Thursday 27 November

I'm back with my tail between my legs. Seriously when will I learn? I'm back because I tried the diet- I EXCELLED at the diet - 1500 calories every day (some left) no matter what, I exercised 6 days a week, I went running, I did a workout at 6pm on a Saturday night in 35 degree heat on the tiles in front of the kitchen. Then I went away. And I had a mini freak out about not being able to weigh my food, which turned into all around excitement about being able to eat WHATEVER I wanted.. and led to coming on 2 WEEKS of crappy eating. I was getting lean, I was losing weight but at the end of the day it's not MAINTAINABLE. Why can't I realise this? I keep saying to myself 'oh but you've got to learn these lessons' I think I'm learning the wrong lesson. Anyway. I've been watching a lot of Jess Ainscough on Youtube and I've also spoken to my friend about her wedding diet and she said 'no matter how hard you work you won't be happy about how you look anyway' and it made me realise that's so true. If I don't learn to love myself now I won't love myself no matter how thin I look. I really expect that being lean will make my life easier somehow, that my outward appearance affects my inward being - and I know that just isn't the truth. I need to work on my self and my soul, not on my body. It's just a vessel.

Anyway, that's it from me for now. I'm tired and have work tomorrow early, but I am going back to Intuitive Eating. It's the only thing that stops that incessant desire for food - so eating when hungry, stopping when full and eating exactly what it is I want. Hopefully by 8 weeks time for my wedding I will have gotten over the typical eating all I can in my face at once and I'll have balanced out.

Day 18 Intuitive Eating Journal & Day 6 12WBT

Wow, I feel amazing. Today was a stinker - it was so hot I just felt like a big lump. But I managed to do a workout while waiting for my treat meal (Lite & Easy pumpkin lasagne) to cook in the oven. It was FULL ON. But I'm so proud of myself. I've definately come a long way from the person I used to be. I used to throw in the towel so quickly. "It's too hot to workout today, I'll never be able to do things consistently, I'm quitting because there's no point". That sort of thinking is SO RIDICULOUS.

I also realised today that I'm full aware of my hunger signals now. I have no questions as to when I'm hungry and when I'm not! I am definately more hungry than I'd like, but I think I'll get used to that. I weighed myself this morning and have lost 1.5kg in 6 days! It's so exciting, weigh in is next Wednesday and today is Saturday so I'm hoping 2kg in my first week. That would be the kick start I need. That means by my hens in 4 weeks (today) I should have lost like 4kg which is DEFINATELY noticable.

I'm not going to write down what I ate anymore. I write it in My Fitness Pal and I'm definately not eating when I'm not hungry. If I ever slip up then I might start again. Anyway, feeling really great about my health and how much I'm trying.

I also realised on days i haven't had enough WATER I am SO much more hungry, so I make sure when I'm feeling hungry soon after a meal that I drink alot of water.

Day 16 Intuitive Eating Journal & Day 4 12WBT

I'm going to forget what day i'm up to soon.

Today was hard. I was hungry all day. And I kept warring with myself "eat - you're hungry" "don't eat - it's an old habit you're not hungry" so I just tried to satisfy myself with low cal volume. Guess it sort of worked.

I was pleased though - we went to take the dogs for a walk and ended up running! I ran the whole way to the rock and then most of the way back until we ran into 2 staffies. Anyway, that was a major goal of mine - to run both ways, so I've nearly done it already. Made me feel better about snacking on some rice crackers.

B: -3 40g multigrain gf sultana bran, 1 banana, 3/4 cup oat milk; flat white +3
L: -3 2 gf toast with 25g avo, 20g lite cream cheese, 1 fried egg +2
S: -3 200g rockmelon, 50g sheeps milk yogurt +2
S2: -3 3 rice crackers, 1.5 pc sweet potato +1
S3: -2 BULLA choc coated ice cream +3
D: -3 200g (raw) chicken breast, cooked, 3 cups salad no dressing, 180g brocollini & asparagus steamed. +2

Anwyay, pretty healthy day and i'm glad I tracked the bulla ice cream and made up for it with my dinner so it fit in to my day!

Day 5 12wbt tomorrow - my exercise has been amazing - repeat this week and I'll be cheering!

Day 15 Intuitive Eating Journal

Today was great. I actually had one moment where all of a sudden I realised I was quite hungry and I thought 'I can't do this - being hungry that is - it's so hard' but then I realised I'd let myself get too hungry and really, I'm just paying attention to my appetite and not starving at all!

B: -2 40g freedom foods sultana bran, 3/4 cup oat milk, 1 banana +3
S: -2 flat white +2
L: -3 2 pc gf toast with light cream cheese, tin salmon, cucumber & dilL; TEA +3
S: -3 100g greek yogurt, 1 green apple grated +2
Michelle BRidges workout - I died!
D: -3 pc baguette with smoked trout, 2 oysters, v small pc beef fillet, rocket salad, grilled medit. veg. +2; 1 glass wine

 

Day 14 Intuitive Eating Journal

Today was good. I felt in control most of the day - although for a little bit I was thinking 'oh what a long journey ahead, I wonder if I can do it and replaying all the times I haven't been able to before' but I know I can! Anyway, it made me realise that although my wedding is at the end of January I need to have shorter goals to keep me going. I'm still unsure about my hunger factors but I'm definately getting better. So my short term goals are:

1. I can only try on my wedding dress once I reach 63.9kg - 2kg loss & should be on 19.11 or before.
3. Hen's Night on 29 November (exactly one month and 2 days away)
3. Christmas Day on 25 December (exactly 7 weeks and 5 days away)


B:  - 3 2 GF weetbix with the crumbles from the bag, so really 3, oat milk, banana +1 half hour later a flat white +2
S: -2 paleo banana bread, cup of tea with oat milk +2
L: -3 2 GF toast with lite cream cheese, 100g tinned salmon, cucumber and dill +3
S: -2 half an apple +3
D: -3 150g flat head with salad and 1/4 cup sweet potato +2

Pretty happy with myself because in the past 2 weeks I've really consciously paid attention to my hunger and not eaten when I'm not hungry - I've definately gotten out of the habit of just eating all the time! 

Day 13 Intuitive Eating Journal

I went out to dinner last night and forgot about my diary! I had a shocking day to begin with - weighed myself and weigh 65.9!! I couldn't believe it. That's the most I've weighed in SO LONG. I don't know what's going on. I suddenly questioned all this intuitive eating stuff, but then I thought about it and I remember at the beginning expecting a little weight gain - for the first time ever I'm giving myself permission to eat whatever I want, so of course I've been choosing less healthy options. I had 2 waffle cones last week with 2 scoops of gelato each time, I had 3 or 4 of those bulla choc coated ice creams, plus I had the vegan chocolate brownie thing.. and I had 2 cupcakes saturday and 3 glasses of champagne, plus little puff pastry squares, so really I should be happy I didn't put on more! Anyway, I'm focused this week, I've committed to the 12wbt workouts, to be honest I am calorie counting as well to hit 1500 BUT my main thing is appetite and eating what I really want, so I will be okay going over the cals if I'm really hungry and my body asks for it.

B: -2 2 gluten free weetbix, 1/4 cup muesli, 3/4 cup rice milk, 1 banana +3
S: -3 flat white +1
L: (half hour later) -3 2 x gluten free toast with 100g red tinned salmon, 40g light cream cheese, dill & 1/2 a cucumber +3
S: -2 150g pineapple, 100g yogurt  +2
1/2 hour run/walk (12 min run, 9 min walk, 9 min run)
L: -3 1 cup vegan mushroom risotto, 2 cups salad +2
Dessert: 1 bite (literally half a teaspoon) raw vegan beetroot mudcake; peppermint tea

To be honest I went to bed hungry, but I'd rather wake up hungry and eat early than eat before bed and have to wait for breakfast.

Anyway, much healthier day today - lots of vegetables and got my 2 fruits in so very happy with that.

Day 12 Intuitive Eating Journal

Wow. I can't believe it's already 12 days. I definately feel like I no longer have that crazy, manic 'I want to eat all the foods I never allowed myself' thing. I allow myself to eat whatever I want, but most of the time it's healthy food. We went to the movies today and I had 1L of water instead of a choc top. At first I really wanted the choc top but I'd just had sushi and I am really determined to finally get to a fit, healthy and toned body this summer. I am desperate to lie on the beach and be proud of my body - lying next to Roxy I just felt so fat and lumpy and I hate it. I might also start tanning every day. After work Monday Wed and Fri I'm going to go for a swim at Newport before  driving home. I can't wait! It'll be such a nice way to start the day.

B: - 2 bowl fruit salad and a blob of yogurt -1
45 min later: -3 2 GF weetbix, handful muesli, handful GF sultana bran, rice milk and banana +3
S: -2 flat white +3
L: -3 sushi - 2 brown rice rolls and 3 pc sashimi +3
D: 1 pc pork belly, steamed carrots with coconut oil, steamed kale & home made sauerkraut +2 2 pieces pineapple, 3 pieces papaya & a hot carob water with dash rice milk +2

Anyway, as you can see a fairly healthy day - I'm also finding I'm snacking a lot less. I really wanted a coffee so I shouldn't really have had the flat white but that's okay.

Day 11 Intuitive Eating Journal

So today and last night were very interesting in terms of learning curves. A few weeks ago before I started this journal I joined Michelle Bridges 12WBT. I'd already signed up when I decided to do intuitive eating, so I've made my mind up NOT to do the 12wbt meal plan but use the midset, the support, the forums and the workouts because these meal plans don't work for me. Anyway, one of the pre-course tasks are to mark your 'red flags' in your diary for when you have things coming up that will be difficult so you can prepare for them. Anyway, I've thought oh that's silly because I'll just not drink and i'll just avoid the food but I've really not thought properly through it. So I went to a friend's last night and she snacks and picks alot and we always end up eating lots of chocolate and her house is a bit of an eating trigger for me but I didn't prepare for that. So I had dinner with her and was hungry but after dinner I kept snacking on these wafer things and chocolate even though I wasn't hungry. I wasn't prepared for it at all. Today I had a picnic and I'd had a huge breakfast with a friend so told myself I wasn't going to eat until I was hungry but I got bored of waiting so when I was about a -1 I started having a few things then I got over waiting later and had 1 and a 1/2 cupcakes, a bowl of pasta salad, some puff pastry things and heaps of fruit (I brought the fruit). Also had 3 glasses of wine. Anyway, not going to get shitty at myself for it but I definately learned a lesson - I need to be prepared! I am proud of myself though, I got exactly what I wanted for breakfast (although my friend ordered me poached eggs with it which i didn't want but that's okay) and I left the picnic to go home and not kick on drinking with everyone else, because i knew i'd regret it.

When I left i noticed I felt a bit sad - I guess it's a bit lonely coming home by myself. That's a good lesson for when James is going home from a party alone because it's not a nice feeling for some reason. It's not horrendous but it's not the best.

Also, I went to the beach this morning and I felt like such a big fat whale next to my friend, it was just awful. I spent the day talking with a friend who's a personal trainer who did a body building compp, and another friend who lost 10 kgs for her sister's wedding and both were saying you really have to be super strict and not drink and it's hard to have balance, so it really makes me a bit nervous but i'm just so sick of being the fat girl at the beach, I know I'm not FAT but i'm not happy with my body so it's just really something I know I need to do. Balancing that with socialising will just be difficult.

day 10 intuitive eating

So I'm doing this earlier in the day because i'm going to a friend's tonight and so won't be able to log.

I had a bit of an epipheny this morning - I felt that sort of hungry feeling and just let it develop and realised that I normally eat at a -3/-4 when I'm waiting for hunger - I eat when my stomach is completely empty and growling, and that's why when i'm not feeling that I'm wondering what's going on.

I also realised if I just wait for this funny feeling to dissipate it will turn into hunger eventually, so there's no reason to feel anxious.

I also realised that my body will tell ME when it's hungry, I really don't have to ask, and that was a big thing because I keep thinking 'am i? am i?' and when I'm actually hungry it tells me loud and clear! So I'm feeling a bit more relaxed about it.

B: -2 gf sultana bran with rice milk and a banana, 1/5 protein shake (leftover from james) +3
S: -2 flat white +1
L: -3/4 turkish sandwich with chicken thigh, avo, pesto, sundrieds, cheese, baby spinach and mushrooms +3
S: -3 vegan gluten free chocolate muffin; green apple +1 half hour later -2 yogurt with muesli+1

Geez it's happening again. I just don't feel satisfied. This can't possibly be a famine reaction - I've eaten gelato twice this week! 

day 9 intuitive eating blog

Today I really struggled. I couldn't tell if I was hungry or not.  I never felt satisfied and I felt kind of empty but then my brain was telling me not to eat because I want to lose weight. I think I need to move the focus from weight loss to getting in touch with my body, that way if I'm hungry I will eat and I won't have to think about it all the time. I need to figure out the difference between satisfied and unsatisfied.

B: -2 2 gf weetbix with rice milk and half a banana +3
S: -1 skim flat white +1
L: -3 kidney bean, carrot, radish and green apple salad; passion fruit chobani pouch +2
S: -1 homemade gf banana bread +1
Workout
Walk
S: -2 rockmelon and a carrot +2
D: -2 1 chicken thigh, cos, tomato, cucumber, asparagus, goats curd, sprinkle mayo; 1 bulla choc coated ice cream +3

So the -1 were The times I thought I was hungry but didn't have the growling tummy like I usually do when I'm hungry.

Day 8 Wednesday 22 October

I'm finding it hard to figure out when I'm satisfied. There's so much going on in my brain I can't connect to my body. I feel like I should just 'know' when I've had enough, but we all know that isn't the case. Should I go with what I 'think' is enough? I did a workout this morning too so I don't know if that's affected it:

B: -2 Gluten free sultana bran with a banana and rice milk +3
S: 0 Long black 0
S: -3 Flat white +2
Workout 40 mins
L: -3 2 egg omelette with asparagus, musrooms & goats curd; pc homemade banana bread with butter, cup of tea, 11 rice crackers with cheddar ?? I don't know how satisfied I am! I definately don't feel that satisfied, but when you look at my meals I SHOULD be, so I might just wait half an hour to see.
 Nap
Woke up still a little hungry. Maybe a -1. But I'm going out to dinner in an hour and a half, and going for a dog walk now, so I'm just going to wait so that by the time it's dinner I'm really hungry. I guess it's all about balance.

D: -2 2  squares pork belly with grated apple, thinly sliced steak (entree); salmon fillet with fennel and orange salad; glass red wine +3
S: Gelato with 2 scoops in a cone +4 (it's definately not the fullest I've been, I feel nicely satisfied but if I ate more it would be too much. so maybe it's a +3 but I feel like because of all that I've eaten it should be a +4). 

http://www.intuitiveeating.org/content/10-principles-intuitive-eating

10 Principles of Intuitive Eating

1. Reject the Diet Mentality Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently. Get angry at the lies that have led you to feel as if you were a failure every time a new diet stopped working and you gained back all of the weight. If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.
2. Honor Your Hunger Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for re-building trust with yourself and food.
3. Make Peace with Food Call a truce, stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, bingeing When you finally “give-in” to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt.
4. Challenge the Food Police .Scream a loud "NO" to thoughts in your head that declare you're "good" for eating minimal calories or "bad" because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created . The police station is housed deep in your psyche, and its loud speaker shouts negative barbs, hopeless phrases, and guilt-provoking indictments. Chasing the Food Police away is a critical step in returning to Intuitive Eating.
5. Respect Your Fullness Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show that you're comfortably full. Pause in the middle of a meal or food and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what is your current fullness level?
6. Discover the Satisfaction Factor The Japanese have the wisdom to promote pleasure as one of their goals of healthy living In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence--the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting and conducive, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. By providing this experience for yourself, you will find that it takes much less food to decide you've had "enough".
7. Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food Find ways to comfort , nurture, distract, and resolve your issues without using food. Anxiety, loneliness, boredom, anger are emotions we all experience throughout life. Each has its own trigger, and each has its own appeasement. Food won't fix any of these feelings. It may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you into a food hangover. But food won't solve the problem. If anything, eating for an emotional hunger will only make you feel worse in the long run. You'll ultimately have to deal with the source of the emotion, as well as the discomfort of overeating.
8. Respect Your Body Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally as futile (and uncomfortable) to have the same expectation with body size. But mostly, respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are. It's hard to reject the diet mentality if you are unrealistic and overly critical about your body shape.
9. Exercise--Feel the Difference Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise. If you focus on how you feel from working out, such as energized, it can make the difference between rolling out of bed for a brisk morning walk or hitting the snooze alarm. If when you wake up, your only goal is to lose weight, it's usually not a motivating factor in that moment of time.
10 Honor Your Health--Gentle Nutrition Make food choices that honor your health and tastebuds while making you feel well. Remember that you don't have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy. You will not suddenly get a nutrient deficiency or gain weight from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating. It's what you eat consistently over time that matters, progress not perfection is what counts.

Day 7 Tuesday 21 October

So. I weighed myself this morning. I shouldn't have, you're not meant to weigh for a month, but I did just in case. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't lost weight - there's literally no other option for me now. Anyway, I lost 700g!! So I'm really happy about that.

I went for a big bush walk this morning for an hour, it was great. I didn't do my workout - I'm trying to think of how I can start exercising because long workouts by myself don't happen and are so boring.

My eating was good. I'm still finding it hard to balance between my brain telling me I  "should" be full from what I've eaten and being actually full, like dinner tonight.

B: -4 flat white, 2 weetbix, homemade coconut water milk (blended with flesh), handful muesli +3
L: -3 Wrap with goats cheese, carrot, cucumber, avocado; 1 bulla choc coated ice cream; bowl yogurt with half a banana +3
D: -2 3 beef chapi, salad with green apple, dried apricot, radish, cucumber, sesame seeds and tahini; bulla choc coated ice cream, rice milk +2

So I guess I didn't really eat much today. I definately didn't eat when I wasn't hungry, but like at dinner I just felt like I just wasn't satisfied - I still feel like that. I think I wanted the ice blocks so I didn't eat as much so I could make room for it. At least I'm eating more vegetables now and I'm suprised because I'm not snacking.

Day 6 Intuitive Eating Diary Monday 17th October

I did something silly today. I tried on another wedding dress. And I loved it. Except I was a bit lumpy underneath and thought I need to lose some weight and just get a lot tighter and more toned. I need to exercise more - do my 3 weight trainings per week and cardio too. But I'll stick with intuitive eating.

Today was a good day except I did feel fat and puffy and I had to keep reminding myself dieting got me here, this is the only way out. I will only GAIN weight if I put it on. I look at people who are fit and healthy and do body building meal plans or Michelle Bridges but I wonder how their brain is. I need to develop my healthy relationship with food more, and realise that healthy eating isn't just about the food, it's about my thoughts about eating too. So I'm looking forward to developing that relationship and it becoming normal.

B: -3 2 weetbix, almond & coconut milk, handful muesli; tea +4
S: -2 flat white +2
L: 1 egg, fried in a little butter with sauteed brussels sprouts, potatoes, spring onions, tinned tomato, capsicum and zucchini +2 - I still felt a bit peckish after this but halfway to the station for uni my fullness kicked in and I was about +4
S: long black (tired, not hungry)
S: -2 chocolate protein shake +4
S: -3 banana +1
D: -4 2 eggs, scrambled, 2 pieces gluten free toast (1 with vegemite), bowl of lettuce with kelp, ACV & EVOO +1
S: Mug hot almond and coconut milk +2

I felt a bit snackish tonight. I'm struggling with my brain saying "you ate and drank so much on the weekend, how could you not be full all day?" and my stomach saying I haven't eaten enough. Come to think of it I really didn't eat THAT much on teh weekend and didn't go THAT overboard. The servings weren't huge at the wedding and I really just filled up on lollies and wine... Plus I barely ate most of yesterday until last night.

Finding the balance between brain and belly is definately the most difficult part of all of this but I'll keep trying! I think it's going to take a while yet before I trust that I can eat things like bread and cereal, etc.etc. so I'll just have to be patient. It's hard with my wedding coming up, but truth be told, even if I go on a 'diet' I'd end up fatter anyway, so may as well try something that might actually work and doesn't rely on will power.

Day 5 Intuitive Eating Diary October 19 Sunday

Well. I am very hung over. I did quite well today until this evening - tiredness always does this.

B: NO
S: -3 flat white, small +1
L: -4 Sumo salad detox chicken salad +2
S: -2 Medium All berry bang Boost Juice +2
S: -4 Chobani with muesli +1, wholemeal peanut butter and honey sandwich +1
D: -2 Bowl roast potatoes with mayonnaise +4

As you can see I mostly paid attention to my appetite. I didn't have breakfast because I wasn't hungry and just had a coffee, then really wanted sushi for lunch but they only took cash so I had a salad - I felt like something fresh. When I got home I was quite hungry and VERY tired and so I ate the yogurt and the sandwich and potatoes. No the most balanced meal but whatever. 7pm and bed time for ME!

Day 4 Intuitive Eating Diary Saturday 18th October

I'm doing this on Sunday because I had a wedding last night.

Yesterday wasn't the greatest in terms of intuitive eating. I felt a bit picky all day, it wasn't too bad in the day but then at the wedding it was really bad. I didn't pay attention to my hunger at all, ate and drank way too much, ate HEAPS of lollies and then came home and made a wrap and I didn't even need it because I definately wasn't hungry!

B: -3, 2x gluten free weetbix, almond and coconut milk, handful muesli & 1 small banana +1 so added 1 piece gluten free toast with vegemite and cheese +3
S: -2, flat white, +3
L: -2 wrap with avocado and cheese, banana bread +4
S: 0 flat white +1
Wedding: -1 red & white wine, champagne, 2 arancini balls, 1 satay stick, 1 goats cheese tart +3
Entree: 0 3 scallops with cauliflower puree, heaps of lollies
Main: Duck with greens
Dessert: Creme brulee (I only ate half of it and I'd thrown the lollies away by then)
Home: Wrap with vegan chilli, cheese and avocado.

So as you can see I ate alot yesterday, but I'm glad I stopped eating the creme brulee and put the lollies away. I defaintely could have done better but oh well! The wedding was a really fun time and the bride and groom are so in love,it was just beautiful. I love weddings they make me so excited for mine!!

Day 3 Intuitive Eating Diary October 17

Another successful day. I feel like I probably ate to a fuller satiety but then I got my TOM so... that might explain it. I also did a workout today and that helped. I'm loving that I went out to dinner with friends and didn't need to stress - I even told her to just order because I couldn't be bothered. No over the top analysing and being picky - so nice. I enjoyed a glass of wine as well!

B: -2 Protein shake with a banana in it +3
S: -3 Vegan gluten free banana bread with butter and a full cream flat white +3
S: -4 Raw vegan jaffa slice 1/2 and 1/2 raw vegan peanut butter fudge before training
1 hour gym session with brother
Coconut water
L: -3 Wrap with vegan chilli, avo, chobani, cheese, lettuce; chobani apricot yogurt with a hand ful of muesli+4
This was weird because I was sort of hungry and then after I ate I was still hungry, or unsatisfied until I had the yogurt. I guess I worked out and had a small breakfast.
D: -3 1 dumpling, 1 dim sim, 2 piece sashimi; beef stir fry, rice, pork belly stir fry & pork curry; 1 glass wine +1
Dessert: -1 scoop chocolate gelato, scoop hazelnut gelato +4

So I am a bit unsure of the hunger ratings. I feel like I'm never ravaged when I eat, but I am hungry, but I feel like I'm either hungry or not hungry, so I'm not used to the different scales yet. -1 is barely hungry, -2 is getting hungrier -3 is need to eat - 4 is pretty hungry and -5 is ravaged. But I feel like I always eat at the same and it's when I notice I'm hungry. I'm not comfortable waiting and seeing if I get hungrier yet. Before dinner I was still full from lunch but then I got hungrier waiting there, and I didn't eat so much I was stuffed and I had room for gelato. COuld have done with 1 scoop but again, I think I'm not used to it yet. I am quite proud of myself though because I haven't eaten when not at all hungry, and today I had a nap and knew i was going out to dinner and normally I'd have a snack anyway just because a few hours had past so I was 'allowed' to eat but I didn't because I wasn't hungry. And although it felt weird having the yogurt after my wrap I definately felt more satisfied afterward.

I read this article last night. I really loved it. It's good because she describes everything at the beginning that I'm going through as well - that need to get all the unhealthy food out of your system, but I'm pretty pleased with my healthy choices. I still go to bed and think about breakfast, and plan my meals ahead but it's only been 3 days - early days yet!

I have a wedding tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that. It will be interesting as it will be 3 courses and you're never hungry by the end so I might try to make sure I'm extra hungry!

Day 2 Intuitive Eating Diary 16 Oct 2014

I just went and saw If I go to Sleep with Nicole Kidman. It was amazing!

I had another good day. I'm proud of how it ended even if I did go a bit over.

I had breakfast at about a -2.5 of 2 gluten free weetbix, home made muesli, almond milk and a small banana which took me to a +3
Snack at -3 was a flat white which actually made me hungrier!
Lunch was only 1 hour after that so I held out it was a -3 for vegan chilli with kale salad, guacamole, cashew cheese and a gluten free corn tortilla, followed by a raw snickers and a cup of tea took me to a +3
Snack at -2 was a cherry chobani +2 satiety
Dog walk for an hour
Then dinner was sushi, we had about 8 plates between us and I had one sushi off each plate, then 2 scoops of gelato in a cone!

I was pleased because although I was very satisfied from the sushi I did stop myself early knowing I could have gelato. I'm not good at having just one flavour, I'm sure as I get used to it I will be able to, and I must remember to always just choose hazelnut as it's my favourite, that or chocolate. I do love waffle cones too!

I'm very proud of myself though because I didn't have anything other than the yogurt and usually I'd nibble when I got home. Even though I didn't go to the gym I did go for a big walk and that's something I've been noticing the past 2 days - if I'm not hungry enough to eat then it's good to make myself busy to distract myself, and it really works. It was lovely having a full cream coffee this morning too - it really is delicious.

All in all I feel very good because this time round I know that even though I'm eating things i wouldn't normally I am not eating when I'm not hungry and that's a REALLY bad habit, and i'm consciously thinking about what I'm feeling like if I know I want to have something like ice cream later. Only 19 days until this is a habit :)

Day 1 Intuitive Eating

I'm going to diarise my progress with this because I really need to do it. Watched this video last night & something that hit home was when she said "you will probably lose weight doing this if you are eating when you're not hungry too often" and that's me! I'm not going to weigh myself, focus on what my body looks like or do anything but try to accept my body and love it for what it is.

Then I read this Article from intuitiveeating.org about emotional eating, and the client in the case study really didn't admit he had a problem with emotional eating, but then the counsellor noted the fact that if he's eating past satiety then clearly he has a problem with emotional eating because why else would he do it? And I really realised this too. Another thing it helped me realise was that, like the client, I am concerned about giving up my attachment to food because it has really helped me through a few things. But, to be honest, I'm not giving up food entirely - just taking back the control. And in reality, I'm going to enjoy my favourite foods MORE because there'll be no guilt.

I'm a little concerned, at this point, about putting on weight before my wedding - because I always go a bit mad when I start 'intuitive eating', eating all sorts of things, but this time I'm going to let myself explore 'forbidden' foods, but I'm still only going to eat when I'm hungry. The question I will ask myself is 'Do I want this now, or later?' to remind myself it's still an option later when I'm actually hungry and 'Will I feel good if I eat this now?' because I get worried all I'll want is glutenous sugarey carbs and they make me feel so awful, so being aware of how they make me feel will help.

Today I ate:

5am: -3 Hunger Chobani, honey & muesli +4 Satiety
7am: 0 Hunger Long Black
8.30am: -2 Hunger LF Soy hot choc with 2 marshmallows +3 Satiety
10.30am: -3 Hunger Wholemeal cheese, avo, chobani & chilli con carne toastie; Banana bread piece +4 Satiety
5pm: -4 Hunger Pumpkin ravioli with tomato pasta sauce, parmesan & baby spinach; Magnum Ego Satiety +4
6.30pm: Tea

Wow. I can't believe I actually didn't eat between lunch and dinner. Like that's really amazing. And although I did eat lots of sugarey, carb dense foods, I know at the moment that's me really wanting to get them out of my system, and I know I'll get bored of that. All in all, I'm so proud of myself. I ate when hungry, stopped when satisfied enough and forgot about eating in between! I never forget about eating. It was because I was hungry and told myself I could have pasta and a magnum for dinner but wanted to be hungry for the magnum so decided to eat dinner early enough so the magnum could come later and I wouldn't need a snack in between.

I'm really excited now.

For exercise I cleaned the house including mopping and vacuuming, putting washing away and also did 3 laps of the park.

NOTE TO SELF: WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY

I know these days come and go. They come; but they also go. So here is a few points to remember:
1. This too shall pass. Repeat it like a mantra while breathing deeply.
2. You have things you love in your life: your fiancee, the dogs, your big beautiful family, the best friends in the world, an AMAZING business with supportive people, legs, arms, a body, a home, a brain, ambition, values, freedom... Write yourself a grateful list.
3. Be gentle. Why do you need to do it all today? Can it wait? What can wait? Write a TO DO list (or knowing me you already have), now highlight things that ABSOLUTELY MUST be done today (dog walking etc.). Do those things, TICK THEM OFF and reward yourself for doing them by having a very gentle, relaxing day.
4. How to have a nice day:

1. Put the kettle on
2. Get a novel, a fiction novel that's engrossing
3. Sit on the couch (with a blanket if it's cold), make yourself a big cup of tea or a hot chocolate with honey, hot water and almond milk.
4. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself everything is perfect right now at this very moment. Repeat this mantra Everything is okay, right now, in this moment continually until you're feeling better
5. Sit on the couch, drinking tea and reading your book for as long as you need. Take the rest of the day off! You've done enough

YOU ARE ENOUGH! 

It's been a while..

So really I'm at this impasse (maybe that's not a real word) and I am not having a good day. I've realised by now that these bad days come, but then they also go. So I really just have to ride it out. Some days, I guess, things are just a lot harder. I definately think one of the problems I have is that I set myself too many goals. There is not one area in my life that I am 'maintaining'. I am doing uni, which is constantly striving for good marks and achievement'; my business is still not making enough time to warrant 'maintaining' so that's something I'm striving to improve (although, honestly, it takes me about 2 hours a week of work so who's complaining?); I am getting married in 3 months so I feel I really need to get a few things straight in my relationship AND I will just be devastated if I have fat arms and back fat on my wedding day. Since I don't know how to maintain my weight and I certainly don't want to gain (plus I have a few kgs to lose) I really need to just stick to something once and for all and DO IT. But as you can see, everything in my life is a constant need to be better, stronger, lighter, smaller, smarter, richer.. in no part of my life am I just going 'you know what, here I am, this is me, everything is fine' but then I don't even know if I'd be okay with that.

For a second let's just imagine I have already achieved everything I want:

1. I've finished my degree
2. My business is raking in the cash and I'm at the top
3. I'm finally at my 'goal' weight
4. My relationship is just perfect

What do I do? How do I spend my day? I'll tell you how - doing another degree, striving for more within my business, maintaining that body and maintaining that relationship. I don't think maintenance of something and aiming to get it are all that different - really I think to get somewhere you do what you'd be doing if you were already there. If I had a great body it would be because I walk every day, go to the gym, and nourish my body with healthy food. If I had finished my degree with Honours I'd be working in the field - constantly challenging myself; If I'd reached top status in my business I'd have a huge team below me and I'd be maintaining that status - which means I'd be doing everything I need to do now to get there. I guess the thing is, if you're not happy with things in the now, then you need to make them better, but with that comes consequences and payoffs. You will need to study, work harder, have less recreation time, eat less food, say 'no' to naughty food more often, go to the gym daily, walk every day, and socialise in ways that don't involve alcohol. If you're happy doing all those things, then you have to be happy dealing with the consequences - low mood, no energy, not enough money, don't fit in clothes, spend weekends hung over, working in a job you hate. I guess you just need to choose which consequence you want?

What CAN I do?

I am officially having the world's worst week. And for no reason. I just am. I hate everyone, I haven't stopped crying for 3 days, it's an effort to get me out of bed. My mum was being supportive but something changed and she's decided that actually my life is perfect, what do I have to be upset about? The worst thing is that I actually DON'T KNOW why I'm so upset. It usually ends up with me crying about my dad, I miss him and he's the only one that will understand me but that's been 4 years, surely I'm not upset about that. I think the problem is that I work for my partner and wake up at 4.30am. I find it really hard to nap during the day and I've been having trouble sleeping so I am just exhausted all day at work. Work is also really quiet so I've been BINGEING which I just don't want to even think about. I tried to tell my fiancee that I don't want to work for him any more but he tells me that it's just me changing my mind again and I'm always changing my mind about things and I need to commit to something. See, he was brought up to think that you just do as your told and don't try to change anything unless you're happy. I grew up thinking that you don't stop changing things until you're happy. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe i can't find happiness in anything else? I DO know that I don't have enough time in my day to work for him, run my own part time business, do some marketing work for my brother AND study PSYCHOLOGY. I just don't. And I feel like I can't do any of them properly because I'm so tired. But because in the past I've made so many changes to my jobs and my uni degree I now have to just stick everything out just to please everyone else. Plus I'm pissed off because I can't talk to my fiancee about things that upset me and he doesn't listen and he is so unsupportive and unsympathetic I can't even deal with it. So my relationship is REALLY not what I'd expect of 2 people who are about to get married and even thinking about that makes me so upset.

Anyway, I just got this bull crap email from my mum that makes me wish I really did cut her out of my life all those years ago. But I'm just saying that because she's  the closest thing I have to a best friend and the ONLY person who I speak to about everything so I should just deal with it. She's also the only parent I have and I should know from dad dying that you really really really miss everything about them when they're gone.

Anyway, since it seems noone is on my side and I don't have any other options other than jumping of a cliff to end this the only other thing is to focus on what I can do. Here are the options:
1. Leave fiancee. Go live with my mum and she can support me while I finish uni. Positive is that I'm financially supported. Negative is that I actually really love him we just have some fundamental problems. Negative is also that I have to live at home again and I'm sure that will ruin my life more.
2. Stop working at his shop. Positive is that there's no more early mornings. Negative is that I don't have a real, steady income every week. Positive is that I can focus on my business so that I do have a steady income and could also do a few pT sessions to boost my income.
3. Keep working in the shop. Get sleeping tablets so that I'm asleep by 7.30 every night. Positive is that I have a steady income. Negative is that I can't run my part time business when I'm going to bed at 7.30 every night. Positive is that I'll have more energy.
4. Stop my part time business. Negative is that I love it, it's easy, I can see it taking me places, I have a team, and I really don't wan tot do that. Positive is that I have no more pressure and I can focus on my uni work. Negative is that I've pumped so much money into it and it's only just starting to go. Positive is that I can have a steady income. Negative is that I will be so disappointed in myself and i love doing it so wonder how my mental health will fare.
5. Drop a subject at uni. Positive is that I have more time. Negative is that it will take me 5000 years to finish my degree and it means EVEN longer working for the bakery and I don't want that.

I don't feel any clearer on the subject. I will wait to see what my commission check was this month. I find out in 3 days. Once I get that I will be able to make a good decision about what to do.

For the mean time I need to:
1. Eat well
2. Drink more water
3. Exercise daily - 1h walk every day FOR MENTAL HEALTH
4. Time manage better - I will do a time management chart right now for the next week.
5. Meditate 15 minutes every night before bed.

An epidemic of beauty sickness: Renee Engeln at TEDxUConn 2013

Eating Disorders from the Inside Out: Laura Hill at TEDxColumbus.

Food?

What do I want from food?

• Flavour
• Excitement
• I identify with food
• Weight loss
• Health
• Energy

At the end of the day I want food to make me happy. I want to feel happy while I’m eating and I want to feel happy after I’ve eaten and I want to feel happy in other areas of my life and I feel I can’t when I’m carrying extra weight.

My biggest problem is planning ahead for all my meals (essentially for the rest of my life by becoming ‘vegan’ ‘801010’ ‘sugar free’ etc. and identifying with an ideology). At the end of the day all diets and ways of eating are ideologies because we have so much CHOICE that we get to identify with IDEAS ABOUT FOOD. What I need to do is 

1. Stop planning what I’ll eat next meal, tomorrow, next week
2. Eat every meal exactly AS I FEEL. If I feel like chocolate I will eat chocolate. If I feel like pineapple juice I will have that. I need to listen to my body. 
3. Stop cutting things out. When i cut out fat I crave it so I cut out sugar and then crave it! 

I found the above notes on my computer. Pretty astute. If only I could pay attention!! 

Why it's so hard to quit dieting

I'm assuming that anyone who reads this (if anyone ever does) probably has an eating disorder or can sympathise. But just in case I'm going to explain why it's so hard to quit dieting and something I've realised lately.

It's so hard to quit because it's so hard to avoid triggering images. Whether it's photos of a leaner self, photos of a friend who's lost weight, photos in an advertisement or someone on TV it's very hard to look at these people and realise that you'll never look like that. Part of why I'm feeling so down lately is realising that I've failed at the one goal I've had for the last 10 years - to be thin. What's important though, is that I'm leaving it now. It's been 10 years. It's been too long.

Something I realised while watching a YouTube video of Shaye Boddington is that saying goodbye to dieting DOES NOT have to mean that you will never lose weight, or that you'll remain at the weight you are. It's very easy to think that you'll put on weight once you start eating more food or once you stop restricting. I'm not sure what's going to happen to be honest, but I do know that if I keep dieting I will put on more and more weight and be more and more unhappy.

So after a pretty miserable day here are some things I'm going to do to try to help myself during this hard time:
1. Get off social media - I've tried to unfollow all the fitness pages I follow but it just shows up time and time again and it is very triggering
2. Exercise every day. I didn't yesterday and I nearly didn't today but I NEVER regret a walk, it's good to clear the head, release the endorphins, realise that I am very lucky to have a beautiful place to walk free with fresh air and it's so fun for my little dogs. So I'm going to consider it my antidepressant and something I need to do every day.
3. I want to write 'talk to my fiancee about all of this' but I keep hesitating. It's REALLY hard to talk about an eating disorder with someone who's never had one. Just as hard to talk to someone who does (my best friend has anorexia and I always think that Bulimia is like the fat girl's answer to anorexia, she went to hospital and exercises all the time and often doesn't eat and I feel like my eating problems are nothing in comparison, which is ridiculous but that's just the way it is). Anyway, I need to talk to him about this and what it all means. But what does it mean? Today I called the dietician to make an appointment and for some reason her notes said I have Type 2 diabetes and I said no actually I had bulimia and I never really figured out how to eat healthily I'm either dieting or bingeing and she said 'okay so you're in recovery?' and I awkwardly laughed because I guess I am. It just sounds so formal. I am certainly not recovered, but I'm really not that sick so it's a strange place to be. Anyway, I guess I do need to explain that this is going to bring up lots of emotions and problems for me and be really difficult so I'll need his support.
4. Give myself time to clean the house and do chores. I feel really shit when I haven't done chores for a while but they always come last.
5. Let myself get a Pass for uni. A Pass is okay. I want an HD but honestly, recovering from all this crap and getting an HD and having my fiancee start his new shop is all a bit much, so a Pass will have to do.
6. Do something fun every day. I'm going to have to figure out what to do with this one because I don't have much time or money, but I really need to work on this.

What am I doing and why am I doing it?

I've decided to see a dietitian. I waste so much money on diet books and programs the money would be better spent seeing a professional who can help me deal with my problems.

Anyway, this is not completely diet/food related, but it's life related and I don't believe life is made up of many different, separate parts, but instead each part is a part of a whole so it all counts towards the same thing.

So, today and yesterday have been really unmotivated. I can't help asking myself lately

What am I doing and why am I doing it?

This all started because my fiancee was really rude to me this morning at work (we work together) and later he apologised and said he's tired and stressed (he's expanding his business and it's hard work). I asked him if it was worth it, and should we just throw in the towel and give up on all of this, when it's all just for money. He didn't really reply and later my mum told me I shouldn't ask him to give up his dreams for mine.

So what are my dreams?

My ultimate dream:

Live in the country or by the beach, in a small house with my children and my husband, neither of us working but just growing vegetables, living a simple life.

That is my dream. Pretty simple. Is it attainable?

Last year one of my favourite people packed up and moved to India to be with her yoga instructor who she'd fallen in love with during a yoga course over the Summer. I was so envious. My mum says it's different because she has no parents so she could leave easily. I feel like a piece of bubble gum stretched so far. I'm not happy. I'm just not. But would moving overseas really make me happy? My fiancee would never leave. But then why stay somewhere for someone else to fulfil their dreams? Because i'm scared. I love him. I don't want to leave him. I couldn't leave him. I can't imagine life without him. But just having him is not enough and really that's the problem. Is life always going to be like this? Will I always feel like something is missing? Should I just get a real job and forget about uni? What's the point in making sacrifices if it's not for your own goals? How do you go for your own goals when you're in a relationship? I guess you just do what you want and hope your partner comes along for the ride.

Struggling today

Fuck. I feel like every time I really try to battle all this diet crap I get really depressed. I know it's good for me. I know I need to do this and I know that the fact it really messes with my head means that it's NEEDED but it's just really hard. It's just so much easier to travel along in life pretending like everything is okay.

So I haven't done any study. I have a sore back and I just wasn't in the mood for study. I feel like I've been eating too much bread and stuff like that. I had a gozleme for lunch which was delicious and then 3 pieces of toast. i guess I just need to get all these wheat products out of the restricted pile. It's frustrating. I'm lucky it's winter because I'm not focusing on my body. It's really easy atm to just say stuff it I don't care what my legs look like! But I know come summer and bikinis and shorts it won't be so easy.

There's a saying "being overweight is hard. Losing weight is hard. Choose your hard." I guess that's how it is right? Difference is, after all my restricting I can't lose weight, not just because my metabolism is stuffed but because my mind is. I can't commit to it for long enough. I can't restrict myself and I guess that's a good thing.

 I didn't go for my walk today. I should have. It's like my antidepressant. i'm just feeling so "ground hog day" these days. Especially because I don't get weekends, every day is the same. What a bore. I'm bored. I'm so bored with life. I'm so over having a messy house, eating foods that make me feel crap, having a messy study, having to study at all, having to put washing away, having to do washing, having a boring life. This is my life: wake up at 4.30am. Eat breakfast. Work. Drive home. Eat lunch. Study. Walk dogs. Make Dinner. Eat. Go to bed. Then repeat. 7 days a week. No, that's a lie. I have uni 1 day which I love and Saturdays are my day off. But I still have to study and I have no money so I can't see friends.

Resisting 801010

Jeez. So I got totally sucked in again. I watched all these YouTube videos and everyone's so happy and loves their fruit and I love fruit too! So I figured I should just have fruit for breakfast. So I did that a couple of days then I thought today was a good day to go fully raw. So I had 2L of fresh orange juice for breakfast and resisted a coffee at work, and I told myself I'd just see how I feel. Well, I started falling asleep driving after my OJ and I was STARVING after work which was only 1 hour since I finished the juice. Both of which indicate to me a low blood sugar. Anyway, I was driving home and realised I was being silly. This was just another diet. This would not be any easier this time. This would not lead to eternal happiness and a feeling of belonging. So I bought a medium coffee on the way home and had exactly what I wanted for lunch - a toasted sandwich and some scrambled eggs followed by a chai tea.

I really need to remember that health isn't just about what you put in your body. It's also your relationship with food, and I have a great relationship with food if I'm not restricting. I don't go overboard, and I mostly want healthier foods. So I need to remember this. 

I think I need to cancel Instagram and stay off Youtube for a while, it's the only way.

On the way home I listened to this radio interview of a pro skateboarder who became a drug addict, and he said he's clean and much happier now but it's still a struggle sometimes and he needs to know his triggers and to avoid them. Well, it's the same with me. Watching YouTube videos of skinny people wearing no clothes advocating a VERY restrictive DIET is a major trigger, what am I thinking? I get so upset with my friend who has anorexia for over exercising but who am I to judge when I do things like this? 

So, I think it's now 2 weeks into my no diets plan.. we'll see how i go for the next 10 weeks!

No diets for 3 months.

So I deleted my Youtube videos. I just couldn't do it. Too embarrassing. Maybe once I've been doing this a bit longer.

Anyway, I have been sucked in to watching lots of 801010 raw vegans on youtube and I just keep thinking 'Oh, I didn't give 801010 a proper go. They're all so happy!! I should try it again, just commit for 3 months straight and see how I feel' but then I realised I should COMMIT TO THIS for 3 months first! It's hard right now because I feel like I'm putting on weight and eating unhealthy food (breakfast was a mixture of strawberry kefir with vanilla greek yogurt, gluten free muesli and a banana; lunch a wholegrain wrap with avo, cheese and ham, snack watermelon & pineapple and a few squares of dark chocolate and dinner will be roast lamb & veg so actually I'm eating HEALTHY). Anyway, I know that this will only work if I give it enough of a go.
I remember last time I tried 801010 and I said to myself, if it doesn't work out I can always just go back to eating according to my intuition and I'll feel okay again but I never give intuitive eating enough of a try for it to calm down. I always have to go through the period of referring where I eat all the foods I've restricted. To be fair to myself, I haven't binged in SUCH A LONG TIME I can't even remember, so that's really a start.

So my deal with myself is that I'm going to give intuitive eating a go for 3 months. I watch these 801010 videos and think, oh but those smoothies look so yum. With intuitive eating I can eat those smoothies! It just means I'm not committing to something with rules that I have to do for the rest of my life. And it's cold and winter and all I want to eat is warm food. In my head I think, I could have a watermelon for breakfast, and yes it's delicious and sweet but sometimes I want other things and it's not as fun after a while when you have no other options. So yes, I am certain this is the thing to do - 12 weeks of NO DIETS. No restricting, no rules, just eating according to my appetite. I think it will do me a world of good. Already I'm not wanting as much bread and processed carbs. Last night I felt really full and gluggy and I don't like feeling that way, so I've made other choices today like fruit for snack and it really helps. I know the challenge will be AVOIDING the 801010 videos because everyone on the lifestyle just seems so happy.
There's a you tuber called Raw Nourishment and she said she started 801010 because she had acne and she watched the videos and she loved the outlook on life raw foodists have, and i realised that's one of the reasons I like it too. So I've decided I'm going to have that outlook anyway.

I remember a couple of times after I've been restricting and I go out to dinner and decide to have something that breaks the rules and momentarily it makes me so happy. I feel free and relaxed as though there's no pressure to look a certain way, pressure from myself anyway, and it feels great. So I know i've just got to keep this going, like with ANY DIET it's the consistency that makes a difference. So off i go. I'm going to count it from the first post I made on here, so I think it's been a week!

Youtube

I've made a YouTube video about me but I took it down because I was afraid people I know would see me and that I'd get no views.. Lol, that's a contradiction and a half! Anyway maybe I'll upload it again.

I'm really proud of myself. I broke a few rules today!

Firstly, I had a small glass of pineapple juice with breakfast. I don't drink  ium coffee instead of a small. I did that intentionally too, just to break the rule. Funny thing is, it made me feel sick and too full before breakfast. So then my head did it's usual, 'Now you know anything bigger than a small makes you feel sick so you will just have a small in the future' and I had to stop myself and realise that no, I will have whatever I want in the future, but I'll keep it in mind if I'm drinking a coffee before a meal because I don't want to spoil my appetite. Oh, and I also had JAM on my toast, which has been a big no-no for a while due to the sugar content, and it was delicious.

I did the shopping with my fiancee today for his new shop and I wanted to get a Boost Juice because there's a new protein chocolate one that looks delicious! Anyway, I thought about it and I'm not actually hungry and didn't really feel like it so I decided not to have it. I will have it when I want it though and I won't care that it's high in fat or sugar, because I just couldn't be bothered with that anymore.

I also bought some Sultana Bran from Aldi. I haven't had Sultana Bran since I was 14 and I used to love it. It reminds me of my mum and of being a teenager so I'm really looking forward to eating that with some banana and milk.

Gosh, when I read over this it sounds so bloody weird and so ridiculous. I'm doing a lot of study about Indigenous Australians and also applying for a job with a company that works with them in Arnhem Land, and something that just makes me realise how silly all this is is that they are suffering so much, and here I am wasting so much time on thinking about food and what I've eaten and what I haven't eaten and how fat I am getting and none of that matters. Anyway, if anyone reads this, let me know if you watch my YouTube video and tell me what you think! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWYOj_iKVIw&feature=youtu.be

Addicted?

I think I'm addicted to dieting. Seriously. Read this (from http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/addiction_hijacks_brain.htm) 

The word “addiction” is derived from a Latin term for “enslaved by” or “bound to.”...Addiction exerts a long and powerful influence on the brain that manifests in three distinct ways: craving for the object of addiction, loss of control over its use, and continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences.. addiction hijacks the brain. This happens as the brain goes through a series of changes, beginning with recognition of pleasure and ending with a drive toward compulsive behaviour....he brain registers all pleasures in the same way, whether they originate with a psychoactive drug, a monetary reward, a sexual encounter, or a satisfying meal. In the brain, pleasure has a distinct signature: the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, a cluster of nerve cells lying underneath the cerebral cortex (see illustration). Dopamine release in the nucleus accumbens is so consistently tied with pleasure that neuroscientists refer to the region as the brain’s pleasure center....All drugs of abuse, from nicotine to heroin, cause a particularly powerful surge of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens. The likelihood that the use of a drug or participation in a rewarding activity will lead to addiction is directly linked to the speed with which it promotes dopamine release, the intensity of that release, and the reliability of that release... Addictive drugs provide a shortcut to the brain’s reward system by flooding the nucleus accumbens with dopamine. The hippocampus lays down memories of this rapid sense of satisfaction, and the amygdala creates a conditioned response to certain stimuli.

The reward circuit in the brain includes areas involved with motivation and memory as well as with pleasure. Addictive substances and behaviors stimulate the same circuit—and then overload it.
Repeated exposure to an addictive substance or behavior causes nerve cells in the nucleus accumbens and the prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain involved in planning and executing tasks) to communicate in a way that couples liking something with wanting it, in turn driving us to go after it. That is, this process motivates us to take action to seek out the source of pleasure.

And the most damning bit of all.. A “yes” answer to any of the following three questions suggests you might have a problem with addiction and should—at the very least—consult a health care provider for further evaluation and guidance.

• Do you use more of the substance or engage in the behavior more often than in the past? YES
• Do you have withdrawal symptoms when you don’t have the substance or engage in the behaviour? YES
• Have you ever lied to anyone about your use of the substance or extent of your behaviour? YES

Okay I do not want anyone to think I am minimising the seriousness of addiction (if anyone even reads this!) but I'm being serious. Being a student of psychology I fully understand that you CANNOT diagnose a mental illness or addiction using an internet info page, but I have been thinking about this for some time. I don't actually know the links between disordered eating and addiction, so I'll be interested in finding out, but I really think I'm addicted to dieting. 

In the intro paragraph it says:

* craving for the object of addiction - I guess the way I want to diet could be considered a craving. I think about it a lot. I convince myself it's a good idea even when I know it's not. 

* Loss of control over its use - I guess diets are used to lose weight, but I use them as a form of control, of punishment, of dealing with problems

* Continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences - does putting on weight, hating yourself, believing you're a failure and becoming a depressed sad sack count?

I've eaten SO. MANY. CARBS. TODAY. I'm like a bottomless pit. It is TTOM but seriously. I have a huge urge to write down what I ate today, and I just did it but then I deleted it. I don't want this blog to be about my crazy eating disordered mind, I want it to be about me overcoming it!! The biggest problem is that to overcome the need to diet I need to overcome the need to look a certain way. And I think that will be VERY difficult.

Two more rules:

1. Always eat from a small bowl. Snacks should be the size of a tea cup and meals the size of your hand. If you eat from a large bowl you're likely to pour yourself a huge serving and you'll end up enormous.
2. Always eat using a teaspoon. If you use a tablespoon you'll eat too quickly and just want more
3. Always measure grains and yogurt with a cup. Eg cereal and oats. Never guestimate or free pour because you'll end up having way too much.
4. Always have a meal plan because other wise you'll get bored and binge.
5. Never have an entree, main and dessert [I'm not sure if I ever stuck to this one, although I sure did try]
6. Never order pasta or risotto - there's way too many carbs.

Can you see why I am tired of this? Worst thing is they don't even work!! Sure, I'm not gaining weight, but I don't eat rubbish. This is what I ate yesterday (and tracking my food is NOT going to be a regular thing here, that's not what this is about)

B: Organic vanilla Greek yogurt with Organic cranberry and almond muesli & a banana
S: Wholemeal snail from the markets
L: Wholemeal roll with smoked salmon, kale & cashew dip & avocado
S: Watermelon & 2 rice cakes with peanut butter & raw honey
D: (OUT) Entree: Pc of smoked salmon bruscetta
Main: Moussaka with tomato salad
Dessert: 1 scoop vanilla gelato in a cone

And that is me eating exactly how, when and what I want. And to me, that's outrageous! To a past me the idea of doing that would have meant I freaked out. But look - it's mostly healthy food!!

All of these rules come from funny places like magazines & a few are from my own experience. But I'm so glad I'm done with them!

I've had 6 blogs. They're all on private. Really they're just diaries. This is how they start.

I'm giving up dieting. I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of restricting myself, hating myself, rejecting what I see in the mirror. It's going to change. I'm going to let go of all my restrictions and diet mentality and just love me for me. 

Then after a while (days, weeks, months) I'm back in:

I'm doing Michelle Bridges 12WBT. But it's not a diet. I need to learn portion sizes. And I need a community. I'm lonely. I need like-minded friends and this is where I'll meet them. This is a lifestyle change. It's a balanced meal plan and a healthy amount of exercise. I need direction on what to do. 

Then after a while it goes like this

I can't diet. I don't know what i was thinking. I hate myself. Why don't I have any self-control? I'm destined to be fat forever. It's so unfair - I'm so healthy and obsessed with my weight and always trying new things and I'm overweight [which I'm not]  and all my friends who are thin and have amazing bodies don't even try. I eat so healthily and I can't lose weight, why???

So now I don't know how to start. Maybe I'll just tell you about the name of this blog.

I have rules. I have so many rules. Here are some of my rules:

1. Never buy a pair of jeans up a size. If you try a pair on in your size and they don't fit, THEN SHRINK. Never go up. If you start going up you'll never stop.
2. Always have a small coffee. Large coffees are a waste of calories. If you start buying large coffees then you'll put on weight for no reason. You can have full fat milk but just never ever have a large.
3. Never eat the same thing twice in a day. If you have yogurt for breakfast you can't have it as a snack. If you've already had 1 banana you can't have another. You need variety and 2 of something is too much.
4. Most of your meals need to have fruit or vegetables. Too many snacks like rice cakes with honey or yogurt with nuts aren't good. You need to have mainly fruit and vegetables with each meal [and if I don't then I feel weird. I don't know how else to explain it.]
5. You can't eat when you aren't hungry [which I break all the time]. If you eat when you're not hungry you're almost guaranteed to become even fatter.
6. You have to do some sort of exercise every day. Even if it's just a walk. If not all your muscles will waste away VERY quickly.
7. Never ever ever drink anything but tea, coffee, water (or alcohol if I'm drinking). It's a waste of calories and full of sugar, and if I'm going to waste calories on sugar then I'd rather it be food.
8. Always eat sitting down. Never eat on the go, like walking around somewhere.
9. Never eat in public alone. That's just weird. And everyone will look at you.
10. Don't eat foods with gluten in them. They make you bloated. When you're bloated you look like a puffer fish.
11. Never have more than 1 treat a day. If you have something (like a croissant) in the morning then you can't have something else later that day or even the next day because then you're just eating unhealthily like everyone else [unsurprisingly I break this all the time].
12. Never go out on an empty stomach. It's better to eat before you go and not be hungry than be starving when you get somewhere [even though I rarely eat a lot or unhealthy foods in front of other people unless I'm a. drunk or b. hungover]
13. Never ever ever eat white bread. You'll die of constipation.
14. Don't eat sugar in any form [this is the latest one]
15. Everything is okay in moderation [after a couple of weeks on any diet I resort back to a firm believer of this one]
16. I don't need carbs, they're a waste of energy.
17. Carbs are necessary for energy, fat is the one to worry about.
18. Fat is full of important vitamins and minerals, just cut back on carbs.
19. ANimal protein is really bad for you, eat a vegan diet.
20. Veganism makes me tired, just make sure you limit protein.


Can you see how tiring this gets? Thus, this blog. I'm breaking ALL MY RULES. All of them. All the time. No rules. That's the only rule. But it's not even a rule. I'm going to eat WHATEVER, WHENEVER, HOWEVER. And some days I may not exercise. And I'm going to blog about it.