silly because I'll just not drink and i'll just avoid the food but I've really not thought properly through it. So I went to a friend's last night and she snacks and picks alot and we always end up eating lots of chocolate and her house is a bit of an eating trigger for me but I didn't prepare for that. So I had dinner with her and was hungry but after dinner I kept snacking on these wafer things and chocolate even though I wasn't hungry. I wasn't prepared for it at all. Today I had a picnic and I'd had a huge breakfast with a friend so told myself I wasn't going to eat until I was hungry but I got bored of waiting so when I was about a -1 I started having a few things then I got over waiting later and had 1 and a 1/2 cupcakes, a bowl of pasta salad, some puff pastry things and heaps of fruit (I brought the fruit). Also had 3 glasses of wine. Anyway, not going to get shitty at myself for it but I definately learned a lesson - I need to be prepared! I am proud of myself though, I got exactly what I wanted for breakfast (although my friend ordered me poached eggs with it which i didn't want but that's okay) and I left the picnic to go home and not kick on drinking with everyone else, because i knew i'd regret it.

When I left i noticed I felt a bit sad - I guess it's a bit lonely coming home by myself. That's a good lesson for when James is going home from a party alone because it's not a nice feeling for some reason. It's not horrendous but it's not the best.

Also, I went to the beach this morning and I felt like such a big fat whale next to my friend, it was just awful. I spent the day talking with a friend who's a personal trainer who did a body building compp, and another friend who lost 10 kgs for her sister's wedding and both were saying you really have to be super strict and not drink and it's hard to have balance, so it really makes me a bit nervous but i'm just so sick of being the fat girl at the beach, I know I'm not FAT but i'm not happy with my body so it's just really something I know I need to do. Balancing that with socialising will just be difficult.

day 10 intuitive eating

So I'm doing this earlier in the day because i'm going to a friend's tonight and so won't be able to log.

I had a bit of an epipheny this morning - I felt that sort of hungry feeling and just let it develop and realised that I normally eat at a -3/-4 when I'm waiting for hunger - I eat when my stomach is completely empty and growling, and that's why when i'm not feeling that I'm wondering what's going on.

I also realised if I just wait for this funny feeling to dissipate it will turn into hunger eventually, so there's no reason to feel anxious.

I also realised that my body will tell ME when it's hungry, I really don't have to ask, and that was a big thing because I keep thinking 'am i? am i?' and when I'm actually hungry it tells me loud and clear! So I'm feeling a bit more relaxed about it.

B: -2 gf sultana bran with rice milk and a banana, 1/5 protein shake (leftover from james) +3
S: -2 flat white +1
L: -3/4 turkish sandwich with chicken thigh, avo, pesto, sundrieds, cheese, baby spinach and mushrooms +3
S: -3 vegan gluten free chocolate muffin; green apple +1 half hour later -2 yogurt with muesli+1

Geez it's happening again. I just don't feel satisfied. This can't possibly be a famine reaction - I've eaten gelato twice this week!